Sports

5 Things That Kate Upton And Her Boobs Could Not Sell You

By January 8, 2015 No Comments
5-THINGS-KATE-UPTON-COULD-NOT-SELL-YOU

5-THINGS-KATE-UPTON-COULD-NOT-SELL-YOU

Kate Upton and boobs. Two things the creators of the game Game of War think can help sell more of their game to teenagers and dudes. These commercials, which seems to appear on an endless loop on every sports channel I watch, have a simple formula: show Kate Upton, show Kate Upton’s boobs.

In terms of the dialogue in the commercials it’s 50/50 on if you should listen or not. There are two videos that’ll help illustrate this point. The first is one in which Game of War wants you to listen to what Kate Upton says.

 

They start things off with Kate Upton saying, “Come and play with me” aka I know you’d love to have sex with me. Naturally any horny teenager is now gonna rub one out to this commercial. It doesn’t take much.

Kate Upton’s next line is, “You can meet some of my friends” aka imagine what it would be like to have an orgy with me and my hot friends. Even your friends will be able to bang my hot friends.

She then follows it up with, “They’re really excited to meet you” aka all my hot model friends with huge racks are definitely gonna bang you and give you a sexual experience unlike any you’d ever imagined.

She then whispers something into some dudes ear like a stripper does when she’s “convincing” you to go upstairs for a private lap dance. All you hear is “sex.”

Her last line of the commercial, “So tell me, do you want to come and play?!” aka I only heard the word come and the answer is a resounding yes. I might want to play a couple times. Today.

Final scene, roll Game of War title.

In the second video Game of War clearly doesn’t want you to listen to anything Kate Upton says. Instead they just want you to look at her boobs.

 

This video starts off with Kate Upton pretending she’s Braveheart. She starts things off with, “Listen” which instantly makes me not want to listen. I already have a really hard time believing that Kate Upton is going to lead an army of men into battle when I’ve seen how William Wallace does it. Dude was the Urban Meyer of leading men into battle.

Line two is, “That’s destiny calling” and by the time she gets to the word destiny I’ve officially tuned out. No conversation in the history of the world that has started with “listen” and “destiny” has been anything other than total garbage except a strip club DJ saying, “listen up, next on stage we’ve got DESTINY!”

It’s at this time that Kate Upton’s upper half/boobs appears bouncing on top of a horse. From this point forward I only care about Kate Upton’s boobs. This continues on and the scene climax’s with a money shot of Kate Upton’s boobs followed by final credits, roll Game of War title.

Congratulations Game of War, you’ve successfully succeeded at using Kate Upton and her boobs to promote a game AND speak the language of your target demographic. At no point does anything regarding game play get mentioned and I commend you for that. Game play doesn’t sell games, Kate Upton and boobs does.

Until I started doing research for this article and saw those Game of War videos this next part was going to be the basis for my entire article. I then figured you wouldn’t mind watching two Kate Upton videos and getting a breakdown since it involved boobs and absurdity. This all got me thinking about what are some things that Kate Upton and her boobs COULD NOT sell you? An instance in which the Game of War formula would not work and having Kate Upton and her boobs as the endorser would just be a waste of money.

This proved to be especially hard for obvious reasons. I went to Facebook and Twitter for ideas from the peanut gallery on what Kate Upton and her boobs could not sell you, but only received one suggestion that would actually help me answer this question. I did, however, get these responses.

“Um ya…I got nothing. Those could sell me a $10 cup of sand while I’m standing on a beach.” – JoJo Vinay

“I’m from Cleveland. She could walk into my house with a JR Smith jersey painted on her body and I’d still hate the trade.” -Jay Seaton 

“Casey Anthony’s guide to parenting.” – Jim Smolinsky

Here are 5 Things Kate Upton and Her Boobs could not sell me.

1. Knicks tickets.

Last night the Knicks lost their 13th straight game, the longest losing streak in the history of the Knicks franchise. Their roster and box score looked like this.

knicks-roster-kate-upton

No Carmelo Anthony, no A’mare Stoudemire, just the 30% shooting of Tim Hardaway Jr., Jason Smith (who many assume is JR Smith), and a guy named Pablo (who might as well be that dude from The Bachelor). Not even the addition of Kate Upton licking a bomb pop (shout out to bomb pops) and her boobs could make me want to purchase tickets to the next Knicks game. As Charles Barkley says, the Knicks are Turrible.

