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Philip Rivers Kicks Football. What a freaking idiot

philips-rivers-kicks-footballIf you didn’t see the ending of the Sunday’s matchup between the San Diego Chargers vs. the Tennessee Titans game then you missed the play that has defined Philip Rivers’ career as an NFL quarterback.

I don’t care how many passing yards or touchdowns he’s thrown and I don’t care about how many Super Bowls he will win. Haha. If he wins a Super Bowl with the Chargers, I will get a lightning bolt and the # 17 shaved on my head.

The play I’m referring to is when San Diego, on their last play, tried to imitate the Music City Miracle. It was a short pass, then an onslaught of laterals that ended with Philip Rivers kicking a loose ball before a Titans defender could recover it. The only thing missing was Benny Hill theme music. The kick is a penalty, meaning the play and game was over.

Rivers surely knew, or at least he should have, that kicking the ball is a penalty and will stop the current play. Rivers should have let the Titan’s defender recover the ball, because as a Titans fan, there was a better chance of the Titans defender fumbling the ball instead of scoring a touchdown. Trust me on this. Rivers instead chose to look like an idiot kicking a live ball. This reason alone is why I have always questioned his decision-making.

I’ve come up with a list of smarter things Rivers could have done instead of looking like an absolute moron. Hard to do, but they’re just suggestions.

1. Block somebody. I know that you think you’re the playmaker of the team, but what good is a lateral to you? You’re about as fast as a senior citizen writing a check for lottery tickets in a gas station. Get down field and block someone.

2. During the timeout before the last play, tell your coach just to let you take a shot to throw the ball to the end zone. I know you probably would have thrown an interception, but at least you wouldn’t have looked like Seth from Superbad kicking a soccer ball in the bleachers during a gym class game because you were excited that a chick asked you to buy alcohol for them.

3. At least attempt to grab the ball. Were you afraid of breaking a nail? What color thong do you wear?

4. Do jumping jacks at midfield. That still wouldn’t have looked as silly as kicking the ball.

5. Request to be traded to the Giants last week. The only person that looks sillier than you this year is Eli Manning.







John Upton

John Upton

John Upton is a stand up comic from Tazewell, TN. He has performed with Harland Williams, Brian Posehn, Guy Torry, Tammy Pescatelli, and many more. You can catch him on stage or at the bar watching sports at Side Splitters Comedy Club in Knoxville, TN.
John Upton


Father to a daughter. Ric Flair, Tennessee Vols football, and Jesus enthusiast. Ping pong ninja. Championship belt holder.
John Upton


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