Bacon Sports

Terribly Awesome Baseball Card of the Day: Glenn Hubbard

Drew Grote — Tue, 21 May 2013 16:58:37 +0000

Glenn Hubbard, 1984 Fleer

Glenn Hubbard is clearly channeling his inner Jake the Snake while having a good time at the Vet in Philly. What’s amazing is that his beard is so good that it almost overshadows the fact that he’s got a giant python hanging on his shoulders.

Speaking of pythons and Jake the Snake, this video encompasses why the WWF in the 80′s was the greatest show on earth and why the Jake the Snake/Ultimate Warrior feud was one of its best.

If we can learn anything from this video, its to never go into a basement with a grown man that has a mustache and a love for snakes. Nothing good will come of it.

A special thanks to @thesportsjudge for submitting today’s card. If you find a terribly awesome baseball card, feel free to send it to us at rob@baconsports.com.

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This day in sports, bacon cologne, and a baseball fight video

Matt Glamkowski — Tue, 21 May 2013 16:44:33 +0000

Todays Sports Birthdays

Lets celebrate the birth of the severely slumping Josh Hamilton. Angels fans are praying you stay sober and start hitting. Kent Hrbek, the consonant king, Hall of Fame Manager Bobby Cox, Ricky Williams the pot loving running back that cost Da Coach a job and a wedding dress in New Orleans. And finally Dave Wanstedt, another Bears coach, more famous for his mustache than his ability to coach a winning team.

This Day in Sports History

1943 - The White Sox and the Senators played the fastest 9 inning night game in American League history. The game was finished in 89 minutes.

1966 - Muhammad Ali TKOs Henry Cooper in the 6th round for the heavyweight boxing title.

1997 - Roger Clemens (Boston Red Sox) got his 200th win.

Bacon Love of the Day

Introducing ‘bacōn,’ the Cologne for Men Who Want to Smell Like a Real Man. If you choose to not smell like Derek Jeter then this is definitely the next best option.

Totally Random Sports Video of the Day

Note to self. Don’t fight Kyle Farnsworth.

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Happy Birthday David Wells, Stan Mikita, and Tony Stewart

Matt Glamkowski — Mon, 20 May 2013 21:58:09 +0000

Celebrating a birthday on May 20th is the bad boy of driving in a circle Tony Stewart, oversized pitcher and surprisingly very effective while hung over David Wells and the second most overpaid player in baseball, Jayson Werth. We all know A-Fraud is the highest overpaid player in baseball, but at least Werth is still playing.

On the day of an important night in the quest for the cup, lets celebrate an all-time great and Chicago Blackhawks stud, Stan Mikita. Stan was the man in his career for the Hawks and as he lead the league in scoring four times. While that’s impressive, it is not as impressive as getting a shout out in Wayne’s World.

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Terribly Awesome Baseball Card of the Day: Felix Millan

Drew Grote — Mon, 20 May 2013 21:05:59 +0000

Felix Millan, 1976 Topps

I’ll guarantee you that never has a baseball card so falsely painted a picture of a players skill set based on the picture alone than Felix Millan’s 1976 Topps card. I haven’t seen an athlete that choked up for no reason since Terrell Owens told us Tony Romo was his quarterback.

Felix Millan, aka “The Kitten”, was a 3-time All-Star (1969. 1970, 1971) and won a Gold Glove twice (1969, 1972) for his work at second-base. Legend has it that he was a late bloomer and his High School baseball coach told him to choke up on the bat. Not knowing how far to choke up Felix decided that about 40% of the way up sounded like a good idea. It just so happens that he went 4-4 with a home run that day and the grip stuck (note: parts or all of this story may be made up…though the part about the All-Star appearances is true).

So, be sure to choke halfway up your tallboy and yell “El Gatito!!!” before every sip in honor of Felix Millan’s terribly awesome baseball card.

Be sure to follow Drew on Twitter @DrewtheEmployee.

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Derrick Rose Pickup Artist-ed us all. Mystery would be proud

Mike Domanico — Mon, 20 May 2013 16:10:09 +0000

In 2007, VH1 aired a show called The Pickup Artist. For those (probably everyone except me) who didn’t have the pleasure of seeing this program, it was a reality show based around a guy named Mystery (Erik von Markovik) who taught losers how to be total d-bags and pick up drunk girls. The philosophy was pretty simple: cover yourself in expensive looking things and then lie to girls to make them like you. Mystery also had an obsession with things he called “flare” which were used to ”peacock” (or the act of “peacocking”). He felt that wearing these random and pointless pieces of clothing were essential to getting ladies to like you. It’s pretty much like the pieces of flare in Office Space, except Mystery’s flare tended to look like he got them from the women’s section at Hot Topic.

Watching the show, we all (again, probably just me) laughed at drunk girls and cheered on the losers as they tricked the girls into falling for their elaborate lies and cheetah-print cowboy hats. BUT GUESS WHAT? We all fell for it too, not as VH1 reality fans, but as NBA fans. Derrick Rose Pickup Artist-ed us all.

We arrived at The NBA Season right when they opened the doors because The NBA Season is well known as the cool place to be, between October and June. The drinks are always way too expensive, but there is always a big crowd and the music is always good. We grabbed a seat at the bar, ordered a few drinks, mingled with some friends, and then he caught our eye.

Covered in fancy looking “The Return” commercials, we couldn’t help but notice Derrick Rose. In those commercials, he was looking good, maybe even better than ever. We pretended like we weren’t really that excited to see him. “I want to see how Jeremy Lin plays in Houston”, we said, but when we saw him in those flashy commercials, all eyes were on Derrick.

Then, just as we were frothy with anticipation, D-Rose just seemed to disappear.

The last time I saw The Pickup Artist, Amy Winehouse’s Rehab didn’t seem like a cry for help. So, I guess I could be forgetting some details, but I don’t remember them talking about the part of the strategy where you ignore the other person for like 5 months. Maybe it was covered in season 2 (even I didn’t watch that). However he came with it, Rose used this as part of his plan and it worked. When we finally saw him again around the All-Star Break, all anyone wanted to talk about was when they expected him to start spending time with us. We couldn’t wait another minute. Unfortunately, that’s when the lying started. Lies that would make Mystery proud.

“Oh, hey, NBA Fans. You look good. Um, I’m totally going to come back this year. Probably. I just need to do this one thing real quick and then I’ll be there.”

“The knee feels great! I’m worried about my hamstrings, though. I’ll be back soon”

He knew exactly what to say to make our hearts melt. We just kept hoping and waiting, expecting and wishing, but ‘probably’ became ‘maybe’ and ‘maybe’ became ‘only God knows’ as Rose continued to toy with our emotions.

Rose even used some flare. Before games, he would be in uniform (which ended up being useless clothing), running and dunking and doing all of the things that he CLAIMED he couldn’t do. The things he CLAIMED were the reason he could not be with us yet.

Maybe we were just drunk, but even as The NBA Season was beginning to close, we still had hope when Rose wouldn’t rule out coming back to us. “Maybe in the first round”, we said, “or to play the Heat”. Surely, after the Bulls won the first game in Miami, he would be as interested in being with us as we were in being with him.

But, no.

In the end, he never came back to us. He and his buddies didn’t even wait for last call. They got in a couple of fights and were asked to leave The NBA Season early. It was only after he was gone that we realized how he was never really into actually spending time with us. He just used his expensive-looking commercials, some flare, and endless lies to keep us interested. In the end, he didn’t really care about coming back, and being with us. He blew us off and we were left with nothing but broken hearts and the Memphis Grizzlies.

We were all Pickup Artist-ed by Derrick Rose. Mystery would be proud.

