Lollapalooza is this weekend, which is the random jersey Olympics where hoopsters go HAM. If you are a hoopster and want to peacock those feathers then this is the place to do it. Leave those LeBron James and Carmelo Anthony jerseys at home because that’s weak sauce holmes. You best be stepping with a Tom Gugliotta Timberwolves or Bobby Jackson Kings jersey if you want to hang.
Last year we covered Lollapalooza and were impressed with the quality. Here’s a video showing the best jerseys from 2012.
The bar has been raised so what was tight last year is now as valuable as a Gregg Jefferies Future Stars card. Step yo game up!
To help get you pumped I have put together the 5 levels of hoopsters jerseys that you’ll see at Lollapalloza.
Level 1: Noob Hoopsters
Noobs are new to the hoopster game and rock some of the most common and oft seen jerseys. These include the likes of Muggsy Bogues, Penny Hardaway, and Grandmama to name a few. Each of those players were awesome and memorable but everyone already knows that. It’s like in Office Space when Joanna only wore the minimum number pieces of flare and didn’t go all out like pretty boy Brian. This is Joanna only wearing 15 pieces of flair.
If a Noob wore a Muggsy Bogues jersey to Lollapalooza 2013 he could upgrade to a different level this year by doing something like rocking a Darius Miles Cavs jersey.
By the way, there’s nothing wrong with Noobs. They are just like having sex early on in your career. At first you might last shorter than it takes to make a hot pocket but at least you are still getting laid.
Level 2: Be Like Mike Hoopsters
These hoopsters listened to MJ’s Gatorade commercial on repeat,
like to gamble play basketball with their tongue hanging out, and definitely still want to be like Mike. Who can blame them? Michael Jordan is still as awesome as boobs.
In order to stand out while rocking an MJ jersey you need to dig deep. Rocking the 4-5 is old news and while it’ll still get you some dap, it ain’t gonna be turning many heads. Look to old All-Star games and find a jersey that looks like it could have been a promotion for Ponderosa back in the day. That’s the only way you are going to be able to rock one without having someone else in one as well (and even then with MJ jerseys that’s no guarantee. He’s too popular).
Level 3: U-S-A Hoopsters
On a warm summer day in Chicago what better way to show your never ending love for the red, white and blue while still keeping it hoopster then by rocking a Team USA jersey. The tough thing about rocking a Team USA jersey is that all of the players are Superstars.
The key to being a crafty hoopster is to choose a player that was probably one of the last selections on the team or isn’t thought of as an all world Superstar (like Magic, Larry, and MJ were). That means you should be looking for a Tayshaun Prince, Michael Redd, Carlos Boozer (2x Olympian. Let that marinade for a second), Richard Jefferson, Vin Baker, or Allan Houston jersey.
Level 4: Hoopster Hoopsters
This type of hoopster gets what the game is about. They come hard in the paint with who they are rocking, they are gonna get tons of dap from other knowledgable hoopsters because of the uniqueness of their jersey, and you aren’t likely to see anyone else rocking what they’ve got. These players are typically known but by no means superstars. The key to a good hoopster jersey is that the player can only be a certain level of good but also a certain level of bad (if you need a refresher course on this then check out our Hoopster Manifesto). If the player is too bad then the jersey is likely to move up in status to the fifth level.
Some of my favorite hoopster hoopster jerseys are Stacey Augmon Hawks, anything Sebastian Telfair (which is where Noobs should look if they are looking to step their game up with someone that’s from a younger generation), and Craig Ehlo Cavs.
Random side note: Shawn Kemp jerseys do not fit in this category but they also don’t fit in the Noob category either. The Reign Man was so amazing in his Seattle playing days and had such a roller coaster everywhere else that he is sort of his own category. He’s cool and a train wreck at the same time.
Level 5: If I were a hipster I’d bring a typewriter to Starbucks Hoopsters
These hoopsters are the extremists and want to out hoopster the hoopster hoopsters. It’s not unfathomable to see someone else rocking a Rony Seikaly Miami Heat jersey. Not likely, but still, there’s a chance. There is a zero percent chance you’ll see someone else rocking a Gary Trent Trail Blazers, Malik Sealy Pistons, Ed O’Bannon Nets, Dan Dickau Hawks, or Cherokee Parks Mavs jersey. This is where you use your deep and degenerative sports knowledge to really show everyone what you are made of.
Last week I saw a Fred Hoiberg Pacers jersey on eBay and I would have snagged it had it not been 3 sizes too big (my max is 2 sizes otherwise I start looking like Tim Thomas at the NBA Draft). I’ve also been on the lookout for a Walt Williams jersey (yes, the Wizard). That shows where my head is at as a level 5 hoopster.
We’ll be going to all three days of Lollapalooza so look for us rocking a level 5 jersey. If you see us stop and say what’s up. If you see any random jerseys at Lolla or on the street make sure to tweet us @BaconSports and use #randomjersey or email us at [email protected].