Sports

2014 NFL Worst Case Scenario Season Preview

By August 28, 2014 No Comments
nfl-worst-case-scenario

2014-nfl-preview-worst-case-scenario

The NFL season is right around the corner and optimism for fans of every team is as high as it gets. Anything can happen, right? Kurt Warner went from double bagging laundry detergent and Folgers to leading the Greatest Show on Turf to a Super Bowl Championship.

Every storyline this year won’t have that fairytale ending, and if anything the complete opposite is more likely to occur. Fans of every rival team will always be rooting for the worst case scenario to happen to their rival. You think 49ers fans were happy to see the Rams put up Playstation numbers? Hell no. You think Steelers fans are rooting for Johnny Manziel to electrify the NFL? Bitch please. They want the complete opposite to happen.

That’s why I created the 2014 NFL Worst Case Scenario Season Preview. For the fans of every rival team or hater out there here is the best case, worst case scenario that could happen this year. The drafting Ryan Leaf of seasons. I’m gonna try and not including injuries if possible. In the event that a high profile player is injury prone, like Sam Bradford, then it’s fair game.

AFC

Cleveland Browns – Brian Hoyer starts all 16 games at quarterback this season as Johnny Manziel just can’t find his way onto the field because of off the field issues. JFF gets into a fight with one of LeBron James friends, just like Braylon Edwards did in 2009, because he thinks that he’s more popular than LeBron in Cleveland. Somehow Delonte West’s name pops up in association with Mr. Football. With a full season to showcase his skills Hoyer shows everyone that he is a poor man’s Kelly Holcomb.

Cincinnati Bengals – Somehow AJ McCarron takes the majority of the snaps this year and Katherine Webb becomes the number one story line of the season. I’m pretty sure most of America is on board for this scenario.

Pittsburgh Steelers – Their top two running backs get busted for smoking dro in a car and then one of them claims he didn’t know you could get a DUI from being high. This reminds me of what Smokey said to Craig in Friday.

 

The stupidity of some professional athletes never disappoints. The NFL needs to create the Uber for hard partying players. I assume all teams have a limo service that any player can call at any time to pick them up. It would be like that but it would be like talking to the doctor where there is doctor – patient confidentiality. These athletes have to have 100% belief and trust that they can do anything in the world that they want to in one of these limos. Group orgy while doing blow with the owners daughter? Game on. Keeping that info in house is limiting the damage that could really go down if one of these players decides to take this show on the road in his new Rolls. The teams would obviously prefer that this stuff doesn’t get down but time and time again we are proven that some athletes give zero craps. Minimize the damage, this solves it.

Back to our scenario. Le’Veon Bell and LaGarrett Blount inexplicable start hanging out with Josh Gordon and the Steelers have to bring back Isaac Redman to be the featured back. The offensive line doesn’t stay healthy or mesh and Big Ben is running for his life, per usual, and another non-playoff season goes down. Dick LeBeau retires after the season.

Baltimore Ravens – Imagine if Ray Rice broke Eric Dickerson’s single-season rushing yards record (2,105) and his unreal on the field performance is the story line. It’s like Hollywood Hogan winning the title making WCW faithful wanna puke. No one is forgetting what happened in that elevator. That thought will not go away yet somehow Ray Rice gives a big F-U to everyone and crushes it on the field and wins league MVP and Comeback Player of the Year.

That was just a random thought, not the worst case scenario. The real best case worst scenario would involve Joe Flacco having a showdown with Eli Manning and Carson Palmer to see who can throw 30 INT’s the quickest. Oh the fun that would be.

New York Jets – The Jets stay fiercely loyal to Geno Smith and he rewards them by playing like the Knicks.

New England Patriots – Bill Belichick is always one step ahead. To gain a hidden edge he introduces a new level of cheating. Drones. He slaps on an ESPN sticker and disguises them as TV cameras. What we don’t know is that they are secretly zooming in on opposing coaches play call sheets and conversations and relaying that back to the field. “The Goods” Goodell finds out, suspends the entire Patriots coaching staff, fines Robert Craft some crazy number, and hangs the players out to dry. No coaches, management, practicing, anything. The players can only show up for the games and that’s it.

Miami Dolphins – Ryan Tannehill’s season is summed up by this quote from Top Gun.

 

Buffalo Bills – You know who’s a piece of shit? Bon Jovi. I am completely opposed to any professional sports franchise being relocated because for the fans of that team it would absolutely suck. This is especially for a team like the Bills who have a loyal fan base. Just because the performance on the field isn’t good doesn’t mean the same can be said for the fans (just ask Browns fans). Bon Jovi is part of a group that wants to buy the Bills and move them to Canada. That would be a major Shot Through The Heart to Bills fans and that shit ain’t cool. As a show of solidarity bars and radio stations in Buffalo have Bon Jovi-free zones (really). Good for them, I wouldn’t support someone who wanted to move my team either. End Rant.

The best case worst case scenario has Thad Lewis and Jeff Tuel taking the majority of the snaps for the Bills. We all know how this story ends. The future of EJ Manuel as the answer at QB is a resounding negative ghost rider the pattern is full.