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Video of Red Wings fans doing the robot and giving Chewbacca impressions

Rob Cressy — Mon, 20 May 2013 15:39:12 +0000

I was given the task by the Chicago Red Eye to head to a Detroit Red Wings bar and see what sort of content I could come up with. Rocking my old school script Chicago Bulls Jordan jersey I decided to have some fun with the Wings fans and see what they thought of Marian Hossa as well as see if I could get some of them to give me their best robot dance or impression of Chewbacca. The results were as phenomenal as Miguel’s Hulk Hogan like leg drop last night.

Click here to check out the full article that I did for the RedEye documenting my experience that night.

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Terribly Awesome Baseball Card of the day involving a Budweiser Umbrella Hat

Rob Cressy — Sat, 18 May 2013 22:29:07 +0000

I am so happy that someone with a real job decided to capture this moment of Jay Johnstone wearing a Budweiser umbrella hat and put it on his baseball card. If you had to create a baseball card that would best represent that’s teams fans it would be this one. This screams drunken June day in the Wrigley Bleachers spitting game on chicks. Thank you Jay Johnstone, you are my new favorite person of the weekend.

Side note: Can you imagine someone on a Gregg Popovich or Bill Bellichick coached team trying to do this on the sidelines?

Send us your favorite baseball cards @BaconSports. Remember the more random, goofy, or outrageous the better. We wouldn’t want it any other way.

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I miss the NBA of yesteryear

John Upton — Sat, 18 May 2013 21:58:43 +0000

If you’ve been watching this years NBA Playoffs, you have witnessed some great basketball. There has been the expected : Miami breezing through opponents like Lil Wayne breezing through bottles of cough syrup. There’s been the unexpected: The Memphis Grizzlies advancing to the Western Conference Finals for the first time in franchise history. The only people putting Memphis this far was Memphis fans and guys in Vegas with nothing to lose. And of course, Craig Sager has been looking as fly as a pimp walking the streets of Compton.

As exciting as this year has been, I miss the NBA that I grew up watching. You know, the NBA playoff matchups where you know the play was going to be physical because that’s just how it was. Rodman versus Malone in a tripping fest or Bill Laimbeer throwing bows and John Starks being sneaky and creepy. The NBA today is too soft, and unfortunately, this years playoffs have proven that.

Anyone remember in round one when after a game vs. the Nuggets, Mark Jackson accused Denver of putting a “Hit” out on Steph Curry. A “Hit”? My first thought was “Hold on Mark, didn’t you play in a time where rough play was the norm?” Now, he’s complaining over touch fouls. Steph Curry is an amazing shooter, but the kid has got to get tough and he wont get tough when his coach is crying foul over softies. Steph Curry, if your scared go buy a dog.

In the late 80′s and early 90′s Steph Curry would go through that kind of play every single night, and back then if New York wanted to shut him down, they would have put Charles Oakley (my favorite hatchet man of all time who happened to look like Django Unchained until he shaved his head) on him. That is what the old days of the NBA were all about. When you were in the playoffs, you were literally in a dog fight every single game, why do you think Mike Vick wanted to be in the NBA. I always loved the classic physical matchups between the Pistons vs. the Celtics and the Pacers vs. the Knicks. You had to have some backbone to play back then, not this spineless jellyfish shit.

I also miss the unsung heroes produced in the older days. Some people loved them, but most people hated them. I’m talking the likes of Bill Laimbeer, Kurt Rambis, Charles Oakley, Dennis Rodman, Robert Parrish…the list goes on and on. None of these guys were prolific scorers, but they were physical and used that physicality to play to help their team by throwing off opponents. Players like this are few and far between anymore, and has in some ways made the NBA not as exciting as it once was. Come on guys, let’s just see one good brawl this year. Not necessarily like the Malice at the Palace but more than LeBron flopping like an old ladies boobs when pushed by Bulls player Nazr Mohammed.

As exciting as this years matchups have been, they could be better, like a nice pair of 18 year old boobs. What’s a good playoff match up without the threat of a fight everynight? If that question baffles you, then I feel sorry for you because that means that you missed the good old days of some badass playoff basketball with epic rivalries. I am aware that those days are basically gone forever, but one can always hope for an all out brawl on the court and pertinent rivalries to build up again.

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Titus Young Continues To Set Records…Off The Field

Rob Cressy — Sat, 18 May 2013 13:08:58 +0000

Detroit fans have a new Triple Crown winner to celebrate and he doesn’t go by the name of Miguel Cabrera. Former Detroit Lions wide receiver Titus Young has had a rough week, to say the least. The former 2^nd round draft pick in 2011 hit the trifecta after being arrested three times in the past week, making his chances of a return to the NFL about as slim as Tayshaun Prince’s forearm. As if this off the field drama wasn’t enough, his father’s claim that Young suffers from a brain disorder added yet another element to the always entertaining saga of a talented idiot.

His first incident occurred on May 5^th, when Young was pulled over for making an illegal left turn in his black Mustang. He was cited for suspicion of driving under the influence. After the car was impounded, he decided to get it back himself, which prompted his second arrest in a matter of hours. Who does he think he is, Memphis Raines?

And how did Young complete the sacred trifecta that Pacman Jones, Chris Henry, and other NFL greats have failed to achieve? Last Friday night, he was charged with burglary, assaulting a police officer and resisting arrest after breaking into a home in San Clemente, California. And just like that, history was made.

After antics like these, could Young possibly land a gig with another NFL team? He might never live up to the lofty expectations he had as a 2^nd round pick, but his rookie season did show promise when he caught 48 passes for 607 yards and six touchdowns. And he’s only 23 years old. His arrests will without a doubt hold him back, and one has to wonder if Young’s dad is telling the truth here.

After antics like these, could Young possibly land a gig with another NFL team? Would you trust him in your fantasy football team? He might never live up to the lofty expectations he had as a 2^nd round pick, but his rookie season did show promise when he caught 48 passes for 607 yards and six touchdowns. And he’s only 23 years old. His arrests will without a doubt hold him back, and one has to wonder if Young’s dad is telling the truth here.

He first showed some questionable behavior when he sabotaged the Lions passing offense in Week 14 because he was frustrated with his lack of touches. Since being released in February, he has received some interest, but no one has taken a chance on him up to this point. Cincinnati Bengals, anyone?

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5 ballers whose verticals make me sad

Matt the Intern — Fri, 17 May 2013 15:58:22 +0000

Yes I can dunk. It isn’t easy for me and it’s not pretty. I’m also 6 foot 3 and have the gangly arms of an orangutan. If I had to pick my dunk package in NBA 2K it would be ‘rim grazer.’ For the most part I live my life fairly content with my hops. Then I see videos of these guys and I become clinically depressed.

To help make up for my lack of hops I thought it would be appropriate to show videos of 5 ballers who’s verticals make me sad.

1. Jacob Tucker is the first featured baller on my list. He is 5 foot 10 and recently won the college slam dunk contest in 2011. I’m not going to tell you any of these guys’ verticals because it would put me back in that dark place.

2. Kenny Dobbs is the next baller I have on my list. He has the unique combination of swag and also some of the most impressive dunks I have ever seen. He is 6 foot 3 but if you add the length of his dreadlocks to his overall height, he has got to be over 7 feet.

3. The third dunker on my list goes by the name of Air Up There. Here’s him doing a 720 dunk, ’nuff said.

4. This next dunker is the only one on my list who is in the NBA. James White actually competed in this years NBA dunk contest. He failed miserably. However, I was blown away when I saw this video of White warming up for the 2006 NCAA Slam Dunk Contest. The best part of this video is that even with how insanely high White jumps here, Dee Brown still botches the toss.

5. Last but not least, this baller goes by the name of ‘Golden Child.’ That’s right, ‘Golden Child.’ I had never heard of him until conducting my ‘intellectual’ research on this subject. He’s legit.

I don’t know about you guys, but I am going to go and do a million calf raises right now.

