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Bacon Sports Advisor answers all of your pressing sports questions

bacon-sports-advisor-rodgers-tebowMembers of the sports community are people too and, as such, sometimes they have issues.

That’s why we at BaconSports have developed a forum for these people to anonymously share their pain and get some advice. For all of their troubles, the Bacon Sports Advisor is here to help.

Dear BS Advisor,

I’m really popular. Like really. I’m the most popular player on the most popular team of the most popular sport in America. People love everything I do (State Farm commercials and pro wrestling hand gestures included). Recently, however, I’ve had a bit of a PR issue. I have a friend (let’s call him Ryan B.) who is a baseball player that got busted taking PEDs. Well, to be honest, he got busted twice. Back in 2011, he got off on a technicality and this year he was caught again. That first time, I may have been just a little bit protective of my old pal. Basically, I ripped a new one into anyone and everyone that even suggested his guilt. Now that he’s been busted again, my little outburst is coming back to haunt me. I never make poor decisions with the football, but I think I screwed up this time. What should I do?

-LambeauLeapt BeforeILooked

LambeauLeapt,

You definitely look like a jerk right now. But you are in luck; there is an easy way out. First of all, say you were just defending a friend and believed his lies. That won’t work, but it’s nice to say. Then, bring in the big guns. Just say you were confused.

Everyone knows that football doesn’t care about steroids. Since last season, 32 players were suspended for performance enhancing drugs. I bet even YOU didn’t know that. In your world, ‘roiding up just doesn’t matter all that much. So, say you didn’t understand the silly baseball outrage, and that’s why you said what you did.

Explain that you didn’t think PEDs were that big of a deal. In football, they’re not.

Next time maybe do a twitter double check before pressing send (get it?),

-BS Advisor

 

Hi, my name is Timmy. I like football, God, Jesus, and also football. But I have a problem. Just because people think that I’m not smart enough to run an offense and don’t have technique, arm strength, or accuracy throwing the ball, teams won’t let me be a quarterback.

My first team let me play QB for part of a year and then traded me. The next year my second team let me practice quarterbacking but wouldn’t let me do it in the games. Then they got rid of me. I finally signed with a new team, but they are making me catch the passes in practice, not throw them. I can’t figure out why they won’t let me throw. Can you help me? Is this really just a 3 year test from the Lord before I’m able to be the great quarterback that I know I hope I can be?

God Bless,

T.T.

Dear T.T.,

It seems like you might be a man of faith. So, maybe you should look at things in a different light. If two teams saw you practice as a QB, and both of them got rid of you, and then a third team won’t even let you practice at the position, maybe that’s a sign from God that you aren’t meant to be a quarterback. Remember, it isn’t just those three teams that don’t think you can throw the ball. You were a free agent. All 32 teams don’t think you can throw. This isn’t a test from God for you to overcome. It is a message. It ain’t gonna happen. Give it up, and become the best tight end that you can be.

Mazel Tov,

-BS Advisor

 

Dear BS Advisor:

Have you ever had an old friend that just won’t leave you alone? I know this guy, let’s call him A-Rod, that just refuses to take a hint. We have let him play on our baseball team for a few years (including one championship season), but now we just want him to go away. When he got hurt we might have taken some liberties with the DL to keep him away, but he keeps ruining it by trying to come back. The first time we told people he was too injured to play when he wasn’t, ok. Maybe he didn’t pick-up on what we were doing. But now, twice, we have made a bogus claim about his ability to play, and both times he has let everyone know that we are lying. If he would just be quiet and waste the rest of the year in Scranton or Trenton, everything would be so much better. Can you please help us get rid of this guy? Please?

-27Rings1BigHeadache

Dear 27Rings,

If we have learned anything from Tina Turner and Rihanna, it is that sometimes you are just stuck with a guy. It may not be ideal, but maybe the best plan would be to stop trying to get rid of him and instead look on the bright side. Let’s say, hypothetically, that your team is in the bottom half of the league in Runs, Batting Average, Home Runs, and basically every other hitting statistic. In that (totally hypothetical) case, could it really hurt to add another bat, no matter how annoying it may be?

If so, my only other advice would be to wait until he lands into some kind of trouble (with PEDs or lying to the league or something) and do absolutely nothing to help him. Then hope the league unleashes its fury.

Hopefully that all happens for ya,

-BS Advisor

 

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