The NBA Playoffs Decided by Celebrities
The NBA has never been a league known for parody. Realistically each year, only three to five teams have a legitimate shot at winning the NBA championship. This makes the outcome to many of the playoff series very predictable and can lead to some less than exciting basketball. So how could the NBA playoffs be more exciting? Well, what if the current biggest celebrities from each city represented in the playoffs played two on two to decided the NBA championship?
The Rules: The games would be played with twos and threes up to 21 and would be refereed by someone not hired by David Stern.
Western Conference: First Round
Oklahoma City versus Houston: Brad Pitt and Chuck Norris versus Beyonce and The Undertaker
Though it may be hard to believe, Oklahoma City is not a hotbed for major celebrities, so to give the team a chance, the whole state was put in play to field the team. They ended up with quite the team, as Brad Pitt and Chuck Norris teamed up. Their opponents might be one of the strangest pairings in the group, as megastar Beyonce teams with WWE legend the Undertaker. While it may seem unfair that Houston has a girl on the team that doesn’t prove to be the case, as Mrs. Jay-Z uses her bootylicious body to go to work on Pitt on the low block. Houston continues to work it to Beyonce down low and gets off to a quick 10-0 advantage. This ends once OKC gets the ball on offense. Chuck Norris hits seven straight three pointers all while blindfolded with one arm tied behind his back. Oklahoma City advances to the next round.
Los Angeles (1) versus Memphis: Jonah Hill and Nic Cage versus Justin Timberlake and Juicy J
A classic battle of actors verses musicians turns out to be a one-sided affair. Things didn’t look good for L.A. from the beginning, as the up again, down again, up again, down again Jonah Hill showed up in sweats, eating KFC. Fat Jonah looked gassed from the start even with the game only being half-court. The Memphis team on the other hand was firing on all cylinders. Timberlake and Juicy J have collaborated on songs before and you could see the chemistry on the court. Juicy J even got some of his favorite strippers to show up and be the team’s cheerleaders. This was a particular distraction for Mr.Cage. In the end, it wasn’t even close, as Memphis ran away with it 21 to 4.
San Antonio versus Los Angeles (2): Tommy Lee Jones and Eva Longoria versus Dr.Dre and Snoop Dogg
None of the competitors in this matchup are from the actual cities but as they say, close enough counts in horseshoes, hand grenades and picking celebrity two-on-two basketball teams. This matchup seemed like it was going to be another no contest as L.A. was the clear favorites. But Longoria must have picked up something from her ex-husband, San Antonio Spurs all-star Tony Parker, as she was draining shots early. Snoop and Dre were also slowed by the fact that they were extremely high. At one point they called a timeout and then proceeded to take bong rips in the huddle. They should of lost, but lets face it, Tommy Lee Jones is a little past his prime, especially when he does not have Will Smith to carry his team. Dre and Snoop were eventually able to pull it out 22 to 12.
Denver versus Golden State (Oakland): Tim Allen and Dog the Bounty Hunter versus M.C. Hammer and Billie Joe Armstrong
This game was hampered by a distracted Dog the Bounty Hunter. The whole game he couldn’t decide if he was there to arrest the black guy, or the white guy with all the tattoos. In the end, this combined with the fact that Tim Allen is talentless, led to an easy victory for the Oakland Team, 21 to 7.
Eastern Conference First Round:
Miami verse Milwaukee: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Rick Ross versus Heather Graham and Bud Selig (Yes, this is the best team Milwaukee has to offer, deal with it)
As you can tell from the pairings, this matchup was not much of a contest. Even Rick Ross, who makes Jamarcus Russell look like LeBron James, was able to score a few baskets. Milwaukee did avoid the shutout when Graham flashed Ross and The Rock allowing Selig to score the easy layup. That wasn’t enough, as they lost 22 to 2.
Brooklyn versus Chicago: Jay-Z and Spike Lee versus Kanye West and Harrison Ford
This matchup features BFF’s Jay-Z and Kanye facing off against one another to decide who should watch the throne. Team Chicago took an early lead as Ford showed off the hand-eye coordination he got from battling with light sabers in Star Wars, dishing precession passes to West. The game took a turn for team Brooklyn when, out of nowhere, Jay-Z blurted out “Beyonce can’t stand Kim (Kardashian, West’s baby mama and amateur porn star).” This stunned West and the Chicago team wasn’t able to comeback, losing 21 to 15.