Houston Texans – This is simple. It starts with Ryan Fitzpatrick as the starting QB. In his career Ryan Fitzpatrick has never had a season as a starter where his team won more games than they lost. (Side note: Despite this I’d say the career of Ryan Fitzpatrick has been a huge success. He’s entering his 10th season in the NFL as a starting quarterback out of Harvard. He only started three games in his first three seasons, going 0-3, and now he’s throwing to Andre Johnson and set up for a nice NFL pension). True to form Ryan Fitzpatrick “leads” the Texans to a very mediocre record. Something like 5-11 or 6-10 (which grossly is an improvement from last season). Andre Johnson goes all Barry Sanders and then some by retiring midseason.

andre-johnson-time-for-this-shit

Tennessee Titans – Titans fan wish they had Ryan Fitzpatrick as Jake Locker makes Geno Smith look like Fran Tarkenton.

Jacksonville Jaguars – Jags management goes against their own word and starts Blake Bortles in Week 3. They should have stuck to their original plan because this goes as well as David Carr’s first season with the Texans. This shatters Bortles confidence and he is on the fast track to the Blain Gabbert career path.

Indianapolis Colts – Trent Richardson gets demoted to special teams and Ahmad Bradshaw has to shoulder the load and promptly crumbles like bleu cheese. Andrew Luck has to throw 700 times and has a Matthew Stafford like season, but with fewer interceptions, no Calvin J0hnson, and no playoff berth. RGIII has a Pro Bowl season and talking heads are now questioning if Andrew Luck has already hit his ceiling or if he’ll ever do much in the playoffs.

Denver Broncos – Wes Welker retires because his brain is made of eggs. Emmanuel Sanders plays like last year’s version with the Steelers where he gives a yawning output despite Ben Roethlisberger’s impressive 4,261 yard, 28 TD season. Peyton goes all Kobe and wants to prove to everyone that he can win by throwing 900 times in a season despite his less than optimal receiving crew and his somehow lead by Ronnie Hillman running game. The season ends in Mile High where Tom Brady shines in bad weather and Manning throws a game clinching INT sealing the victory in a statistically weird-yet Peyton Manning playoff typical ending. The Patriots then lose to the Saints in the Super Bowl making both Manning and Brady haters happy.

San Diego Chargers – Phil Rivers bolo tie is front and center all year. A season after being named the NFL Comeback Player of the Year (yes, that actually happened last year) he reverts back to the usual Philip Rivers by teasing Chargers fans and infuriating rival fans with a 6-2 start, then finishing 8-8. He loses numerous clutch games, crushing Chargers fans hearts and opening up the heavens for rival fans. This leads to numerous tantrums and Philip Rivers faces, but sets himself up great for the 2015 Comeback Players of the Year award.

philip-rivers-chips-and-salsa

Kansas City Chiefs – You thought last year’s second half Wild Card playoff collapse was something, just wait till this year. Andy Reid out does Andy Reid and the Chiefs give up an NFL Record 35-point second half lead in the Wild Card game to a Philip Rivers led Chargers. PHILIP RIVERS MANIA SWEEPS THE NATION!! ALL HAIL KING BOLO!!

Oakland Raiders – Maurice Jones-Drew & Darren McFadden are worse than Franklin & Bash (sorry Preppy and that dude from Road Trip). Marcel Reece delights fantasy football owners with an off-the-waiver-wire surprising RB2 season. Midseason they trade for the suspended Josh Gordon. Both Trend Edwards and David Carr start numerous games. Dennis Allen is on the hot seat all season but know one knows that he is the guy that coaches the Raiders.

NFC

Chicago Bears – Smoking Jay Cutler returns to 2006 form where he threw 26 INT’s and in a post game on the field interview after a home loss to the Packers tells Sal Pal, “Go Fuck Yourself Chicago.” The Bears miss the playoffs while Josh McCown leads the surprising 12-4 division champion Buccaneers to a first round playoff bye.

Green Bay Packers – Eddie Lacy turns into the next Rashaan Salaam. In 1995 Salaam was a Heisman Trophy winning first round pick running back for the Bears that rushed for 1074 yards and 10 TD’s his rookie year only to fall off the face of the earth the following year (he ran for 496 yards and 3 TD’s). Last year Lacy, who wasn’t a Heisman Trophy winner or first round draft pick, ran for 1178 yards and 11 TD’s. The demise of Eddie Lacy is just too much for Aaron Rodgers to overcome. No more Discount Double Checks for you.

Detroit Lions – Reggie Bush’s ability to stay on the field rivals the consistency of Antonio Cromartie’s condom use, and Matthew Stafford brings on Dan Quisenberry as a QB coach. New coach Jim Caldwell is the same coach from his 2-14 season with the Colts and Lions fans call for Wayne Fontes to come back.

matthew-stafford-quisenberry

Minnesota Vikings – The Christian Ponder era as Vikings starting QB is far from over as Teddy Bridgewater and Matt Cassel are anything but sure things. With Ponder at the helm it’s business as usual for the Vikings as Adrian Peterson does his thing but that’s it. Another year goes by with the Vikings having no clue what’s going on at QB. Former Vikings Bryant McKinnie and Fred Smoot throw another Love Boat party and 10 current players including Cordarrelle Patterson get busted. Patterson becomes the next Troy Williamson.

