In a weekly football tradition, ESPN’s Chris Berman will do his Two-Minute Drill the Friday before the Super Bowl. Sadly, the world stopped for Berman at around 1983. He still thinks it is 1983 when John Elway was a promising young talent at Stanford, the Kansas City Royals were good, people knew who Howard Cosell was, and The Eagles were still a semi-modern band.
Every year Berman keeps weaving these references and clips of his own history into The Drill. It is predictable, it is annoying, it alienates everyone watching under the age of 40, and it is never going away. In fact, Bacon Sports will predict Berman’s triple-chin-wiggling monologue in MAD LIBS FORMAT.
For each number below write down something corresponding to the category. We recommend that you actually write down your Mad Libs answers instead of just attempting to remember them in your head to get maximum enjoyment out of this. No way your pot and Natty Light infused brain still has the ability to remember 17 random things.
- Food item
- Animal noises
- Name of a quarterback that stopped playing football before you were born
- Different animal noise
- Last name of quarterback in #3
- Coach that is now dead
- Coach that dead coach coached
- A word that ends in “-tion” (ex. dedication)
- A year before you were born
- A famous football figure from before you were born.
- Team of #10
- Team that always seems to lose
- Year before your were born
- Team you freaking hate!
- Band/singer that is still around, but hasn’t been relevant since before 1983.
- Really hard score to get in a football game
- Different really hard score to get in a football game
(Just after removing a(n) #1 from his throat, Chris Berman #2′s at the camera) HELLO, and WELCOME to the SUPER BOWL edition of the Two-Minute Drill where we will break down the game between the San Francisco 49ers and the Baltimore RAAAAAAAAAAA-VENS. (clip of Berman: on the field that time a fan ran in front of the camera and Berman glared at him).
First, let’s take a look at the two teams…(clip of Berman: in Winslow, Arizona with a girl on a flatbed Ford slowing down). Baltimore features a quarterback in Joe Flacco, who reminds everyone exactly like a young #3, when he played for #4. #5 threw for 274 yards, and 2 touchdown’s over #6 and the #7. And let’s not forget about Ray Lewis, who everyone has completely forgotten that he most-likely killed someone. Ray will be a(n) #8 to the rest of the team as this will be his last game.
The Niners features Colin Kaepernick, a quarterback who’s going through a major test. Kinda like this quarterback who went through a major test, check out this highlight from DA SHWAM… (clip of Berman: proving his has no athletic ability at all while he catches a pass from Doug Williams while his mullet is flapping in the breeze). Time for a history lesson…. Back in #9, #10, famously said “if you score more points than the other team, you’ll win football games.” Those words proved true as, #11 once beat #12, 38 to 17. Defensively, the Niners offer the best defense since the #13 #14.
Alicia Keys is doing the national anthem. DA SHWAM was really hoping the NFL would have picked #15.
As for the Saturday before the Super Bowl, can you guess what DA SHWAM will be doing? (Clip of fat-ass Berman: making a 6-foot putt and acting like it was to win The Masters).
Let’s get to the prediction… You know who else made a famous prediction? THIS GUY! (clip of Joe Namath jogging of the field with a finger in the air, from a Super Bowl from before you were born).
Final Score… Baltimore (extending throat-clearing noise) #16; Bill Walsh, Joe Montana and The San Francisco 49ers #17.
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