The boys of summer are back! Yes, friends, baseball season is officially underway, and we’ve already seen some interesting storylines begin to unfold. Ryan Braun was greeted with open arms by a Brewers fan base that would probably welcome back Jason Kendall if he promised them a .300 batting average comprised mainly of singles. Flying syringes coming soon to a ballpark near you!
Derek Jeter is back after an injury-plagued 2013. More importantly, the interwebs tell me he has a new girlfriend. Pretty sure he could fill a high school football roster with his gal pals. And I mean the kind of high school that doesn’t cut players.
As a celebration of the MLB’s return from hibernation, here are 10 very bold predictions for the 2014 season:
1. The new 12-scoop, 3 pound ice cream concoction at U.S. Cellular Field will send Ozzie Guillen into a diabetic coma after he sneaks into a Sox game and starts ranting about how nobody ever gives Fidel Castro any love.
2. The sausage race in Milwaukee will be suspended indefinitely when Pablo Sandoval gets hungry during the 7th inning stretch and attempts to take a bite out of the Italian one. The man in the mascot sues. Mmm…sausage.
3. While making a Spider Man-like catch at the wall, one of Andrew McCutchen’s dreadlocks will get caught in the North Side Notch and tear out. He later shears them all for locks of love. Whoopi Goldberg smiles smugly at her newfound status as “America’s Favorite Dreadlocked Celebrity.”
4. Bryce Harper will get tossed from a game for throwing a tantrum during which he stands in the batters box, holds his breath and stomps his feet until his face turns purple. We learn later that the catcher told a “yo momma” joke that Bryce did not find amusing.
5. Russell Wilson shows up at a Rangers game, confusing Ron Washington. Wash pencils him into the starting lineup as the starting second baseman and leadoff hitter. He goes 1 for 3 with a stolen base and an inspirational speech.
6. Alex Rodriguez finally comes clean about his relationship with Madonna in a tell-all autobiography, entitled “Derek Jeter: A Classier Version of Me.”
7. Giancarlo Stanton and Matt Kemp combine to play in 100 games. Riots ensue.
8. John Rocker returns to baseball. America is not amused.
9. Chipper Jones rescues Freddie Freeman from drowning in a sea of Coke Zero at Turner field. He just happens to travel with an inflatable life vest at all times. Braves fans give him the chop. It’s good to be Chipper.
10. Tom Hanks wanders into a dugout, decked out in Rockford Peach garb, takes a record-breaking pee, mumbles a few obscenities under his breath and stumbles back to the set of his latest Steven Spielberg movie. Rita Wilson gives him a standing ovation. Tony LaRussa is jealous he could never get away with that.
Those are my daring predictions for the 2014 baseball season. I fully expect at least 60% of them to come true, specifically numbers 2, 5 and 10. 7 is a bit of a stretch, but sometimes you just have to go big or go home. It’s gonna be a great year! Let us know your bold predictions for the 2014 MLB season by hollaing in the comments or on Twitter @BaconSports![related-posts]