Beer and sports go together like Johnny Football and that water bottle he kept sipping every time a team decided not to draft him Thursday night (cover-up for his disappointed face? I think so). Now, I’m no beer sommelier, but I know a thing or two. If Kobe can compare himself to vino, then why can’t athletes be compared to beers? After all, tasting notes can be quite similar to athletic qualities. Don’t believe me? Here are 5 athletes that could totally be beers.
1. Dan Marino – Pilsner
Starts out fresh and smooth, with precision and accuracy. A quick release of aroma really draws you in. Develops a subtle sweetness toward the middle, rounding out its game. Finishes slightly bitter, but never fails to impress. Pairs well with anything found in the Nutrisystem arsenal. Ages reasonably well. All in all, it is a well-rounded crowd-pleaser with very few noticeable flaws.
2. Brett Favre – Home Brew
No labels, no gimmicks, simplicity is the name of the game here. Kind of like a pair of Wrangler jeans, except when the home recipe doesn’t seem to work out the way you intended, you’re left with a big, skunky mess. Creativity can be the saving grace or the Achilles heel of this varietal. Pairs well with others at times, but mostly plays by its own rules. Warning: it fools you into thinking it ages well but, proceed with caution, consumption after sell by date can cause severe trauma. No longer available in Wisconsin or New York. Limited availability in Minnesota.
3. Evgeni Malkin – IPA
This is a well-balanced varietal that never fails to impress. It possesses great strength and leaves quite the impression. Mad hops. When it’s at its best, it will leave a long, lingering finish. At times, it can be difficult to understand, but a refined palate can appreciate it for its complexity. Inordinately popular in Western Pennsylvania. Special edition labels read “I’m score.”
4. Mike Trout – Wheat Ale
Light, refreshing and velvety smooth, this one may be mainstream, but even the pickiest of connoisseurs must tip their caps. It’s just that good. It has the basic qualities you look for – strength, consistency, and humility – without any of the hassle of a more complex brew. Sweet notes are balanced by hints of spice. Plays well with others. This one is without a doubt a winner. It’s still young, though, so we’ll see how it ages.
5. Darryl Strawberry – Stout
Deep, murky and strong, this varietal is an acquired taste that’s not for the faint of heart. When it’s on, it is best in class, but it can be unreliable at times. Does not always play well with others, but is appreciated for its prodigious power. Has a limited lifespan and tapers off considerably throughout the aging process. Use at your own risk.
See, athletes can totally be beers. After reading much of the NFL draft coverage, that’s basically how every media outlet describes these young men. “Raw explosive power” and “unorthodox body type” are just two descriptions I’ve read about draft hopefuls this week that lead me to believe I’m reading a beer label at my local Binny’s.
Who’s in your athlete six pack? Hit us up on Twitter @BaconSports or in the comments section with your picks!