The madness is among us. Can you feel the tension in the air? Our brackets are filled out. Our bets have been made. We’re even comparing our brackets to that of our nation’s President. Hell, the Shamrock Shake is even back for a limited time. It’s the most wonderful time of the year! To celebrate the season, here are some burning March Madness questions answered once and for all.
1. Whatever happened to Adam Morrison?
The man. The mustache. The Morrison. Yes, Adam Morrison creeped his way into our hearts, and unfortunately, our eye sockets when he became Gonzaga’s newest small forward in 2003. The mustachioed one’s popularity exploded like Ron Artest’s temper on a Pistons fan throughout his early years at Zag. At the apex of his career, he even split Player of the Year honors with Duke’s resident golden boy at the time, J.J. Redick. Talk about beauty and the beast!
What gets lost in the shuffle when one discusses the many accolades of Adam Morrison, though, is what happened in the aftermath of his shining collegiate career. Well, not much. After being drafted by Michael Jordan’s Bobcats (I still think he picked Morrison because he resembled a Space Jam character), Morrison quickly lost his starting job and began to bounce around, even winning a championship with the Lakers! From the bench, that is. He also had some stints on European teams, the names of which I won’t even try to spell. I have my theories on what Adam is doing now, but they all involve him being cast as the next Dirk Diggler in a sequel to “Boogie Nights.” Hey, he’s already got the ‘stache!
2. Is Obama’s bracket legit?
Yes and no. Barack has a reasonable Final Four, I’ll give him that, but I’m not in love with the some of the bold picks he made in the early rounds of the tourney. Harvard over Cincy? As if. And don’t even get me started on Pitt over Colorado. As a lifelong Pitt fan, I’d love nothing more than for the Panthers to actually show up to the tournament. But, as a lifelong Pitt fan, I know better. Choke artists choke. It hurts being a Pitt fan. (Editor sad face – also a Pitt fan.)
We’ll see how things play out, but I’ll give Barack props for putting some thought behind his picks, unlike the annoying chick in the office who chooses teams based on the colors of their uniforms and somehow wins the office pool every year. I hate her!
3. Is there anyone in the English-speaking world who hasn’t seen the inside of Kevin Ware’s leg?
The short answer is yes. There were in fact people who didn’t witness the horror that millions were forced to stomach last year. I was among those millions, and I’ll admit, I shed a tear. Not even ashamed. The real question is, what will be the rally cry in 2014’s installment of March Madness? It seems that America adopts a new player or team every year. Last year it was Louisville (when you see the innards of a man’s body, you can’t help but feel bonded). It was George Mason in 2006. I have my money on American this year. Psych!
4. Who stomped someone better: Ndamukong Suh or Christian Laettner?
The stomp is an age-old sports technique invented to psychologically impair an opponent. Perhaps two of the best and most well-documented stomps in the history of televised sports are Christian Laettner’s chest stomp of ’92 and Ndamukong Suh’s arm stomp of 2011. Each stomp is special given the timeliness – Laettner’s occurred during the East regional final of the NCAA tourney, while Suh’s happened on Thanksgiving Day. While each stomp was the stuff of legend, I’d have to give a nod to Suh’s stomp mostly because he denied the incident and claimed he was trying to regain his balance and misstepped. Sure, Ndamakong. And you really eat at Subway with Jared all the time, too.
5. What the heck is a Shocker?!
Look, we all know the pop culture definition of the “shocker,” so I won’t get into that, but now that Wichita State is all legit these days, we can’t dance around the word anymore. For those of us who aren’t farmers in the Midwest, shocker refers to shocking wheat. Don’t ask me what that means. I already looked up the origin of their name. That’s all I’m good for today. But now we can at least stop scouring Urban Dictionary for college mascot meanings and focus on the task at hand – winning our March Madness pools!
I hope the answers to the above questions prove useful in your sports trivia games. If nothing else, at least you know what Adam Morrison and his mustache are doing with their lives. If you have any other burning March Madness questions, hit us up on Twitter @BaconSports! Good luck with your brackets, America! I hope at least a few of us beat Obama.