Hall of FameSports

7 unforgettable experiences with athletes that Thuzio needs to offer

By February 7, 2013 One Comment
delonte west kfc

Tiki Barber started a company called Thuzio where they “connect you with professional athletes for unforgettable experiences”. In a nutshell you the fan can kick it with a professional athlete if you are willing to drop enough coin. Seems pretty dope, right? Being able to have R.A. Dickey show up at your event ($20 g’s) or Nick Anderson talk to you on the phone for 10 minutes ($149) is definitely unique. We do wish, however, that Thuzio would step up their game and really give the fans an experience that they’d never forget. Here’s a few experiences that aren’t currently offered that I think would be amazing.

Get KFC drive thru with Delonte West : $50 as long as you throw in a 10 piece bucket.

There’s no way that you can watch that video of Delonte West rapping while in the drive thru of KFC and not think that this would be the greatest $50 you’ve ever spent. You can’t make up the stuff that comes out of his mouth (“Hot sauce in my bag”). I can only imagine how much better this experience would be now that West isn’t on an NBA squad. The leash of David Stern wouldn’t be around his neck and I’m sure that you could get into a lot of extrecurricular activities that would make this experience truly unforgettable.

Do a Jagerbomb with Rob Gronkowski: $500.

This would be the ultimate brotastic experience and I have to imagine would be the number one seller. For anyone that pops two collars this is a must have. If a phone call with Nick Anderson is $149 then Gronk is worth at least three times that. All that you’d have to do is throw on some Paul Okenfold “Faster Kill Pussycat”, take your shirt off and rage. Think of it as a 10 minute Spring Break for all of us that aren’t in college any longer.

What also makes this feasible is that I could totally see Gronk being able to handle six Jagerbombs in an hour. If you were lucky enough to get Gronk during Jagerbomb number four thru six then this experience could really be…wait for it….legen…dary!

Drink 64 beers with Wade Boggs: $5,000. 

Keeping with the Thuzio theme, this would truly be an unforgettable experience. Not only would you get to see if Wade Boggs could in fact drink 64 beers, but you’d also get to see the effects of Wade Boggs drinking 64 beers. I could probably max out at 15 since I’m not in game shape any longer so this would be equally as enjoyable for Wade Boggs. I’d be a disaster. Lets just hope that there are no markers laying around and Wade Boggs doesn’t draw any penises on my face.

Nascar Racing experience with Jason Kidd: $10,000.

After seeing the carnage of this brutal wreck maybe we should just stick to dinner.

Pick up Matt Leinart’s leftovers for a night: $25,000.

matt leinart ladies

Can you really put a price on being set up to have the greatest sexual experience night of your life? I say yes. Matt Leinart’s NFL career may not be going exactly as planned when he was drafted in the first round by the Arizona Cardinals but that doesn’t make Leinart any less of a “player”. Dude is an NFL quarterback with boatloads of money and he likes to slay. Advantage: Matt Leinart. In this experience you get to hang out in Leinart’s crew for a night and pick up the scraps that he doesn’t want (and by scraps we mean the smoking hot chicks that are willing to sleep with anyone just because of who they are or know).

To put this into perspective, $25,000 would get you a well stocked 2013 Honda Accord. Sure it would be nice to go through life getting great gas mileage and being sensible. However, I’m not sure if you would ever come down from cloud nine after having not one, not two, not three…but seven smokeshow women fawning over you all night willing to do anything you want to them just because you know Matt Leinart.

Learn how to sign a unbelievable contract with Gilbert Arenas, Mike Hampton, and Vernon Wells: $700,000.

You didn’t think that this would be cheap did you? In this experience these three athletes teach you everything that you know in order to make hundreds of millions of dollars and then have to produce little results afterwards. This is a top selling experience for anyone who aspires to be a professional athlete one day.

Making it rain lessons with Floyd Mayweather: $1,000,000.

Now the big guns are coming out. For the common man a lot of the Thuzio experiences aren’t realistic or affordable. I just don’t have $7,500 laying around to have Pierre Garcon come to my anniversary party. That’s fine, not every product is meant for everyone. If money is not an option then this is the Kate Upton of Thuzio experiences. Floyd Mayweather wipes his butt with 100 dollar bills and spends more money in strip clubs than everyone one of us who is reading this article will ever spend on cars in our lifetime combined.

The experience would start with Money Mayweather bringing over a gold rimed briefcase to your penthouse suite at Caesars Palace for you to put your cash into. If you are going to be ballin then you need to do it in style. From there you’d take a stroll down to the casino with a posse of 100 just so that you could know what it feels like to have every person in the hotel looking at you. If you were feeling lucky maybe you’d lay $150 g’s down on the Pacers -2.5 in the first half. If not, keep on struting. From there you get into your stretch Navigator limo and head to Spearmint Rhino where you are escorted to a private area of the club that regular people aren’t allowed to go to. After that you pop bottles of Ciroc Dom Ace of Spades while being told how interesting you are by some of the hottest girls you’ve ever seen. Once the time is right Mayweather opens up the briefcase, grabs a handful of hunnies, and shows you how to make it rain like only the Champ can.

That my friends is what you call an unforgettable experience.

I want to hear from you. What athletes and experiences would you like to see Thuzio offer? Put your thoughts in the comments and maybe if you are lucky someone from Thuzio will see it and make it happen. 

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Rob Cressy

Rob Cressy

Sports loving free throw specialist and yinzer living in Chicago who is awesome most of the time, has run with the bulls in Spain, and is a graduate of Second City's Improv program.