Building a 90s Boy Band out of NFL Quarterbacks
We’ve all thought about it. C’mon, admit it, you’ve lost sleep over the age-old question: if you could build a 90s boy band out of NFL QBs, who would fulfill each token role? Well, that question is about to be answered. You’re welcome. So, without further ado, let our QB boy band fantasy draft begin!
Pick #1: The Poster Boy
Every boy band has one – that oh-so-dreamy teenager with the puppy dog eyes and questionable coif. You know, the Justin Timberlake/Nick Carter-type dude. Sure, he has a nice voice, sure he’s got MC Hammer-style moves, but is there really much substance hiding behind those flowing locks and that winning smile? I think we all know the answer to that question.
After scouring the NFL for the top poster boy QBs, one individual trumped the competition – the one we call Sanchize, Mr. Mark Sanchez himself. A standout at USC, Sanchez was drafted by the Jets as much for his camera-ready appearance and vaguely ethnic background as his strong arm and winning ways. He was a multi-cultural beacon of hope for a franchise that was still trying to burn the images of Brett Favre’s dick-pics from its retina. Hell, the guy even got the Jets to the AFC championship his first two years in the league!
Then, trouble set in for the man with the Mexican flag mouth guard. After years of throwing lawn darts to a wide open Santonio Holmes, a certain distraction with an arm motion rivaling that of Byron Leftwich challenged Sanchez for the starting role. He who shall not be named (Tim Tebow) of course was laughed out of New York by the 2013 season, but the damage had been done for the Sanchize . After an embarrassing 2012 campaign (butt fumble, anyone?) and a shoulder injury the following preseason, Sanchez was officially sidelined in favor of another prima donna in the making, Geno Smith. Tough break, Marky- Mark.
But the similarities here cannot be denied. Laugh-inducing hairdo: check. Marginal talent: check. Teenage girlfriends: double check. Mark Sanchez is definitely the poster boy in our 90s boy band.
Pick #2: The Bad Boy
Sunglasses, tattoos, hair dye, oh my! He’s everything your mother dreads in a man, yet you’re oddly infatuated with him. His slightly feminine wardrobe doesn’t bother you a bit; you love the boy band rebel. Donnie Wahlberg invented the look, AJ McLean refined it, and we got a guy who fits right in: Colin Kaepernick.
With more tattoos than an episode of “LA Ink,” Kaepernick looks more like a gang member than a starting NFL QB, but that’s exactly what makes him our boy band baddie. His unorthodox play and inexplicable throwing motion are icing on the cake in his bid to be the rebel in the NFL’s version of the Backstreet Boys. Wait, are they going by BSB now? I don’t even know. Bonus points for his 6-pack!
Honorable mention: Terrelle Pryor. Sure, he hasn’t been in the league that long, but Pryor racked up the rebellious reputation in his college days, driving around that hot little Nissan, which was, err, a gift? Pryor being dumb enough to drive said car in the midst of the scandal only helps his case, given boy band members aren’t really known for their brains.
Pick #3: The Protective Older Brother
Let’s just cut to the chase, Peyton Manning. There, I said it. You know you were thinking it, too. I know, I know, Peyton has to have a better role than the protective older bro, but really, I think his predictability and reliability earn him this role. As great as those 7 touchdowns were in week 1, that kind of performance is almost expected from a man who’s experienced the kind of success and consistency throughout his 16 seasons that Ryan Leaf once dreamed about.
Predictability aside, Manning is the quintessential older brother type, and I’m not just saying this because he literally has a younger brother in the league, with whom he does sensational Oreo and DirecTV commercials in his spare time. I mean, can you think of a better way to spend 5 minutes than watching two Louisiana boys in awful wigs rap about football on your phone? Yeah, didn’t think so. Peyton was born to be in a boy band, and his history of awesomeness in the pop culture realm proves that.
Pick #4: The Filler
Being arguably the most boring role to play in any boy band, we won’t waste much time with this one. Need a guy who doesn’t do much of anything but consistently wins? Insert Matt Schaub, game manager extraordinaire. The thing about Matt is, there’s nothing that really sets him apart in this league. He’s got a decent arm, but it’s nothing special, he’s not particularly nimble on his feet, and he lacks the flare for the dramatic that we love about the Ben Roethlisberger’s and Philip Rivers of the league. Matt Schaub wins (or at least did before this season), but there’s nothing stylish about it. For that, he is our boring boy band filler, a la Lance Bass or Howie D. Who? Our thoughts exactly.
Pick #5: The Talent
This was by far the most difficult pick to decide on, not just because this man is the centerpiece of the boy band, but because there is genuinely so much talent in the National Football League. You have your dual-threat QBs – RGIII & Mike Vick – and then you have your good old-fashioned gun slingers like Tony Romo. Choosing just one is like picking your favorite Rolling Stones song; it simply can’t be done. Based on all the criteria against which you could base a QB ranking – arm strength, accuracy, elusiveness, etc., – I came up with one I’m comfortable with: Aaron Rodgers.
Love him or hate him, there’s no denying Rodgers is one of the best in the game, if not the best. With a great deep ball, pinpoint accuracy on the short and midrange passes, and just enough speed to evade some of the elite pass rushers in the league, Aaron has the chops to be our coveted talented boy band member. He is the JC Chasez/Nick Lachey of our QB boy band, and I stand firmly by this pick. And if you try to argue with it, I’ll unleash Clay Matthews upon you, and nobody wants to see that.
Now, I know what you must be thinking right now…”where is Pretty Boy Brady?” After much deliberation, it has been determined that Tom Brady is simply too good to be in a boy band. He went solo years ago, George Michael post-Wham-style. If this young season is any indication, he can go it alone.
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