Rules of sports smack talk
After the final regular season games of the NFL season, I couldn’t help but notice my Facebook explode with Packers fans trying to talk smack to Bears fans because the Bears would not be in the playoffs. For those of you that forget, the Bears were eliminated because the Packers lost. Something about that made my brain hurt.
Sure the loss kept the Bears out, but it also cost the Packers the 2 spot in the playoffs (which is cool because the Packers have been really healthy this year so a week off couldn’t possibly have been helpful).
Clearly, things have gotten out of hand in the world of good old fashions sports smack talk. Someone needs to step in and regulate this silliness. So, I give you:
The Rules of Sports Smack Talk
- What have you done for me lately – You may love your team’s history, but no one else does. Don’t bother bringing up anything that happened before you were born, before you were a fan, or before the Reagan Administration. Even the Cubs won championships at one point. The only thing that matters is what the teams have done lately.
- Stick to the point – Don’t bring up anything that is not related to the team you are talking smack about or the game being played. Leave out discussions of better stadiums, attendance, or hotness of fans. Sure, you can argue about those things, but it isn’t really Sports Smack Talk. If you do bring them up while engaging in Sports Smack Talk, it pretty much just proves that you have nothing of value to say. Besides, I am sure a college football fan could care less if your school is a better academic institution while his team is putting 529 yards of offense up on your team (too soon?).
- Don’t be a hater – Don’t talk smack just for the sake of it. If you don’t dislike the team you’re talking smack about and don’t care about the game being played, don’t bother. It is still technically Sports Smack Talk to do so, but it just kind of makes you a jerk. Do you want that?
EXCEPTION: It is always acceptable to talk smack about the Yankees, Duke, and Lebron James.
- Don’t talk smack if your team sucks – Just a bad idea.
NOTE: If you’re a fan of the Pittsburg Pirates, Cleveland Browns, New York Islanders, or Charlotte Bobcats, you are hereby banned from any smack talking for the foreseeable future.
- Know when you’ve had enough – If allowed to live its natural life cycle, Sports Smack Talk usually ends one of two ways: drunk people screaming at each other, or drunk people fighting. Don’t let this happen to you, and if you do try to make it the first option. Just to be safe, do not let smack talk get heated unless you think you have a reasonable chance of taking down the person you’re talking smack to.
I know that none of these rules directly address my issue of the Packer fans, so I will end with this piece of advice: Don’t talk smack about something bad your team did, even if it hurts the other team too. If you do, and say it to the wrong person (say someone that writes for a sports website), you might get shown how truly foolish you are.
Good luck with your future smack talking.
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