2. Ostrich Pillow

kate-upton-ostrich-pillow

There are few things in life that I find as strangely awesome as the Ostrich Pillow. Not only do you get to look part alien (who wouldn’t want that?), but no doubt this thing is comfortable as hell and allows you to get saw some good zzz’s. They wouldn’t have put out the Ostrich Pillow to help people better take naps in a non-nap environment unless it worked and was comfy.

Let’s now add Kate Upton and her boobs to this equation and have her endorsing the Ostrich Pillow. All you get is a nose and a smile. Since the Ostrich Pillow is all about the shoulders up it removes the boobs portion of Kate Upton.

Some of you may be thinking, “but couldn’t you just put Kate Upton in a bikini and have her wear an Ostrich Pillow?” Yes, but the Ostrich Pillow is a hard sell to begin with because most unfun people just don’t get it, so Ostrich Pillow has to be tight with their costs so they can turn a profit. That means they aren’t taking out full page ads in magazines, only quarter pagers that focuses on the core competencies of the Ostrich Pillow. Looking cool up top and getting good sleep in any environment.

I did, for your enjoyment, create what it would look like if Kate Upton rocked an Ostrich Pillow in a bikini.

kate-upton-ostrich-pillow-bikini

3. Expedition/Polar suit

What if you were one of the lucky camera men that got to shoot Kate Upton’s Sports Illustrated campaign where she went to Antarctica? You’ve got to bundle up because you’re gonna be outside exposed to cold weather for long periods of time, plus you’ll need an extra line of boner defense. You’re gonna need one of those expedition/polar suits. If you thought the Ostrich Pillow covered up too much then you’re not gonna be happy with the polar suit.

kate-upton-polar-suit

I took the liberty to compare and contrast what Kate Upton posing in a bikini in Antarctica looks like versus if she was also going to be endorsing a polar suit. As you can see the addition of Kate Upton and her boobs adds no value to selling a polar suit. If anything I’d prefer a bearded man selling a polar suit. Beards are just more trusting in frigid weather.

4. James Harden’s defense (h/t to Jeff Milliner).

kate-upton-james-harden-no-defense

In years past James Harden’s defense was the opposite of Kate Upton’s boobs. There was none and it was awful. Even Kate Upton knows at the bare minimum you should put your hands up on D.

Having Kate Upton and her boobs try and sell Joe Sports Fan on James Harden’s defense is gonna be damn near impossible. Sure James Harden’s defense has improved this year, but no one sans Grantland/Bill Simmons/NBA junkies gives two craps about hearing how James Harden’s defense has improved. It’s much more fun to watch videos where he was totally inept or where he was balling out of his mind on the offensive end. Kate Upton just gets in the way of the laughter or adulation.

 

5. Justin Bieber Floss

How many of you get angry when you hear the name Justin Bieber? Hand raised. Dude just seems like a spoiled douche. Never in my wildest dreams would I ever have thought there was such a thing as Justin Bieber floss. But thanks to our friends at SkyMall you can own half a football field (aka longer than Alex Smith can throw) of Justin Bieber floss.

kate-upton-justin-bieber-floss

By now you are enraged that this punk is making money off stupid people purchasing floss with his likeness, so it’s gonna be a very tough sell. Insert Kate Upton and her boobs on a beach somewhere nice. Justin Bieber floss is no longer the only string in the house.

That do much for ya? Me either. For one, my success rate of flossing is about as good as Josh Smith’s 3-point field goal percentage this year (or ever), and two, if I’m gonna floss I want it to taste like mint, not douche.

I want to hear from you, what things could Kate Upton and her boobs not sell? Hit me up on Twitter @BaconSports and let me know.

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Rob Cressy

Rob Cressy

Sports loving free throw specialist and yinzer living in Chicago who is awesome most of the time, has run with the bulls in Spain, and is a graduate of Second City's Improv program.