A Letter to Johnny Manziel from the Future Johnny Manziel
Breaking news: Johnny Manziel likes to hang with celebrities. Oh, snap, you already knew that. By now we’ve all seen Mrs. Heisman’s latest epic selfie with the Biebs, Tyson Beckford and Floyd “Money” Mayweather, thanks to an eruption in the Twittersphere. With all this attention, though, I can’t help but wonder, how will Johnny Football feel about his shenanigans in 40 or 50 years when he’s Johnny Nursing Home? Well, if the future Johnny Manziel could write a letter to his current self, I bet it would go something like this:
Dear Johnny Football,
Bro, you did the damn thang! I mean, seriously, from epic wins, to Vegas pool parties with Gronk, to legendary parties at Chez Bieber, you accomplished all of the goals you set for yourself and even played a little football along the way! I solute you, former self.
Remember that time you invented the “show me the money” touchdown dance? One word: EPIC. Like, that could’ve been anyone else, but it was you. And people totally got mad at you for it. What was that about? If Rod Tidwell can get away with it stuff like that, why can’t you? Haters gonna hate, bro, but you stuck with it. Kudos.
Oh, and then there was that sick summer when you kicked it with Bron-Bron and every other celebrity under the sun at every swanky club and country music festival in the English-speaking world. Classic. Nobody knew it at the time, but you challenged LeBron to a game of basketball and then made him play in a shirt while you played in a blouse. Wait, that might have been Prince, but you get the picture. ‘Twas the stuff of legend, son. People couldn’t get enough of those Twitter pics then, and you’ll be proud to know you have the most followers of anyone at the Nursing Home for Former Professional Athletes. You passed the artist formerly known as Ochocinco like a decade ago. Oh, and he goes by Chad again, FYI.
Side note: remember to tell Gronk that you know he was the one who put those laxatives in your Rumchata shot in Vegas. He broke your heart.
Remember to reflect on the truly #blessed days in your life, like that time you met the Biebs and partied at his mansion. That was a truly life-defining moment that led to everything great that you ever accomplished. You and “Money” Mayweather talked smart investing, which directly led to some of the best financial decisions of your life. And who could forget your walk-off with Tyson Beckford to the sweet sounds of Right Said Fred’s masterpiece, “I’m Too Sexy.” Indeed, you are, Johnny. Indeed you are. And that mesh shirt looked great, I might add.
Yeah, it’s been a great life. Like those ancient Chinese tats that all those frat boys have on their shoulders say, “No Regrets.” Not even playing for the Browns. Well, kinda regret playing for the Browns, but look at it this way, would any other franchise have tolerated you leaving Cleveland every weekend to get blacked out with celebs and the occasional pop star? I think not! If you haven’t already, you should probably send them a gift basket of autographed Johnny Football swag or something. Just a suggestion. Gotta keep it classy, dude.
Your awesome future self
P.S. I’m getting so much tail in this old folks home, it’s not even funny. I think I’m gonna get after Misty May and Kerri Walsh this week. Like fine wines, those chicks get better with age. Spike that!