Matt is interning with us this summer and is the newest addition to the Bacon Sports team. He bleeds the maize and blue, is a sports video game addict, and thinks that Andre Miller and Manu Ginobili would make the greatest backcourt in the NBA. You can follow him on Twitter @Komieyashi.

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Awarding an MVP of the Mighty Ducks Trilogy

Trey Kalny — Fri, 17 May 2013 13:19:44 +0000

Recently, the NHL announced Alex Ovechkin, Sidney Crosby, and the Islanders’ John Tavares as the three finalists for the 2013 Hart Trophy, which reigns supreme among the pantheon of obscurely-named hockey trophies, which is awarded to the MVP of the league.

I’m sure a case can be made for each of these players winning the award. However, like the vast majority of the sports-viewing public outside of Canada, I simply don’t follow the NHL close enough to make those arguments. (For me, the name “Tavares” conjures up memories of former Minnesota Vikings quarterback Tarvaris Jackson being choke slammed by Chris Clemons during an interception return.) I can, however, weigh-in on a certain hockey debate that has confounded sports-movie lovers for decades: Who is the MVP of Disney’s The Mighty Ducks trilogy?

THE PRETENDERS

LUIS MENDOZA

Remember those skinny guys from Nintendo’s Ice Hockey? That’s essentially Luis Mendoza. He’s super-fast, but since he can’t stop, he spends almost half his time on his butt. If he had spent half as much time focusing on how to stop as he does on learning the anatomy of the cheerleaders at Eden Hall Academy, he might have become hockey’s version of Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez from The Sandlot.

RUSS TYLER

An outspoken trash-talker with a gimmicky shot, Russ Tyler is nothing more than a conflation of the Jesse Hall and Fulton Reed characters. When Team USA plays inner-city L.A. youths in a game of street hockey during D2, it’s Russ’ unnamed brother who proves to be the better player, schooling the Ducks both with his skills and with his advice. And yet, in order to capitalize on the mass appeal of Kenan Thompson, it’s one-trick-pony, Russ Tyler, who makes the team and prevents Charlie Conway from suiting up for the most important game of his life.

KENNY WU

Kenny Wu acts as nothing more than a fill-in for Tammy Duncan when, for undisclosed reasons, she and her brother Tommy don’t rejoin the team in the second movie. He’s small, soft, and, despite his brief stint as the “Little Bash Brother,” Kenny “Yamag-Wu-chi” should only be mentioned in rumors about who could help revive “Skating with the Stars,” and not in a scholarly debate to determine the MVP of the Mighty Ducks.

CONNIE MOREAU & GUY GERMAINE

“The Velvet Hammer” is a model of consistency, and, until Bombay unearths the Hawks’ gerrymandering scheme to keep Adam Banks out of Division 5, Guy Germaine is the most skilled player on the Ducks. Connie and Guy are part of only a handful of players to appear in all three films in the trilogy, but they’re more concerned with being each other’s most valuable player than being the MVP for the Ducks.

JULIE “THE CAT” GAFFNEY

If “The Cat” spent more time in the net and less time making googly-eyes at Gunner Stahl, she could be a legitimate MVP candidate. Renowned throughout Bangor, ME for her glove skills, she’s clearly the most talented netminder on the squad. However, she lacks the mental tenacity to win the starting job until D3 where her lack of focus causes her to fall victim to Goldberg’s dietary sabotage. By the end of her career, she has undergone the unfortunate transformation from “The Cat” into “The Fat.”

DEAN PORTMAN

Dean Portman’s brash-and-bash personality makes him one of the more memorable players on the Ducks, but he spends too much time in the penalty box to be a true MVP contender. He gets ejected mere seconds into during Team USA’s first game with Iceland, and he only appears at the end of the third movie to perform a striptease in the penalty box. For all his charisma, Portman’s primary role is to absolve Goldberg for being accused of every flatulent episode.

GREG GOLDBERG

Goldberg is much more versatile than people give him credit for. At Eden Hall, he makes the transformation to defensemen and scores the winning goal in the game against the Varsity. But if we look at his career as a whole, Goldberg is the proverbial- and literal- weight holding the Ducks down. His GAA average is more inflated than Wolf “The Dentist” Stansson’s ego, which ultimately costs him his job. The only way Goldberg could be the MVP is if he stole somebody else’s identity- like when he posed as Aaron Spelling’s nephew in order to get a private fashion show.

THE CONTENDERS

LESTER AVERMAN

Just kidding.

ADAM BANKS

No one can dispute that Adam Banks is the overall most talented player on the Ducks roster. If anyone else on the team wore #99, it would blaspheme the legacy of Wayne Gretzky, but Banks gets a pass because he’s the most skilled player ever to come out of Edina, MN. Unfortunately, Banks is frailer than a liquid-nitrogen-covered-uniform and about as loyal as Mr. Ducksworth. He spends more time on injured reserve or skating with another team than he does actually playing for the Ducks. If he could stay healthy and be content to stay with the flock, he would be the unanimous selection for MVP. Instead, the only title he’s worthy of is “Cake Eater.”

CHARLIE CONWAY

Yes, Charlie serves as the undisputed moral conscience and Captain of the Ducks. Yes, Charlie scores the winning goal in the shootout with the Hawks at the end of the first movie. Yes, Charlie sacrifices his roster spot in the Gold Medal game against Iceland so that Banks can play. But we’re talking most valuable player, not most valuable player-coach. This isn’t Pro Beach Hockey.

Sure, Conway had his moments and provided the leadership that kept the Ducks together during the staged walkout led by that twerp Peter Mark. (Though interestingly, Charlie attempts a failed walkout of his own against Coach Orion in D3). But the truth is, Charlie isn’t a particularly talented skater or scorer. He’s certainly in the MVP discussion, but at the end of the day, he’s much more worthy of the King Clancy Memorial Trophy (awarded to the player who best exemplifies leadership qualities both on and off the ice and has made a positive impact on his community.)

THE MVP

FULTON REED

Fulton Reed takes the best traits of all the Ducks’ players and combines them to form an unstoppable junior hockey juggernaut. His large frame and bone-crushing forecheck earn him the reputation as one-half of the “Bash Brothers.”

Despite being an outcast at the beginning of the first film, Fulton develops a fierce loyalty to the team. Admittedly, he quits the team with Charlie in D3, but only because Coach Orion tampers with the Ducks’ founding ethos. However, it should also be noted that he’s the only other Duck besides Charlie to show support for Coach Bombay during Peter’s mutiny.

But the real reason Fulton Reed deserves to be MVP is that slap shot. Sure it’s only on goal one out of five times, but when his aim is true, opposing teams flee out of its way, more than happy to sacrifice a goal in exchange for retaining all their limbs. The guy’s blue line slap shot literally knocks the Iceland goalie out cold in the shootout of the Gold Medal game.

Assuming that Reed scores every five times he shoots the puck (and there’s no reason to believe he doesn’t), his shooting percentage would rank among the highest of any hockey player ever. Combine that with his enforcer personality and his intense dedication to the team, and there is no argument: Fulton Reed is the MVP of the Mighty Ducks.

Who do you think is the MVP of the Mighty Duck trilogy? Holla at us in the comments or hit us up on Twitter @BaconSports

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Hard Sports Trivia Quiz 14: Baseball Edition

Matt Glamkowski — Fri, 17 May 2013 12:38:36 +0000

Its Friday again, thankfully, and we all know what that means. It is time to use our brains one last time for the work week and answer all of our favorite sports trivia questions. Good luck!

Same Letter – all of these answers will be a player or person’s name that has the same first letter in their first and last name (ex. Steve Smith). This time it will be all players with the letter B starting their first and last name, in baseball.

