We all know that athletes can act, just use any Shaq movie as an example. Since the concept could have actually happened here are 5 movie roles that should have gone to athletes.
1. Maggie Fitzgerald in Million Dollar Baby – Tonya Harding
If you were breathing in the ‘90s, you can probably still recite the Nancy Kerrigan post-assault tape by heart. You probably also recall a certain petite, blonde skater who got a bad rap for her involvement in the incident. Yep, you couldn’t go anywhere in 1994 without seeing Nancy Kerrigan’s glowing face on a magazine or box o’ Wheaties and Harding’s mean mug in the tabloids. But by the end of the decade, Tonya’s star had fallen. And then Celebrity Boxing happened. Millions tuned in to watch Tonya beat the caca out of Paula Jones, and a star was reborn. A few bouts later, Tonya made a name for herself as a somewhat successful professional boxer. I’m just saying, if I was going to cast a chick boxing movie, T-Harding would be at the top of my list. Hillary who?
2. Terminator in The Terminator – Tim Tebow
I think my brother put it best when he once told me “Tim Tebow makes talking look hard.” What better role to give to a man who struggles to speak than one with 18 lines and fewer than 100 words? Think about it, this could work. He’s tall, he’s physically menacing, he stares at things a lot and people run away from him when he approaches. THIS GUY IS THE TERMINATOR. Sorry for the capslock, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. Excuse me while I call James Cameron to discuss Terminator 5: the Interception. This is happening.
3. Johnny Utah in Point Break – David Carr
Johnny Utah is one of the greatest film athletes of all time. I couldn’t let just anyone adopt the role of perfectly-coiffed former Ohio State star QB who becomes a narc and hangs out with Patrick Swayze and various members of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. No, this had to be a special man. Survey says: David Carr. Not only does Carr have the hair and the face, he has the history. A former first overall draft pick out of Fresno State, Carr was riding high on the football wave before he fell off his board after nine seasons of whelming football and two more as a backup. One has to wonder if his time would have been better spent delivering lines like “I am an FBI agent!” I guess we’ll never know. Keanu was great, but I think David Carr would’ve made that rousing game of beach football even more authentic. Whoa. Crap, wrong Keanu movie!
4. Stifler in American Pie – Patrick Kane
The more hours you spend out and about after midnight in Chicago, the higher your chances are of encountering Kaner. He’s kind of like Gizmo, he’s all warm and fuzzy until you feed him after midnight. Then the real fun begins. Kaner is to Jonathan Toews as Stifler is to Jim Levenstein. It just works. Picture this: you’re at a theater to see the umpteenth American Pie movie (why? you don’t know), the opening credits role, the screen cuts to an ice rink where a high school women’s figure skating team is practicing. Stifler and Kaner are sitting in the stands, drinking 40s and discussing which skaters have the best lady parts while Girls on Film plays in the background. Some studio is going to bite on this, I just know it.
5. Quincy McCall in Love & Basketball – Mike Tomlin
Ok, so while Mike Tomlin isn’t a professional athlete, did you really think I could make a list of movie roles that should’ve gone to athletes without mentioning his uncanny resemblance to Omar Epps? I mean, I’d be willing to bet my Kordell Stewart jersey that Steelers fans are watching Omar Epps as Mike Tomlin on the sidelines every Sunday. That’s how freakishly similar these men look. Didn’t you ever wonder why Tomlin is always wearing aviators and looking fresh? Hollywood. And that sideline shuffle on Thanksgiving? Omar’s hoping to make the cut for the next season of Dancing with the Stars. Hines Ward is somewhere laughing manically right now. Ugh, I really want to see Mike Tomlin with those fresh ridges in his hair now. Sigh. Someday.
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