It’s that time of year again, the grueling two month journey called the Stanley Cup Playoffs. No matter what team you support, this is the greatest time of year for any hockey fan. Here are five tips to help you watch the most playoff hockey.
Decline All Meetings Before 10AM
How can you be expected to have your TPS reports ready first thing in the morning when you were up until 3am watching the Sharks/Kings double OT? West Coast games can be killers when you’re expected to be functional at work the next day. I get DECLINE trigger finger during playoffs anytime a meeting request hits my Inbox. Fun Tip: Change your Microsoft Outlook settings to make it impossible for anyone to book you in a meeting before 10am until late June. If your Boss calls you out, plead ignorance or blame the HeartBleed virus.
Prepare to be Bombarded by FarmersOnly.com Commercials
I don’t know what’s more disappointing, the fact that the sport I love only has the viewership to attract advertisers at FarmersOnly.com or that there are so, so many lonely farmers out there to justify their own dating site. And I’m not sure how many Farmers are seeing this commercial. When traveling, I can’t seem to get the NBC Sports Network anywhere outside of a major city or south of St. Louis, which is a great segue to my next tip.
Don’t Travel!
Develop a sudden fear of flying, contract a highly contagious disease or simply get yourself put on the “no-fly” list. Even playoff hockey can be hard to find outside of a major hockey market. Most hotels don’t carry NBC Sports Network. I know what you’re thinking, just stream it on your iPad or laptop you idiot! If I’m lugging my iPad or laptop on a work trip it’s for two reasons and two reasons only, Bidness stuff and porn, but mainly porn.
Prepare to be Bombarded by Angieslist.com Commercials
Even the big wigs at FarmersOnly.com have limits to their ad budget. So when you’re not being presented with the dating plight of the modern farmer, there’s a good chance you’re watching a commercial for Angie’s List. What is Angie’s List? From what I can tell, it’s Craig’s frumpy and prudish cousin from Grand Rapids. No Casual Encounters, no Missed Connections, no thinly veiled prostitution rings – NO THANK YOU ANGIE.
Play HOCKEY FAN or HIPSTER?
If you happen to be watching playoff hockey at your local watering hole, play the hottest game since Stratego. It’s called “Hockey Fan or Hipster”. During commercials about horny farmers or Angie’s sexless list, spot someone with a sweet beard and ask yourself “hockey fan” or “hipster”? Playoff beards and your standard hipster beards can be eerily similar. Real students of the game will be able to pick up on such discerning details as skinny jeans or no skinny jeans, NHL branded t-shirt or defunct NHL team t-shirt and whether or not they are drinking a PBR can or Labatt Blue bottle.
Besides the aforementioned tips, take any standard measures to ensure you can spend four plus hours in front of the television each night for the next two months. Call your family and tell them you’re temporarily moving to Bangladesh, make empty and unrealistic promises to your spouse or significant other and by God, pay your cable bill. Game on!
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