1. Current Milwaukee Brewers pitcher, has pitched 15 innings so far and has given up 12 hits

2. In the 2005 World Series against the White Sox, this pitcher threw 7 innings and had an ERA of 0.00

3. The pride and joy of Lifkin Texas, current Giants 1st baseman and OF

4. Under utilized right fielder for the Tigers, 3rd round pick out of UC-Berkley

5. Portrayed by Brad Pitt in moneyball and has the lowest payroll every year

6. The father of the home run king

7. A man I miss calling my Cubs games, World Series champion coach

8. First ever third generation baseball player

9. Possibly the greatest name in baseball history, only played 4 years, lastly for the A’s in 2010

10. Padres manager since 2007

11. Played for the Indians and Mariners as a left fielder and first baseman

12. Half of the original killer b’s and still getting paid by the New York Mets

13. The tainted other half of the original killer b’s

14. Played off and on for the Cubs in the 2000′s, he has a name that reminds me of a weatherman

15. The one time most hated man in Red Sox Nation

I’ll give you the answers after this video of another B-B, Brent Barry crip walking after participating in the NBA Three Point Contest.

Answers
1. Burke Badenhop
2. Branson Backe
3. Brandon Belt
4. Brennan Boesch
5. Billy Bean
6. Bobby Bonds
7. Bob Brenly
8. Brett Boone
9. Boof Bonser
10. Bud Black
11. Ben Broussard
12. Bobby Bonilla
13. Barry Bonds
14. Brant Brown
15. Bill Buckner

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Celebrating your birthday by lighting your hair on fire

Matt Glamkowski — Thu, 16 May 2013 20:22:47 +0000

On this May 16th lets blow out the candles for Hall of Famer Thurman Thomas, outspoken Billy Martin and former NHL MVP Corey Perry, reading from the couch at home. Despite reading from the couch right now, Corey Perry is a hell of a hockey player though he got his shit kicked in by Pavel Datsyuk, which is astounding because it seems every year Datsyuk wins the gentlemanly award handed out by the NHL. Nonetheless, lets celebrate the man who has won four championship rings, with three different teams, in three different decades and two different millenniums, John Salley. More importantly he has reinvented himself after basketball with appearances in movies, reality shows and as a celebrity judge.

Since todays birthdays were less than stellar, lets watch a hot chick blowing out her candles and her hair catches on fire. Cake: 1 Stupid Girl: 0.

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Terrible Baseball Card of the Day: Pete Ladd

Drew Grote — Thu, 16 May 2013 19:09:31 +0000

Pete Ladd, ’86 Topps

There is nothing remotely interesting about Pete Ladd aside from the fact that he looks like Wierd Al. I do question him wearing a gold chain as he doesn’t look cool enough to rock this look. That’s something that Neon Deion Sanders did, not a guy that looks like he could own a van down by the river.

Send us your favorite baseball card @BaconSports. Remember the more random the better. We wouldn’t want it any other way.

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From Jimmy to Dwyane: A Marquette Alum’s Take on Their Divergent Career Paths

Erik Schmidt — Thu, 16 May 2013 14:59:43 +0000

At Marquette University, Dwyane Wade is a god. He’s thunder and lightning and pyrotechnics rolled into one transcendent badass. He’s the freaking Golden Eagle pope, the incomparable ambassador of all things MU basketball, and when he takes a crap, it smells like Dove soap and winning.

I know this because I went to Marquette.

One of the first things I did as a freshman back in 2008 was buy a Dwyane Wade t-shirt, and a year later when I got the job as the sports columnist for the Marquette Tribune, I wrote this about him. This is how everybody at Marquette feels. We love the hell out of this guy. We treat him like horny dogs treat fire hydrants and pant legs.

Then the summer of 2010 happened. With the help of Pat Riley, D-Wade did what Lex Luthor never could and took over the world. In the biggest and grandest coup in sports history, the Miami heat landed LeBron James and Chris Bosh, forever changing the NBA and signaling the dawn of Wade’s tragic fall from grace as Marquette’s flawless demigod.

Around the same time, a kid named Jimmy Butler was having a breakout junior year up in Milwaukee.

He wasn’t particularly good at anything, but damn did he work hard and make us smile. I sat next to Jimmy in a couple classes, interviewed him on occasion, and belligerently cheered my ass off when he did something cool.

This guy was what Marquette basketball was about. He wasn’t about flash or cameras or highlights. Just like our coach Buzz Williams, Jimmy showed up and just did his job. He smiled when he played well and practiced harder when he didn’t, and that was that. And we loved him for it.

His rise at Marquette looked like this:

2008-2009: Games Started – 0, MPG – 19.6, PPG – 5.6, RPG – 3.9, SPG – 0.5

2009-2010: Games Started – 34, MPG – 34.3, PPG – 14.7, RPG – 6.4, SPG – 1.3

And then a year later, just when Marquette was really falling for him, he graduated and declared for the draft. I saw some other great, beloved players go during my time at Marquette, like Jerel McNeal and Lazar Hayward, but when Jimmy left I felt like my girlfriend broke up with me and punched me in the balls.

Yes, I grieved. But then draft night rolled around, and as soon as Mr. Personality himself, David Stern, said “And with the 30th pick of the 2011 NBA Draft, the Chicago Bulls select Ji-”, I lost my mind. I called everybody in my phone. I may have cried, I don’t remember, because I was too busy cleaning up bodily fluids.

The next year, I wrote this column about the experience, which remains one of my favorite things I’ve ever written.

This season Jimmy has become to Chicago what he was for me and so many others when he was at Marquette. And he’s doing something that looks strangely familiar:

2011-2012: Games Started – 0, MPG – 8.5, PPG – 2.6, RPG – 1.3, SPG – 0.3

2012-2013: Games Started – 20, MPG – 26, PPG – 8.6, RPG -4.0, SPG – 1.0

And of course we all know what he’s been doing in the playoffs, playing nearly every minute of every game while defending the human Michael Bay movie that is LeBron James. How does he do it? Because he doesn’t ask questions or make excuses. He does whatever he needs to do and punches the clock. Once again, playing for a tough-as-nails, no-nonsense, no-complaining, no-anything coach, Jimmy is thriving.

He is Chicago basketball: a hard-working, blue collar warrior who has no earthly business succeeding but he does anyway.

Which brings me back to Wade.

I’ve got to watch Marquette’s two favorite sons play on the same court during this series, and it’s striking how different the two are. Wade is Hollywood; he’s style and primping and posing. He’s never committed a foul in his life. He dresses like Tommy Hilfigers’ artistic throw-up. If the Heat ever constructed a statue in his honor, it would be of him throwing his hands up in a symbolic F-U to the refs.

Then there’s Jimmy. He is Chicago; just going about his business without even the slightest hint of defiance. Guarding LeBron, guarding Joe Johnson, guarding everyone and anyone, playing 48 minutes three games in a row like he’s powered by a nuclear reactor. But he’s not. It’s all heart. If Chicago built a statue of him, it would be of him in a defensive stance with a smile on his face.

Two players, two very different paths. One with all the talent in the world who ended up becoming a caricature of a himself. The other, a perpetual underdog just trying to live his dream.

If you’re a Marquette fan — hell, if you’re a basketball fan — which one would you cheer for?

Erik is interning with us this summer and is the newest addition to the Bacon Sports team. He loves MMA, has actually received a scar in a bar fight, and once partied with the Milwaukee Bucks. You can follow him on Twitter @erikschmidtmu.

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John Smoltz’ Ironing Accident, the Frozen Envelope and More Urban Sports Myths

Drew Grote — Wed, 15 May 2013 20:12:13 +0000

Today is John Smoltz’s 46^th birthday. Smoltz is often noted as one of the most underrated pitchers of the last 30 years, if not all time. He was an 8-time all-star, won the 1996 Cy Young Award and is one of only two players in the history of pro baseball to record a 20-win season and record 55 saves in a season (Dennis Eckersley being the other). Unfortunately, around here, he is best known for the myth that he once missed a start because he injured himself trying to iron a shirt that he was wearing. This ridiculously awesome story got me to thinking about some of my personal favorite sports urban myths.

