Vampire Baseball: Breaking Down the Ridiculous Twilight Baseball Scene

Movies and sports – two of the awesomest things on the planet. They go together like Brady and Belichick, Dean Portman and Fulton Reed, bacon, sports and beer! Once in a blue moon, the stars align and movies and sports make beautiful babies. Among those awesome babes are the likes of White Men Can’t Jump, Jerry Maguire and A League of their Own, three excellent pieces of art that would be on my personal Mt. Rushmore of awesome sports flicks.

Sometimes, movies and sports combine in a smaller capacity, with random sports scenes in movies. This can go well – volleyball scene in Top Gun and flag football scene in Wedding Crashers – and other times the results can be disastrous – any basketball scene involving Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf. And then, below the worst of the worst of the worst random movie sports scenes lies the baseball scene in Twilight. Read on to see what makes the Twilight baseball scene so absurdly terrible.

Let’s begin with the first of many obviously offensive aspects: baseball requires nine players to field a team. Not sure how the Cullens passed kindergarten (let alone senior year in high school over and over again) not knowing how to count to nine. They had clearly been playing baseball with seven players for a long time. That must have been how the 2003 Detroit Tigers felt out there. C’mon, Twilight! Get yo crap together!

Next, let’s discuss those uniforms. Ok, let’s not. Way, way too painful to even think about.

Moving swiftly along, it’s time to talk about technique. Let’s begin with Alice, the pitcher. Bronson Arroyo leg kick aside, there is nothing remotely baseball about how this chick throws a baseball. If I were walking by a rec league team playing softball at North Ave. field, and I saw a chick throw a ball like Ashley Greene, I would either scream in horror and run away or pull her off to the side to politely ask her never to throw anything ever again.

Don’t even get me started on the swings these vampires put on the baseball. It’s like watching a cheerleading squad play home run derby with a nine iron, and that’s including the men of the movie. Next time a director considers putting a sports scene in a movie, it might be a good idea to make sure the actors involved have, you know, played that sport before.

Perhaps the most offensive aspect of the Twilight baseball scene is the blatant ignorance of the rules of baseball. If I ever meet Stephenie Meyer, the first thing I will likely say to her is, “Steph, you know you’re not allowed to throw out the person who hit the ball if you already caught the ball they hit in the air, right? You see, that would mean they’re out automatically and don’t get to run the bases. You can’t hit a sac fly to score yourself.” Or at least that’s what I would want to say to her.

Forgive my rant, but I just don’t understand how scenes like these are allowed to happen in the first place. How did this even make it through the test audiences? Maybe they were already so traumatized by Kristen Stewart’s and Robert Pattinson’s ridiculous facial expressions to even realize the bastardization of baseball that went down approximately halfway through the movie? Regardless, those are some key issues with the Twilight baseball scene.

Which random movie scenes to you take offense to? Holla at me in the comments or on Twitter @BaconSports.