In the immortal words of Patches O’Houlihan, the only way to become a dodgeball champion is to “learn the five d’s of dodgeball: dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge!” Patches, you were wise beyond your years. That is, until you met your demise wheeling under a falling neon sign. RIP. Anyway, here are the five MLB players I’d want on my dodgeball team based on their abilities to execute the five d’s:
1. Rafael Furcal (in his prime)
YouTube “Rafael Furcal Highlights,” and you’ll find a bevy of web gems and triples that feature his quicks, speed and rocket arm. He was a ninja in his day.
2. Yoenis Céspedes
2014’s throw of the year, damn. Dude can chuck a frozen rope from the warning track to home plate without a bounce. Where do I sign?
3. Aroldis Chapman
His fastball has been clocked at 105 mph and his control is unbelievable. The other team might need to wear catcher’s gear to avoid internal bleeding. Yes, please.
4. Clayton Kershaw
How could you have a dodgeball list that doesn’t include the greatest current pitcher in the game? Not only would he fool opposing players with the action on his breaking balls, but he’s a Gold Glover who can catch the ball, too. MVP!
5. Andrelton Simmons
Best shortstop in the game. Shortstops are known for dodging, ducking, dipping, and diving. This kid fits the bill, and he has a 90s Brett Favre-type arm. Boom!
I feel like these five ringers could easily win me an intramural dodgeball championship. Most dodgeball teams have six players, so I would occupy the final roster spot since I’m the captain of the Globo Gym Purple Cobras. Sorry, White Goodman. Basically, I’ll just stand in the back and pray no one targets me. I bruise easily.
Who’s on your intramural dodgeball team? Let us know on Twitter @BaconSports!