Before we get to the other myth’s lets talk about Smoltz “allegedly” ironing a shirt with it on. If you’ve ever been short on time, out of Febreze, and the shirt you were wearing looked like a California raisin don’t tell me that you haven’t considered turning on that iron and gently seeing if you could get some of those wrinkles out. The mental picture I have of John Smoltz attempting this is just as good as his career was.

As a quick side note, with being injured in a non-conventional way top of mind here are a few of my favorite bizarre injuries that actually happened to professional athletes.

Marty Cordova (Oriole’s outfielder) once severely burnt himself after falling asleep in a tanning bed. Apparently, tanning bed injuries aren’t just for bored, drunken housewives anymore.
Jeff Kent (Giants 2^nd basemen & world-class doocher ) slipped, fell and broke his wrist while washing his truck. I like to think he slipped while putting a third coat of wax on his truck nuts.
Joel Zumaya (Tigers Pitcher) was diagnosed with wrist tendinitis due to an addiction to the video game Guitar Hero. Totally understandable. After a bad rash of carpal tunnel injuries, the Bacon Sports team had to implement a strict “wrist-brace while masturbating” policy.

Wade Boggs “allegedly” once drank 64 beers on a cross-country flight. Like most urban legends, this one has no doubt grown over the years. Boggs probably drank twenty-four beers, which turned into forty-eight, and finally settled at sixty-four beers. I’ve known some heavy boozers in my days and, to me, this seems physically impossible. At most, the flight was 5 hours. If he truly drank sixty-four beers, that puts Boggs’ consumption rate at nearly thirteen beers an hour. That’s incredible, even for a pudgy, left-handed 3rd baseman that hit for average. Here’s Boggs addressing this rumor on PTI.

Micheal Jordan was politely asked by NBA Commissioner David Stern to play baseball for a year due to a severe gambling problem that could have tarnished Stern’s efforts to improve the NBA’s reputation. There is no evidence to the validity of this rumor, but it’s not hard to see Bulls/White Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf going along with ploy. He stood to make millions off Jordan’s move to baseball with ticket and jersey sales for a floundering White Sox brand. The move itself is amazing, regardless of reason. Jordan moving to baseball in his prime would be like LeBron going to the Marlins to play center field. Although, knowing Marlin’s owner Jefferey Loria, he would probably trade LeBron right before the deadline to the Indians for a journeymen relief pitcher and a half-eaten Twix bar.

Patrick Ewing has been at the heart of one of the most egregious sports rumors since he was drafted in 1985. The story goes as a such: David Stern wanted Patrick Ewing playing for the NBA’s biggest market in New York, not mired in obscurity playing for the Clippers. So, he froze the Knicks envelope so that when he reached into the bucket to find the team that would pick first, he would know which envelope was the Knicks. As planned, he pulled the Knicks for the first pick, they got Ewing and the rest is history. By the way, how many titles did the Knicks win with Ewing? That’s right, zilch. I 100% believe this happened.

Add this to your conspiracy theory list, courtesy of Bacon Sports. I think, as his penitence for the Jordan suspension, David Stern is going to rig the 2014 NBA draft to give the lowly Charlotte Bobcats the first pick in the Andrew Wiggins sweepstakes. Mark my word, its gonna happen. Stern is a shrewd man that will go to any lengths to better his product and when it comes to fruition, remember that you heard it here first.

Drew is a new addition to the Bacon Sports team. This native Kentuckian loves his Wildcats and is the world-record holder for the most nickels eaten in an hour. Follow him on twitter at @DrewtheEmployee

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Kaner in the shootout and Bob Probert destroying people

Matt Glamkowski — Wed, 15 May 2013 19:21:21 +0000

Tonight one third of the original six go head to head to start the second round of the NHL playoffs. The Presidents trophy winning Chicago Blackhawks versus the hated, 7th seeded, soon to be non-divisional rival Detroit Red Wings. If you’re a Hawks fan there is a lot to be excited about. Most importantly, you want to send the Wings packing early for the Eastern Conference as quick as getting your mother-in-law on the road back home.

The most exciting player in the shoot-outs for the Blackhawks is good old number 88 Patrick Kane. Goalies hate him, fear him and try not to look stupid while defending the crease. Here’s a compilation of shootout goals by Kaner, the first being against Jimmy Howard. After that embarrassment I am pretty confident Jimmy Howard had to seek professional help to have the courage and strength to get back in net. Here’s to #88 doing what he does best, making sick moves and having goalies look stupid.

There may not be as many fights as we all would like in this playoff series, but in the storied history of these two franchises one great pugilist has walked on both sides of the fence. The late Bob Probert, one of the greatest gatherers of penalty minutes in the history of the NHL and a man who never missed a line, both on and off the ice. Here is a video that shows Probbie all geeked up and doing what he does best, kicking ass for both teams in red.

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Happy Birthday George Brett. Here’s the epic video of him talking about crapping his pants

Matt Glamkowski — Wed, 15 May 2013 16:30:01 +0000

The sports birthdays for May 15 include John Smoltz, Heisman winner Desmond Howard, our favorite “alleged” murdering preacher Ray Lewis, and Emmitt Smith. A ton of sports studs on this day but the Holy Grail is an equal split between a giant bust, Ryan Leaf, and a baseball Hall of Famer with the greatest story ever about crapping his pants in Las Vegas, George Brett.

Ryan Leaf is widely considered to be one of the biggest busts in the history of American sports. A top pick out of Washington State, drafted by the Chargers, the world quickly learned he was as capable of playing football as Michael Jordan was of playing baseball. Currently the most popular inmate in the Montana State penal system. Here’s a video showing Ryan Leaf’s great people skills.

Last but not least, the funniest crapping his pants conversation I have ever heard coming from the mouth of Hall of Famer George Brett. George took the intiative to let the world know just how bad dropping a deuce in your pants and trying to hold it in can be. This is one of my favorite videos ever.

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Toronto, Go F yourself. Love Cleveland

Tom Hamm — Wed, 15 May 2013 14:11:59 +0000

So the Toronto Maple Leafs choked harder than Bob from Bill Swerski’s Superfans, blowing an insurmountable 4-1 lead with 10 minutes to go to the Boston Bruins in game 7 of the Stanley Cup playoffs. You have to feel for Toronto right? A city and nation starving to get back to the playoffs for the first time in 9 years, on the verge of a huge come from behind series victory upset and riots through the streets of downtown Toronto. Wrong. I don’t give a shit or feel sorry for you. I am from Cleveland.

Do not give me this was heart-wrenching, heart pulled out of your chest, it was going to be a victory for the city stuff. Cleveland sports have played with my emotions like Twista does with hoes. I have dealt with it daily, weekly, monthly, yearly, and hell for my entire life. I should be predisposed to the feeling and should not get so emotionally attached, yet I drink the Kool-Aid like it was EctoCooler and still end up feeling like I did when the world lost Tupac.

Let’s start by looking at titles they have. The Blue Jays 92′ and 93′ World Series titles, two of my favorite title squads of all time, 13 Stanley Cup winning Maple Leafs squads, the Raptors who are the biggest melting pot team of all time and eliminated a huge hole by ridding themselves of Chris Bosh, and kick in the Argonauts the reigning CFL Gray cup champions to join their 15 other titles. The closest thing I have to a recent title is the Cleveland Crunch winning an indoor soccer title in 1995, yeah we count that because it’s the closest we have gotten to a real title since 1948. I would give Antoine Walker’s career earnings before bankruptcy for a title.

