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Wrestling the English Language: What does the Ultimate Warrior really say in a promo?

ultimate-warrior-promoIn the last edition of Wrestling the English Language we discussed an interview given by a man who was notorious for the surreal and outrageous, the “Macho Man” Randy Savage. While Savage may stake a claim on the Mount Rushmore of insanity, the patron saint of frenzied rhetoric is undoubtedly The Ultimate Warrior.

Where Savage appeared to be on the brink of crossing the line between control and chaos, the Warrior had most certainly left that line in his dust long before. With Savage’s and Warrior’s careers blossoming at practically the same time, it is hard to imagine how the WWF dealt with so much crazy at once. Add in personalities like Roddy Piper, The Honky Tonk Man, Jake Roberts and many others, and one might be able to find some sympathy for Vince McMahon. Well, maybe not.

After debuting in the fall of 1987, the man called The Ultimate Warrior had captured the masses with his colorfully painted face, his seizure-like entrances, and especially for his crazed and passion-filled promos. Fans would be glued to their television as they watched this behemoth of a man work himself up into a deranged lather, and by the spring of 1990 The Warrior’s dementia had reached a fever pitch.

Heading into the biggest match of his career at WrestleMania VI, Warrior’s delirium grew with each passing week and culminated on the night of the hallowed event. With a monumental clash against the WWF World Champion Hulk Hogan in his immediate future, The Ultimate Warrior let loose perhaps the most infamous promo in the history of professional wrestling.

 

ULTIMATE WARRIOR:

{Snorts} I, Hoke Hogan,

{Snorts} hmmmmm, have a question, mmmmm, to answer your question.

{Snorts} As you, Hoke Hogannnnn, travel to WRESTLEMANIA by conventional means, the normals you travel with experience malfunctions. As you realize ALL THAT IS LEFT is total self-destruction, do you, Hoke Hogan, show self pity? DO YOU, HOKE HOGAN, try to reason why? Do you, Hoke Hogan, try and comfort the normals that have even more fear than you? Or, do you, Hoke Hogan, kick the doors out? Kick the cockpit door down? Take the two pilots that have already made the sacrifice so that you can face this challenge. Dispose of them, Hoke Hogan. Assume the controls, Hoke Hogan. SHOVE THAT CONTROL INTO A NOSE DIVE, HOKE HOGAN! Push yourself to total self-destruction. AS YOU REALIZE, Hoke Hogan, you are about to enter a world close to Parts Unknown. Ah, smell it Warriors. DO YOU, Hoke Hogan, look for a place to hide? Or do you, Hoke Hogan, face that challenge? That may be more powerful THAN EVEN YOU ARE, HOKE HOGAN! You, Hoke Hogan, must self-destruct. So that you will know, Hoke Hogan, who is… the chosen one. FOR HOKE HOGAN, I am not the chosen one that you speak of. I am not. I, Hoke Hogan, am the only one. {Snorts loudly and vigorously}

First, it must be said that at times the English language was The Ultimate Warrior’s most fierce opponent of all. He did indeed refer to the most ubiquitous wrestler of all time as Hoke Hogan and he did it every time. No exceptions. This is one of the most hilarious mispronunciations of a wrestler’s name, second only to the incomparable William Regal constantly referring to the current “COO” of the WWE as Triple Haytch. The fact that these verbal transgressions occurred at the expense of two people with reputations of having highly fragile egos is teeming with irony. Anyway, with that little diversion put aside, we can now get to the meat of  the Warrior’s epic rant.

Right from the beginning, the Warrior jumps headlong into the crazy and says that Hogan is traveling to WrestleMania by conventional means. Is this in some way implying that the Warrior is not traveling to the SkyDome in Toronto conventionally? Is he riding on the end of a lightning bolt…sorry, wrong wrestler.

Speaking of Toronto, at one point the Warrior mentions that Hogan is about to enter a world close to Parts Unknown on the airplane he has apparently commandeered. Is the Warrior revealing where the vaunted and clandestine Parts Unknown is located? Moreover, is it any surprise that such a place exists somewhere within the Canadian borders? I can just imagine the members of Demolition angrily searching for the Warrior after he outed that they were from the same place as Howie Mandell. I don’t think Warrior would have had any problems, though, given that he seemingly has the powers of teleportation at his disposal.

Now, when one listens to or watches this promo, they may be blinded by the word tornado that the Warrior unleashes or by his deliberately maniacal mannerisms. So, when we write those words out do we see anything more clearly?

In the midst of all the snorts and speak of counterproductive airplane procedures, there may be a monologue here on destiny and all its entrapments. When Warrior says… You know what? Never mind. The Ultimate Warrior was bat shit insane and it is probably best that we just leave it at that and simply enjoy the depths of his madness. I, for one, have no interest in treading too far into the mind of the Warrior anyway. Unlike some people, I do not possess vast mystical powers that may or may not include teleportation.

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