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The Stanley Cup Playoffs: My Hiatus from Life

stanley-cup-homeFrom late April to late June I take a sabbatical from life, my own personal hiatus. It’s called the Stanley Cup playoffs. When I’m watching two to three hockey games a night, some things need to take a back burner.

Work:

With three West Coast series in the first round it’s guaranteed that I won’t be getting to bed before midnight most nights. Add in a T-Bell run after watching all those Dell Taco commercials and there’s no way I’m getting 8 hours. Chances are I’ll be rolling into work around 9 am Pacific time even though I live in Chicago. Until after the Stanley Cup Finals my bosses won’t be seeing a lot of cover sheets on my TPS reports.

Sexy-time:

Monopolizing the television and refusing to leave the house for two months doesn’t often endear you to your significant other, which has been scientifically proven to reduce trips to pound town. Not to mention, a lot can happen in that eleven minutes that I’d rather not miss.

Nature:

Though AT&T U-Verse would like you to believe otherwise, it’s not really smart to move your television outside by the pool or under a basketball net. Therefore I don’t see myself getting a lot of fresh air until about July.

Hygiene:

Does Sidney Crosby care that I haven’t showered in a week? Negative ghost rider. Not to mention, what a great time to not shave. Most will assume I’m growing a playoff beard, but it’s really pure laziness. Shaving sucks.

World News:

What’s that? Bieber just impregnated Dame Judi Dench? They’re remaking C.H.U.D.? Unless its being reported on NHL.com I’m clueless.

Masterbation:

Well it doesnt completely go away, lets not be ridiculous. However, I dont have the time to dig out the secret hard drive, lower all the blinds and run the empty dryer to drown out sound. I go old school and go on memory alone. Let me tell you, a three minute “unaided” self pleasure will test the limits of even Ron Jeremy’s spank bank. Though a quick visit to Baconsports Girls Eating Bacon is not out of the question – shameless plug.

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Paul Reidy

Paul Reidy

Graduate of the Second City improv and writing programs. Hockey lover.
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