New York versus Boston: Robert Dinero and P.Diddy versus Matt Damon and Ben Affleck
New York struck early, as Dinero was playing like that one old guy at the YMCA who always throws elbows after every rebound but no one says any thing because they are afraid of him. This allowed P.Diddy to hit from the outside. He added insult to injury by saying “take that, take that,” after every shot. Damon and Affleck couldn’t be kept in check for long though, they just had to much chemistry. It’s like one night they drank too much Sam Adams and woke up the next morning in the same bed, thats how well they know each other. Diddy didn’t help New York’s cause either by spending half the game trying to convince Affleck to product place Ciroc in all his movies. Boston was able to squeak out the win 21 to 18.
Indiana versus Atlanta: David Letterman and Adam Lambert versus Chris Tucker and 2Chainz
Surprisingly, Indiana was almost able to steal this game. With Lambert setting “fruity picks” and Letterman playing with passion, as if Jay Leno was on the other team, they got out to an early lead. But, 2Chainz, who played college basketball, proved to be 2much, and Atlanta won 21 to 14.
Western Conference: Second Round
Oklahoma City versus Memphis: Brad Pitt and Chuck Norris verse Justin Timberlake and Juicy J
Oklahoma City got the ball first. Boom, seven straight Chuck Norris three pointers. Game Over.
Los Angeles (2) versus Golden State (Oakland): Snoop and Dr.Dre versus M.C. Hammer and Billie Joe Armstrong
Once again, Snoop and Dre, showed up chroniced out of their minds. Half way through the game, they even asked if they could make a quick Taco Bell run. Oakland, also had their problems. M.C. Hammer keep asking Dre if he could be on his long delayed album, “Detox,” while Armstrong kept crying about how it was unfair Justin Bieber is more popular than he is. Oakland had the lead early, but Snoop and Dre had too much chemistry and were able to pick up the win 21-13.
Eastern Conference: Second Round
Miami versus Brooklyn: The Rock and Rick Ross versus Jay-Z and Spike Lee
Miami dominated this one from that start. Jay-Z may be a better rapper than Ross but the Boss used his bulk inside, posting up Mr.Beyonce for bucket after bucket. Lee spent most of the game cheering Jay-Z on, forgetting he was actually playing. Miami cruised 22 to 10.
Boston versus Atlanta: Matt Damon and Ben Affleck verse Chris Tucker and 2Chainz
Atlanta had this game won, in the bag, wrapped up, but then it happened. Chainz was driving down the lane for the winning bucket when Damon accidentally got his hand caught in one of his chains. The chain snapped in two and went flying across the court as 2Chainz looked on in horror. Now, playing with only one chain, it was like he was a superhero who just had all his powers taken away, and he could not hit a shot. This allowed Boston to comeback and win a nail-bitter 21 to 19.
Western Conference Finals:
Oklahoma City versus Los Angeles (2): Brad Pitt and Chuck Norris versus Snoop Dogg and Dr.Dre
This had all the potential to be a great game, but then Dre and Snoop got high. So high in fact that they forgot they had a game and didn’t even show up. Oklahoma City won by D.Q. and headed to the Finals.
Eastern Conference Finals: Miami versus Boston: The Rock and Rick Ross versus Ben Affleck and Matt Damon
This turned out to be a rematch of last year’s Eastern Conference finals in which the Heat beat Boston. Different year, different players, same result. The Rock was just too much for Boston to handle. Somewhere in-between starring in every action movie that comes out and wrestling, he was able to perfect his jump shot. He hit early and often as Miami was able to win 21 to 12 and advance to the NBA finals.
NBA Finals: Miami versus Oklahoma City: The Rock and Rick Ross versus Brad Pitt and Chuck Norris
A rematch of last year’s NBA finals, with Miami looking to repeat and OKC trying to avenge their loss. Miami got off to a fast start as Ross was able to get some early buckets inside over Pitt. Once Miami missed though they were in trouble. Once again, Norris couldn’t be stopped, hitting five straight threes, and looking like he was going to carry Oklahoma City to another win. Then the critical turning point in the game took place. While fighting for a loose ball, Ross accidentally bumped into the ref knocking him to the ground. With the ref knocked out, the Rock delivered a “rock bottom” to Chuck Norris, allowing Miami to get the ball back. Miami would go on to score the last eleven points on their way to their second straight NBA championship. So there you have it NBA fans, even if celebrities played the NBA playoffs instead of the players, Miami is still going to win the championship, so deal with it.
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