Cleveland sports teams are most famously known for blowing more leads than the amount of cocaine Matt Jones blows. I have lived through the worst of the worst. The Drive, Earnest Byner crapping down his leg and ruining my Dad’s dream trip to the Super Bowl, The Shot- which you can see on Sportscenter every other segment, Jose Mesa and his gas can blowing Cleveland’s first title since 1948 (I will never forgive Tony Fernandez either). Not enough, oh you may have forgotten that LeBron James spurned the city on national TV and ripped our collective hearts out.

The Indians ~~lost~~, choked a 3-1 lead to the Red Sox in the ALCS with Cy Young winner Captain Cheeseburger Sabathia on the hill at home. The Cavs blew four different games this season up by 20 points. One was a 4^th quarter collapse in under 9 minutes. And do not get me started on the current state of the Cleveland Browns, they have already trimmed years off my life.

I digress. Bottom line is us Cleveland sports fans suffer and have been through the wringer. But no one feels bad for us, they just point and laugh and remind us how our river caught on fire and we are the “Mistake on the Lake”. I do not feel one ounce of sorrow or remorse for the people of Toronto after their Cleveland-like collapse. When it becomes routine come back and we can talk.

I like Toronto as a city, I really do. Great people, a melting pot of society, home to Hedo Turkoglu, a downtown where it is easy to black out quicker than Lindsay Lohan (I’m looking to you Eglington and Yonge streets). Pizza Pizza, Blue, dipping your fries in gravy-don’t knock it rock it, and maple syrup. But when it comes to sports and sympathy for their latest hack job, they can go eat a bag of …..

OH YEAH, CANADIAN BACON. GET LOST!

Don’t forget to follow Tom on Twitter @THamm09

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5 videos showing why Andrew Wiggins is such a baller

Rob Cressy — Wed, 15 May 2013 02:25:17 +0000

Andrew Wiggins, the number one overall high school basket recruit who is from Canada, just committed to play ball for the Kansas Jayhawks. He’s a one and done and assuming all things stay the same he’ll be the number one overall pick in the 2014 NBA draft. He’s been talked about like he invented Tivo, the Red Zone Channel, and iPhones and he throws down in game dunks ala Isaiah Rider in the Slam Dunk Contest. He’s at the Kobe Bryant/in his prime Tracy McGrady level (potentially) and there are NBA execs that have said they’d give Wiggins a max deal right now. Ball So Hard my friend.

If that doesn’t have enough hype built in I don’t know what does. Let’s see what all the hype is about by dropping 5 videos that show why Andrew Wiggins is such a baller.

Andrew Wiggins Official Senior Year Hoopsmixtape

One day I wish a player like this would forgo his one year of college and instead play for the AND 1 Tour. Could you imagine him throwing down 720 dunks with Hot Sauce and Spyda instead of following orders from Bill Self. That would be dope.

Andrew Wiggins responds to overrated chants and goes off

This might have been the easiest sell based on the the title of a video ever. With hype comes expectations. The great meet those expectations and take a dump on opposing fans. This is one of those instances.

Andrew Wiggins at LeBron James Skills Academy

I don’t know what the LeBron James Skills Academy is but I’m guessing it’s the Tom Emanski’s Defensive Drills of basketball. Wiggins owns this academy like Craig Sager does his style.

4 Sick Andrew Wiggins Dunks at the 2012 Charlotte Hoops Challenge

Tim Hardaway killer crossover some 5 food 8 white kid and I’m mildly impressed. What I want to know is how does this cat throw down? Let’s just say that if Brent Barry won an NBA Slam Dunk contest Andrew Wiggins should win 10.

Andrew Wiggins as a Sophomore

You aren’t a once in a generation player without being able to dominate from literally the second you come out of the womb. My Sophomore year in high school I was hoping to be able to touch the middle of the net. Andrew Wiggins was eating people, throwing Kevin Garnett like dunks, and already having threesomes.

Shout out to BallisLife.com for a lot of these videos. They are doing some good work with the baller stuff.

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Ranking the Most Useless Turds Left in the NBA Playoffs

Erik Schmidt — Tue, 14 May 2013 21:41:50 +0000

Ineptitude is a relative thing. When there’s a lot of something, you fully expect some of it to suck.

For every Kanye West out there there’s a Vanilla Ice. For every Pulp Fiction there’s a From Justin to Kelly. Everybody knows Kate Upton. Well remember that horse-faced, curly-haired banshee that pretended to be a human being on Sex and the City? Of course, you do, because she’s the reason you haven’t had a good night of sleep since 2008.

This phenomenon is expected when there are literally millions of musicians and movies. When you take a category and dwindle it down to a handful of the standouts, there shouldn’t be any more screw-ups, right? Right.

Which is why it’s hilarious that there are only eight elite basketball teams left in the playoffs competing for the coveted prize of an NBA championship, and one of the players is Vladimir Radmanovic.

You have superstar players like four-time MVP LeBron James and then a bunch of repugnant washouts littering the end of the bench like unflushed turds.

On that note, here are the five turdiest players left in the NBA playoffs:

5. Tracy McGrady – San Antonio Spurs, SG/SF

T-Mac hasn’t been remotely relevant since 2008, when he averaged 21.6 points per game on 42 percent shooting. In the past five years he’s been on five different teams (including the Qindao Eagles) and hasn’t averaged more than 10 points. He was done.

And then, like the hand of God, Gregg Popovich came and scooped him up for the playoffs, because apparently Spurs management looked around at their roster of walking dead and decided they totally needed some more veteran experience.

As you would expect, McGrady is completely useless on this team and will never play unless it’s a 20-point blowout or if the entire starting lineup gets vertigo from watching Steph Curry three pointers arc through the hoop ten times a game. So unless the Spurs are stashing him on the bench on the off chance someone invents a time machine in the next couple weeks, it’s completely pointless, right?

Actually, I have another theory. In 2004, McGrady scored 13 points in 35 seconds as a fireball shot of his ass. For a bygone All-Star who doesn’t have many memorable moments, it was his career defining performance.

Any guesses to who it was against? Yup. The Spurs.

Popovich, a man who displays less emotion during periods of extreme excitement than a blowup sex doll, was flabbergasted. Check out 4:35 of that video. Pop is just pointing at random things and muttering gibberish to himself. It’s like he’s still on coaching autopilot but the controls are completely fried.

There’s no doubt that the Spurs, and Pop in particular, remembered this. And I know we’ve all be saying it for about five years, but this really might be the Spurs last chance of a title during the Tim Duncan era. Manu Ginobili is already more bald spot than scorer and Duncan is closer to filing with the AARP than his prime. With the Heat on title mode cruise control and young teams in the West like the Thunder and Warriors on the rise, the Spurs days are numbered.

Pop knows this. And he remembers. Maybe he figures if they’re in a win-or-go home situation, down double digits, time running out, he has the man for the job. Maybe McGrady can do it again.

Anyway, this little sideshow was worth it for the sole reason that it gave us the most preposterous stat of the playoffs:

Despite T-Mac playing for 15 years, averaging over 20 points a game nine times, leading the league in scoring twice and making seven All-Stars appearances, this season – on a team that he doesn’t really even play on – was the first time he made it out of the first round of the playoffs.

4. Jarvis Varnado – Miami Heat, PF

Every single joke made in the last three months about Mani Te’o’s girlfriend can be made about the Miami Heat’s center, because they don’t have one. And the make-believe one they do have is eerily effeminate.

On paper, Chris Bosh has been the Heat’s starting center all season, but everyone knows he’s way better at photobombing people and doing the robot than he is at playing the post. Bosh averaged 6.8 rebounds a game this season. LeBron, technically a small forward, averaged 8.

They are by far the worst rebounding team in the NBA, and when you’re the worst at anything when the Charlotte Bobcats are still around, you probably should just pack your things up and take your talents to the unemployment line.

