5 Non-Racist Team Names for the Washington Redskins

redskins-replacement-names Lately everybody wants to make a big ado about the Washington Redskins name. Sure, it’s a little racist. Sure, the logo’s a little insensitive. But I, like the majority of the nation, believe the ‘Skins should be able to keep their name and logo. It’s not really hurting anyone, right? Though their hideous team colors might be. Like we all learned as kids, “sticks and stones,” etc.

But, try as we may to move past the renaming of a football team and focus on more important issues, like Justin Bieber’s recent arrest, people still want to make a big deal out of nothing. So, why not have some fun with it? If the organization had to rename the team, here are some names that may or may not represent what the District of Columbia is all about:

1. Cherry Blossoms

Given the way the team played in 2013, this one may be the front-runner. Not only are cherry blossoms essentially D.C.’s mascot (well, that and overweight politicians), they are lovely and smell nice. Ok, so maybe this isn’t a great name for a football team. But wouldn’t you love to see Pierre Garçon frolicking across the field, leaping to make a catch in a red and pink jersey with flowers on it? Oh, I guess the Pro Bowl isn’t that popular, huh. My bad. By the way, you don’t even want to know how long it took me to find that funky c with the tail on it in symbols.

2. Footsteps Falcos

If you understand this reference without me having to explain it, we should probably be best friends. For the rest of you, Shane Falco was the quarterback of the fictional Washington Sentinels in the second greatest football movie of all time, “The Replacements.” Shane was the heart and soul of the team, a dude who delivered a pep talk for the ages: “Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory…lasts forever.” Indeed, Shane, indeed. Here’s hoping the Washington Footsteps Falcos don’t inherit Shane’s little issue of choking in the big games. Nah, not these guys.

3. Politicians

Something tells me no one would want to play for a team named the Politicians, not even RGIII. And somewhere $1,000,000 has just been deposited into one of RGIII’s bank accounts because I mentioned his name. When do we think he’s going to trademark that moniker? I mean, if Tebow can trademark “Tebowing,” Robert’s got a case, right? Excuse me while I laugh for a minute. Where was I again? Oh yeah, I was boring you to death with the worst and most predictable of the replacement names, but it had to be done. Moving swiftly along.

4. Team America

‘Murica! I know people refer to the Cowboys as “America’s Team” and all, but don’t you think that title should go to a city that matters? No disrespect to Dallas, but D.C. is kind of America’s city, if for no other reason than the President lives there. Sure, not much goes on inside that big ol’ house that’s constantly surrounded by tourists taking pictures and throwing up gang symbols (aka peace signs), but the White House is the White House. Plus, I just really want the “Team America: World Police” theme song to play every time Alfred Morris rumbles into the end zone. It’s the little things in life, man.

5. Foggy Bottoms

I’d be remiss if I did not give a shout out to one of the sweetest neighborhood names in American history. Can you think of a better way to honor D.C than to name its football team after one of its oldest neighborhoods? Just think of the marketability. It’s Sunday afternoon and you’re at FedEx Field. The crowd goes berserk as the Washington Foggy Bottoms take the field. Blaring over the loud speakers is “Man of Constant Sorrow,” by the Soggy Bottom Boys. George Clooney smiles smugly on his yacht in Italy. And hey, the players won’t even get any crap about the booty sweat visible on their pants, because they are supposed to have soggy bottoms! Everybody wins!

Those are my ridiculous ideas for the Washington Redskins’ new team name. Let’s hope we never have to come to this. As we can see, coming up with replacement names is like finding replacements players – slow and painful. Hopefully the debate simmers down so we can focus on Peyton Manning’s next Papa John’s commercial.

Holla at us and tell us your picks for the Redskins’ new team name!

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