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A Hater’s Guide to the National Championship game

rudy alabamaBowl Season is here.  That great time of year when people spend endless hours passionately rooting for schools they never heard of and forget about seconds after the final whistle.  It is all building up to the National Championship between the Alabama Crimson Tide and the Notre Dame Fighting Irish – two schools with great tradition and history. That is, unless you don’t give a shit about tradition and history.

Who do you support if you are a National Championship hater?

If you are tired of one conference winning every year?

If you can’t stand the thought of a school’s fan base talking endlessly about how special they are?

If you just don’t care?

Well, if the thought of either Notre Dame or Alabama holding up that weird crystal football thing makes you physically ill, but you still need someone to root against on January 7th, you’re in luck. We have gone through all of the most important categories in determining who to cheer for, and with a point system determined entirely and subjectively by us, have figured out exactly who is the least offensive school to root for in the National Championship this year.  You’re welcome.

Conference:   Alabama: -100 pts          Notre Dame: 10

Reason:  Haven’t we all had enough with the SEC?  If you are not from the south (and you probably aren’t since you are using the internet), there is absolutely no reason to want them to win another championship.  Notre Dame is an independent in football, which is really pretty lame but they are also kind of in the Big East  ACC.  This is by far the closest the Big East will ever get to being relevant in football.  So for that (and for being anything that isn’t the SEC) Notre Dame gets 10 points.

Fans:   Alabama: 40        Notre Dame: -40

Reason:  If you have ever met a Notre Dame fan, we don’t need to explain this score to you.  If you haven’t, you’re pretty lucky.  Type “notre dame fans a” into Google.  It will suggest, “notre dame fans are the worst” followed by “notre dame fans are delusional”.  If you search “notre dame fans are the worst” 5,270,000 results will show up.  The first of which is NotreDameSucks.org.  These fans are not too popular (“Alabama fans are the worst” is also suggested, but has about a quarter of the results.)  Both schools scored well in the number of fans and passion but in the end, Notre Dame Fans could not recover from the fact that everyone that isn’t a Notre Dame fan hates them.  Their score reflects this.  Bama fans got a pretty good score, but would have done even better if not for their issue rubbing their genitals on people.

Coaching:       Alabama: 50        Notre Dame: 60

Reason: We think that Nick Saban is one of the best coaches and recruiters in college, but when it comes to college football coaches, it seems clear that the one that cheats the most is the best.  We are sure Saban is cheating.  He must be.  He gets 50 points on speculation alone, but can’t win this category because we are just not sure.  With Brain Kelly, on the other hand, we know how good of a coach he is.  His quarterback hit a cop, his linebacker threatened to kill a cop, his wide receiver got arrested for drunk driving, two girls were assaulted by players, oh, and a student manager died while filming a practice.  And NONE of these things resulted in any real consequences.  In the real world, these things would have gotten people arrested.  In Kelly’s fantasy world of South Bend, these things don’t even put a guy on the bench (well, the quarterback is on the bench, but that’s just because he sometimes forgets which team he’s on while in the red zone).  So much for the moral school doing things the “right way”.  This team is the Miami Hurricanes all over again.  No wonder they’re winning now.  Kudos Brain Kelly, you are the slimiest coach in this game, and it earns you 60 points.

Uniforms:       Alabama: 50        Notre Dame: 30

Reason: Both of these teams have classic uniforms that have stood the test of time and are instantly recognizable as a part of the school they represent.  They are two of the best uniforms in college football.  They were both going to get 50 points, but then we were reminded of this.  That will cost you 20 points Domers.

Location:         Alabama: 0          Notre Dame: 0

Reason: Tuscaloosa, Alabama – South Bend, Indiana. eh.

Facilities:         Alabama: 30        Notre Dame: 35

Reason: Sure, Bryant–Denny Stadium is bigger, older, nicer, and has new fangled technology like video screens, but Notre Dame Stadium has Jesus.

Mascot:           Alabama: 10        Notre Dame: -10

Reason: Big Al is the elephant mascot of the Crimson Tide.  First of all, that makes no sense.  What does a tide have to do with an elephant?  Do elephants even live in places where there are big waves?  Second of all, in a conference that has a real hawk, a real alligator and a real tiger, Big Al looks like a costume from a grade school play.  It is a cartoon looking head on a body in a red sweater, and the elephant trunk is a piece of fabric that just sort of hangs there.  All things considered, this is a pretty weak mascot.  This was one Notre Dame should have been able to win.  As an (half) Irish-American, however, I find the whole concept of Fighting Irish offensive, and it pisses me off.  I understand how the Illini Tribe felt before they forced the University of Illinois to boot Chief Illiniwik, how the Sioux feel in their battle with the University of North Dakota, and how oranges must feel about Syracuse.  It’s just insensitive.  Sensitivity to all people is very important to us, so -10 points.  Besides, the leprechaun is kind of stupid.

Players:           Alabama: 40        Notre Dame: 45

Reason: Manti Te’o.  The guy wasn’t even going to be the first linebacker taken in the draft last year, he comes back to school and has the kind of season that they make Disney straight to DVD movies about.  His grandma died, his girlfriend died, and he became a Heisman finalist.  You can argue whether or not he should have been there, but he still was.  No Alabama players can say that, and they all have their grandmas and girlfriends in tact (as far as we know).  We wanted to give ND a huge edge in this category on the linebacker alone, but couldn’t because the rest of the team is like Alabama’s JV squad.  Earlier in the season, people were debating how well the Tide would do against an NFL team.  They would get crushed, but the fact that analysts were even taking the time to explain that they would get crushed shows just how good this team is.

History:            Alabama: 65        Notre Dame: 50

Reason: In the event the team you adopt is losing, it doesn’t hurt to pick the one that has history on its side.  Both of these teams could pretty much beat any other team in college football in this category.  Alabama has 14 national titles to Notre Dame’s 11.  Bama gets bonus points for three of them happening in the lifetime of current college students (College freshman were born in 1994.  How old do you feel?)  They have 34 bowl wins to ND’s 15.  Notre Dame, however, has 40 current NFL players (if you count Jimmy Clausen as an NFL player) to Bama’s 34, and have seven Heisman winners to Bama’s one.  Basically, Alabama is a good team with bad players and Notre Dame is a bunch of good players that can’t win games.  This is a toss up.  50 points each, but Bama gets 15 more points for its ‘what have you done for me lately’ bonus.

In the end, it was a tight competition, but the better team for you to cheer for in this year’s National Championship game is the Alabama Crimson Tide (185 to 180).  It’s a good thing too, because they are probably the team that’s going win anyways.  So, buy some red, practice saying “Roll Tide” in a southern accent, and think up some good Catholic jokes to say to any ND fans you come across.  Most importantly, make sure you ignore the fact that your school is once again not there.  After all, that’s the real reason that you’re a national championship hater.

-This was written by Mike Domanico, the newest contributor to BaconSports. 

Rob Cressy

Rob Cressy

Founder/Editor-in-Chief
Sports loving free throw specialist living in Chicago who is awesome most of the time, has run with the bulls in Spain, and is a graduate of Second City's Improv program.
Rob Cressy

@BaconSports

Sports comedy, pop culture, nostalgia and a love of jerseys and bacon.
Rob Cressy

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2 Comments NFL
  • Large_n_charge

    This Mike guy is pretty funny, all points made are killer! Keep up the good work!!

  • Dennis Smith

    Notre Dame barely escaped several teams–Monday their luck runs out–

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