If only they had an insanely athletic 6-foot-10 power forward with the wingspan of a pterodactyl they could bring in to solidify their interior and scare small children.

Oh, wait, they do. His name’s Jarvis Varnado. He has arms made out of Stretch Armstrong’s blood and during his sophomore year at Mississippi State he blocked more shots than 304 Division 1 teams did.

And this guy was just chilling at the end of the bench while Joakim Noah and Jimmy Butler snagged 25 rebounds in Game 1. Varnado is the most prolific defensive force college basketball has seen since Shaquille O’Neal and he’s rendering exactly zero minutes a game for a team anchored by an iridescent ink monster with a Mohawk. How do you explain that?

I can’t, and I’m the guy who came up with the Tracy McGrady/time machine theory a dozen paragraphs ago. Which means this guy is effectively hopeless.

3. Daequan Cook – Chicago Bulls, SG

Somewhere between 2006 and today, Daequan Cook went from being one of the most promising young long range bombers in the world to a guy who apparently can’t comprehend the spatial restrictions of a basketball court.

As a member of the vaunted “Thad Five” recruiting class at Ohio State, Cook led the Buckeyes to the NCAA Championship game even though Greg Oden was off in Injuryville for half the season (he must have a timeshare there or something.) Cook averaged 10 points a game.

Then Cook got to the NBA and he forgot how to play basketball. It’s inexplicable, unless in the summer of 2007 he accidentally stumbled across a Men in Black crime scene involving a giant, malevolent cockroach from outer space and a cat, in which case Will Smith was forced to flashy-thing him out of his memory.

The bottom line is that Daequan Cook absolutely stinks now.

In Game 7 of the first round of the playoffs against Brooklyn, Cook gave us this impossible nugget of uselessness: In the span of about four possessions, he circled too far out on the perimeter looking for the ball, and when he got it passed to him he was out of bounds. Twice he did this. In about a two minute span. Then, in Game 2 against the Heat, he did it again.

So far in the playoffs he’s tallied one of the most miserable stat lines you’ll ever see: 36 minutes played, 4 assists, 3 rebounds, 1 steal, 6 fouls, 6 turnovers and 3 points on 1 of 10 shooting.

Aliens are real, guys. They have to be.

2. Tyler Hansbrough, Ben Hansbrough and Miles Plumlee – Indiana Pacers, F/G

Hell yes, I’m clumping these three doofuses (doofi?) into one, big, awkward Wonder Bread sandwich.

What we have here is perfect storm of hilarity. If such a thing as fate exists, it was in prime form when it decided to team the bug-eyed Hansbrough brothers with one of the 14 Plumlee good ol’ boys together and throw them on the most vanilla team in the universe. And, because fate is apparently the funniest of abstract concepts, it made them all uncoordinated and awful.

I’m not entirely sure what makes these guys so unlikeable. They just have those faces. Tyler has a perpetually wide-eyed, slack-jawed gaze that makes him look like he just crapped his pants and isn’t sure if he should cry or be proud of himself. Ben just looks like a guy who should always be wearing a backwards hat and listening to Dave Matthews. And Plumlee, well, this is what he looks like. You tell me if you want to punch him or not.

If they were good, none of that would matter. Players like JJ Redick have overcome the unfortunate problem of having really punchable faces by actually being good. But these three misfits? If you took any three players from any other team in the league and had had them play Plumlee and the Hansbrough brothers, the game would never end because six players that bad would never score 11 points.

Ben was picked up as an undrafted free agent, so frankly, his career arc has gone as expected. If he didn’t have a famous last name he’d still be playing for the Krka Novo Mesto Dicktuggers in Serbia. This video pretty much sums up his entire existence:

Plumlee, shockingly, was a first round pick. Only the Pacers could look at a goofy white guy who averaged 6.6 points his senior season and decide he’s first round material.

That leaves Psycho-T, aptly named because, like I said, he for sure has a log in his shorts during every game. Despite being a stud at North Carolina, it was obvious his skills (slow, can’t dribble, jump or shoot) wouldn’t translate well to the NBA. Yet the Pacers took one glance at this bow-legged spaz attack and decided to make him the 13^th pick in the draft. He’s averaged 4.3 rebounds and 5.5 points on 41 percent shooting in the playoffs.

So there you have it. Two first round picks and a former Big East Player of the Year have contributed what amounts to a poor 5-minute stretch of game time for Nate Robinson.

In short: I don’t think many franchises will be adapting the Indiana Pacers drafting philosophy any time soon.

1. Rip Hamilton – Chicago Bulls, SG

I have so many RIP jokes going through my head right now that I can’t from a coherent opening line, so let’s just delve right into this:

Why, on MJ’s shiny, bald head, is Rip Hamilton not playing right now? I get that he came out of his coffin for a bit in Game 4, but where has he been the past month?

This is a question that needs to be answered by someone, because it haunts my dreams. He’s not hurt. He’s not sick. I’m assuming he hasn’t absconded on the Millennium Falcon and left a holographic decoy to take his place on the bench.

So why hasn’t he been freaking playing? Has his plastic mask not come back from the cleaners or something?

Rip’s making five million dollars to start for the Bulls. Yeah, he’s been one constant string of injuries since he got here, but when he’s been healthy, he’s started. They’ve already been playing without Rose all year, and if you’ve watched this team the last few years you know he makes up 90 percent of their offense. Now Luol Deng and Kirk Hinrich are out and Chicago’s health bar is blinking. Heck, they could use the Hansbroughs right now.

I don’t get it. Maybe he slept with Thibs’ girlfriend. Maybe he punched his dog. Thibs said Hamilton needs to find his “rhythm”. Seriously? This guy has played in 128 playoffs games, I think he can figure it out. When you’re forced to play a second year guard for literally three straight games, one of which was spent getting run over by LeBron the Choo Choo Train, you think Thibs would forgive Rip for being a little rusty.

With everything going on with the Bulls, Rip has to have either wronged Thibs on a personal level or he died three weeks ago and there’s some Weekend at Bernies type shit going on here.

If so, RIP Rip. Ah, there it is.

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Shaq and Sir Charles tumultuous history

Matt the Intern — Tue, 14 May 2013 18:59:29 +0000

After seeing Charles Barkley attempt to tackle Shaq on Inside the NBA last week, I was reminded of their fight back in 1999. It’s crazy to think that these once foes are now Emmy award winning friends. Let’s look back at the history of Sir Charles and the Big Shaqtus.

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was 6 years old, Charles Barkley was on his victory lap in the NBA and Shaq and Kobe were still civil. Shaq takes umbrage with Charles cameo in Space Jam and lets his fists do the talking. Notice how Charles was able to do a life saving dodge of Shaq’s fist headed towards his face.

It’s amazing what 14 years can do to the human body. Charles Barkley went from being the round mound of rebound to just the round mound. Recently on TNT’s Inside the NBA, Sir Charles tried to tackle Shaq. Shaq immediately countered the move with a side swipe of Charles into the couch. Charles Barkley is 50 years to Shaq’s mere 41 years old. How very Nature Boy Ric Flair of them.

Although Charles has recently gained broadcasting praise, he seems to be losing athletic talent every year. If this pathetic attempt at a tackle is not evidence, maybe his golf swing will be convincing. I love Charles but this is bad.

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Smoking in the Dugout, Mask-less Goalies, and other things we miss in sports

Drew Grote — Tue, 14 May 2013 13:38:55 +0000

Aging sports purist love to constantly remind the younger generations of how things used to be and why they were better. It always starts with the same phrase, “In my day”.

Dad: “Son, in my day the bankboard was made of pure Pittsburgh steel. It took real touch to make it bounce the way you wanted.”

Son: “What the hell’s a bankboard?”

