‘Tis the season for green jackets! Well, unless you’re in the fashion world, in which case it’s never the season for green jackets. But I digress. We’re in the thick of things down in Augusta, where Bill Haas is clinging on to a one stroke lead tighter than Manny Ramirez can cling on to relevance. Can somebody please tell our boy to stay retired already? Every year as I turn on The Masters, watch a few holes, inevitably take a little cat nap and wake up just in time to see someone get jacketed (not a word, but whatever), I think to myself, “how cool would The Masters be if Happy Gilmore were a real golfer?” Well, here is what I usually come up with.
If Happy Gilmore were a real golfer, Subway would be the number one sponsor of The Masters. Much to the horror of the good ol’ boys who belong to Augusta National, there would be $5 footlongs for sale at every hole. Hell, even Jared would make an appearance. That is, if they let him in. Not sure he’s white enough to make the cut at Augusta.
If Happy got a chance to play at The Masters, fans would do the wave on the 18th green, driving Sergio Garcia to a nervous breakdown. As if his game weren’t enough of a roller coaster, the up and down motion of the crowd would cause motion sickness, eventually leading him to putt the ball backwards. Tiger Woods would be caught laughing on the set of Lindsey Vonn’s next Under Armour commercial.
The bathroom lines would resemble something you’d see at a music festival if Happy Gilmore were the main attraction at Augusta. Hippies, burnouts, mulleted Canadian hockey fans and misplaced NASCAR fiends would line the forest, waiting to relieve themselves of the numerous Bud heavies they just consumed. It’s said that Bud Light Platinum would be in the running for official beverage of The Masters in 2015 if Gilmore were to win. The bros would cheer him on with fist pumps and “Top Gun” high fives!
War paint would happen if Happy Gilmore played at The Masters.
Play would be stopped approximately every seven holes for a musical interlude if Happy Gilmore graced Augusta with his presence. Artists in the running for impromptu live performances include but are not limited to: Styx, Lynyrd Skynyrd, ELO and Culture Club. Audience participation would be mandated. Even Shooter McGavin would sing a tune or two! Or maybe he’d just eat some hay, make things out of clay, lay by the bay, you know, Shooter McGavin stuff.
Miss Lippy’s car would be green. Yes, I know that’s what would happen if Billy Madison were a golfer, but this is my daydream, and that’s how I see it!
Clowns would be banned from every mini golf course in the United States of America due to their distracting nature, as well as their tendency to elicit violent reactions from patrons when they spit out perfectly good putts. “You’re gonna die, clown!”
And finally, if Happy Gilmore were really a professional golfer, no one would ever take a nap during The Masters. It would be a Super Bowl-esque extravaganza of awesomeness, akin to the Bacon, Sports and Beer Celebration.
I want to live in a world where Happy Gilmore is on the PGA tour. Someday, maybe. Until then, I’ll just have to continue cheering for Adam Scott for no reason other than he’s the best looking golfer out there and has an Australian accent. G’day, mates!
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