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Dear Football season, please hurry up

come-back-footballSaying I miss football would be a gross understatement. I need football season to start like a kid playing little league needs Big League Chew and sunflower seeds. College, NFL, hell, I’d take a Division 2 matchup at this point.

There has been a void in my soul since Ray Lewis preached a sermon after the Raven’s Super Bowl win in February. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve tried to watch other sports with the same enthusiasm as I do football. I watched NASCAR on Sunday for God’s sake. It just isn’t the same. I’m seriously starting to feel like Allison the huffer from A&E’s Intervention when she runs out of the 12 cases of Walmart computer duster she purchased 3 hours before. I wish that last statement was really a joke, but it’s true. I need my fix.

I need Saturday morning ESPN Gameday just so I can talk about how big of a jagoff Kirk Herbstreit is and try to convince myself that Lee Corso can’t be as crazy as he puts on, even though I know he is really batshit crazy much like Dick Vitale. I need the Saturday football upsets, the debates on how the SEC is favored, and of course sneaking booze into Neyland Stadium.

I need Sunday NFL and all that comes with it like Tony Romo throwing for 400 yards only to throw a pick 6 with 2 minutes to go in the game causing the Cowboys to lose again, Adrian Peterson rushing for 250 yards, and praying that my Titans might actually win a game that day.

Football season is the greatest season of the year and it’s always at this point in the year that I start getting antsy. I need football like Uncle Jessie from Full House needed a leather jacket and a guitar. I just wish football would just hurry up and start already.

I would do many things to make it start sooner if that was an option. I’d shave my eyebrows, punch my boss in the face, drink sweat from Chris Johnson’s dreadlocks, whatever it would take I’d do it.

Come back football. I need you.

 

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John Upton

John Upton

John Upton is a stand up comic from Tazewell, TN. He has performed with Harland Williams, Brian Posehn, Guy Torry, Tammy Pescatelli, and many more. You can catch him on stage or at the bar watching sports at Side Splitters Comedy Club in Knoxville, TN.
John Upton

@@uptonjcomedy

I have a weird voice
John Upton
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