Spend enough time with one of these old tops and you’ll no doubt find yourself Googling “assisted living”. It doesn’t matter if he’s a hundred and three or fifty-two, it’s never too early. However, I’m here to tell you that some practices and traditions of the past need to be revisited and perhaps re-implemented.

Smoking in the dugout:

Because, what better way to celebrate an inning-ending double-play than with the refreshing, satisfying taste of a Pall Mall light. Nobody holds to the illusion that you have to be in tip-top shape to play baseball. Sure, it helps, but it’s certainly not required. A simple Google search of “fat baseball players” will quickly prove my point.

In this world of no smoking signs, I contend the baseball dugout should be the last bastion of smokers. When world-class curmudgeon Jim Leyland switched to Nicorette, an era ended. Let’s bring it back, boys!

Mask-less Hockey Goalies:

Hockey players are considered the toughest around. However, that image has taken a hit in the last few years, *cough, Sidney Crosby, cough*. What better way to take back the bad-ass mantel than for goalies to shed those bulky masks and go au-natural. Not only would it raise street cred, but it would single handily save the Canadian plastic surgery industry. “Sorry you broke your face, eh.”

Dressing up for games:

There was a time in our great country’s history when going to a professional or collegiate game was an event. The gents put on freshly pressed slacks, a tie, a vest, a jacket, laced up the ol’ wingtips and hopped on the subway to go root for the local squadron. To see just how far we’ve fallen, go catch a White Sox game on a random Sunday. Your eyes will be raped by a menagerie of camouflage cargo shorts, skull caps, Juicy pants, hooded sweatshirts and quadruple-XL jerseys.

Speaking of jerseys, can we implement a new rule? If the players name on your jersey isn’t on a flag surrounding the stadium or he isn’t currently on the team, please, for the love of god, leave the jersey at home or better yet, pony up the twenty-eight bucks for a new one. If I see one more Mark Buehrle or Magglio Ordonez jersey I’m gonna start stabbing. Probation be damned.

I contend that clothing worn at sporting events is a small glimpse into the general decay of society as a whole and would love to see sports play a lead role in reversing the sloppification of our country. My grandfather paid eight cents to see the Reds play in 1939 and wore a 3-piece suit. You’re paying 120 dollars, the least you can do is put on a pair of Dockers and a button-up shirt you sloppy bastard.

Who wears short shorts?

The answer is nobody. Before the Fab Five made baggy shorts popular, hoopsters wore the equivalent of daisy dukes on the court. I guess hot-boxing your junk made for a more comfortable gaming experience. To me, it’s not a basketball game if there isn’t a realistic threat of a testicle falling from a pair of shorts.

Speaking of that, why haven’t we ever heard a story about that happening? You know it did. Just once, I’d like to hear an old ballplayer reminisce about the time Bob Cousy played the entire 2nd half of game 3 of the 1957 NBA Championships with one testicle out of his shorts.

At first glance, this desire to bring back short shorts might seem a bit homoerotic, but if Michael Jordan, Larry Bird, Dr. J and every pasty IU point guard since 1912 can wear them, then so can LeBron.

I don’t know if putting Tim Duncan in shorts shorts or taking Jimmy Howard’s mask off is going to fundamentally improve their respective games. It probably won’t, but it would certainly make the game better for the fans. And ultimately, that’s what I’m into because my playing days are over and it won’t be my teeth sliding across the ice.

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The post Smoking in the Dugout, Mask-less Goalies, and other things we miss in sports appeared first on Bacon Sports.

Sports teams that need a name change

@Roblowesports — Mon, 13 May 2013 18:55:05 +0000

Every few years discussion of the Washington Redskins and should they change their name becomes an issue. Is the name racist? Yes. But it has been the name of one of the most historical franchises in NFL history for almost one hundred years and tradition is a hard thing to part with. While the Redskins’ name may not be going anywhere soon, that doesn’t mean there are not plenty of other teams that could also use a name change.

NBA

Sacramento Kings: What exactly are they the Kings of…losing? Any King in the 1600′s who was as bad as the Sacramento team has been the last few years would have been beheaded. Maybe at one time they lived up to the nickname but sometimes Kings lose it, just look at Elvis Presley. Near the end of his life when he was drugged out of his mind and had the body of Jamarcus Russell was he really deserving of his nickname of “King.” I didn’t think so.

Washington Wizards: Grown men who spend their time pretending to be Wizards, also have to pretend what having sex with a woman is like.

Orlando Magic: Grown men who spend their time doing magic tricks, also have to pretend what having sex with a woman is like.

Utah Jazz: When the Jazz played in New Orleans the team’s name was one of the best in the league. Jazz was popularized by many black musicians in the city in the early part of the 1900’s. This is the main reason still calling them the Jazz while playing in Utah doesn’t work as I’m pretty sure the only black people that live in Utah are the ones that play on the Jazz.

Los Angeles Lakers: Minnesota, where the Lakers originated, is the land of ten thousand lakes. The only lakes in Los Angeles are the ones made from the tears of rejected actresses whose new nose job didn’t land them the part they wanted.

MLB

Chicago White Sox: White socks are only worn by men in their 40’s and above. I bet you the only person on the White Sox that actually wears white socks when they are not playing is Robin Ventura.

Philadelphia Phillies: While I admit the name flows, it’s the whole concept behind the name that makes it a bad one. It is just a shortened version of the name of the city. Just think what would happen if other cities named their teams like this. We could end up with the Detroit Detroities, the New York Yorkies, the Atlanta Atlanties or the Denver Dennies.

Pittsburgh Pirates: Grown men who spend their time pretending to be Pirates, also have to pretend what having sex with a woman is like. That is of course unless they are those Somali Pirates that take giant oil tankers hostage. In that case they are pretty badass and probably have no problem getting women.

Cleveland Indians: As long as the Redskins nickname exists, the Indians will not have to worry about getting too much heat for their name. But it begs the question, how have the PC police not gotten the team name changed to the Cleveland Native Americans?

NHL

New Jersey Devils: While I don’t have a problem with the team being named after the Devil, how much better would it be if they were named the New Jersey Gods. That sounds like the name of a team that has never lost, ever.

Anaheim Ducks: Without the word Mighty in front of it, Ducks is just not an intimidating nickname. No one is afraid of ducks, especially ones that aren’t mighty. When people think of ducks, they think of young kids feeding bread to them as their grandparents sit on and watch, not the most intimating image. Somewhere Charlie Conway and Adam Banks are not happy about this.

NFL

Every team name in the NFL for the most part is pretty good. Well, except for the Redskins, that name is racist as shit.

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Happy Birthday to Dennis Rodman, Mike Martz, and Bobby Valentine

Matt Glamkowski — Mon, 13 May 2013 18:22:48 +0000

The sports birthdays for May 13th include boxing great Joe Louis, Mike Martz, who gave us the greatest show on turf and tried his best to make Jay Cutler a good quarterback, Barry Zito, the $126 million dollar man which at the time of the contract was the richest for a pitcher, and Bobby Valentine. I hope Bobby is celebrating in Japan, the only place he has been successful lately. Did he really think he could turn the Red Sox around with his tough approach? Godzilla please.

But lets really celebrate the birthday of a man unlike any other, Dennis Rodman. The NBA rebounding stud who won 5 titles over the course of his career, wore a wedding dress, played just the tip with Carmen Electra and changed the color of his hair more often than Adam Dunn strikes out.

Dennis has recently become a BFF of North Korean dictator Kim-Jung un, which makes less sense than the Islanders signing Rick DiPietro to a 15 year contract. The oppressive dictator of North Korea has welcomed Dennis with open arms so to commemorate the Worm’s birthday and ability to keep up with foreign relations here’s a video of him and Karl Malone getting into a skirmish during the 1998 NBA Finals.

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