New York Giants – You thought Eli Manning’s 27 INT’s last year was bad? Just wait till this year where he single handedly puts Tom Coughlin on the hot seat in Week 3 by throwing 9 INT’s in the first three games and sets an NFL record by throwing 43 interceptions (breaking George Blanda’s record). Peyton Hillis also gets the majority of the carries this year leading to numerous Chris Berman-Mike Alstott battering ram noise segments.

Washington Redskins – Robert Griffin III takes a page from Bryce Harper and is more hype than substance. He can not get comfortable in the pocket and continues to run and not slide, which leads to him getting destroyed. Fans call for Kirk Cousins and when he gets his shot he rewards them by playing like he did last year where he threw 4 TD’s to 7 INT’s. Colt McCoy finishes the season at QB, gets a late win over the Giants and becomes a fan favorite.

Dallas Cowboys – In Week 1 Tony Romo takes a bone crushing hit to his back but because he’s got the heart of Brett Favre he refuses to leave the field. For the remainder of the season he has the mobility of John Clayton and the accuracy of Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn. An extremely discontent Dez Bryant turns on Romo early in the season and says that he wishes RGIII was his QB. The defense breaks the Baltimore Colts most points allowed in a season record of 533. Jerry Jones continues to think he’s a good GM.

Philadelphia Eagles – A second racist Riley Cooper video surfaces and all hell breaks loose in the Eagles locker room killing team chemistry. A PAC-12 quarterback takes the majority of the snaps, but it’s not Nick Foles or Mark Sanchez, it’s Matt Barkley. The Eagles fight with the Cowboys all season for worst team in the NFL.

New Orleans Saints – Not everyone learns from their mistakes and Sean Payton is no exception. Bounty Gate II goes down as Payton calls for even more physicality from his defense. He shows old videos of Chuck Cecil drilling receivers with the crown of his helmet and fines DB’s who don’t lead with their helmet. The entire coaching staff is suspended midseason and Drew Brees goes all Bill Russell and becomes player coach. There’s a reason why the NFL doesn’t have player coaches.

 

Atlanta Falcons – Steven Jackson and Roddy White are anything but young or healthy and Matt Ryan plays like a pair of pleated khakis. Sensible. Last year’s 4-12 record was a huge surprise but if it happens again it wouldn’t be as much. On the plus side, Falcons fans still have this video of Jamal Anderson teaching Steve Kerr how to do the Dirty Bird.

Carolina Panthers – Cam Newton’s bevy of injuries are just too much and the world is treated to a Joe Webb/Derek Anderson quarterback carrousel. Bill Simmons will mention how much he enjoys the Joe Webb experience and that he sort of buys in. DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart deliver their usual mediocre results and continue to torture any fantasy football owner dumb or desperate enough to roster them.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – You really think that career journeymen QB Josh McCown is the real deal Holyfield? Please. He’s not throwing to Alshon Jeffery or Brandon Marshall any longer and Doug Martin repeats his nonexistent 2013 performance. Chlorophyll, more like Borophyll!

Seattle SeahawksThe Super Bowl Hangover is a real thing and Pete Carroll has his boys too loosey goosey. Carroll brings in USC cornerback Josh Shaw to fake save Marshawn Lynch’s life to get the team going but something goes wrong. The media has a field day with this story and in the ensuing circus Marshawn Lynch decides to live in his Lambo because Marshawn Lynch will do Marshawn Lynch things. Even the great and unflappable Russell Wilson can’t save this ship from sinking.

Arizona Cardinals – Imagine an episode of Itchy & Scratchy where Carson Palmer is Itchy and Cardinals Fans are Scratchy. Palmer will inflict constant punishment in the form of interceptions and bad decisions. Cardinals fans will be left screaming and running out of their own skin.

 

San Francisco 49ersCalifornia Dreaming Blane Gabbert somehow gets another shot at leading an NFL team and what better place than San Francisco where expectations are high and no one knows where Aldon Smith might bring a gun. This ends as well as it did for Debo when he stepped to Craig in the street.

St. Louis Rams – With Sam Bradford done for the year Jeff Fisher looks for the next Kurt Warner. It is Garrett Gilbert, not Shaun Hill, that takes the majority of the snaps. Last year with SMU Gilbert lead the Mustangs to a 5-5 record in something called the American conference. Playing against the Seahawks on the road is a slight upgrade from the American conference. As Clubber Lang so elequantly stated, “My prediction, PAIN!

Rob Cressy

Rob Cressy

Sports loving free throw specialist and yinzer living in Chicago who is awesome most of the time, has run with the bulls in Spain, and is a graduate of Second City's Improv program.