Have you ever thought about what would happen if you combined Carrie Bradshaw with Matthew Berry? Sex and the City meets ESPN? Every week my column will be a comparison between all things pop culture, dating, fashion and football. I’m the commissioner of my all girls fantasy football league where we know our fantasy football, but also watch every game in our high heels and jerseys. This is the world of fantasy football through the eyes of my league. You can follow Lisa on Twitter @wildcatlisadyan.
There are many famous phrases in the 1990’s that everyone remembers. “I didn’t inhale”, “talk to the hand“, and “it ain’t no fun if the homies can’t have none“. I firmly believe that 90’s hip hop music not only defined my generation/got my grandparents singing along to California Love at my Bat Mitzvah, but gave us some of the best artists and lyrics that we will all remember forever. This week I compare 90’s hip hop artists to the week that was fantasy football Week 15.
2Pac/He will live on forever:
Being from California, when 2Pac was shot dead nobody wanted to believe it. After his album Makaveli came out and then suddenly 2Pac was dead, we thought for sure he was hiding in some cave in South America. I mean, he still had songs come out after his death. This is as mysterious as the Boston Celtics being a 4th seed in the Eastern Conference with a losing record and a coach looking like he is in high school. 2Pac gave us his sentimental side when he recorded the song Dear Mama, but also had his quintessential gangster style of his bandana and more tattoos then Colin Kaepernick including his famous Thug Life tattoo. RIP 2Pac, during these fantasy playoffs, we all had to keep our head up!
Even after Adrian Peterson, Wes Welker and Gronk went down with injuries, their legacy lives on. Some of us lost the playoffs because we didn’t have you, some of us won because we played against someone who didn’t play you. But we can all say we were helped throughout our season because of you. For those of us that picked you instead of CJ Spiller, Trent Richardson or every other running back that Matthew Berry suggested, we feel like our relationship with you was fulfilled. Now that our team was without you though, we looked like the Lakers with Kobe back. Completely lost.
Dr. Dre/Still going at it:
He may not be rapping Nothing but a G Thang anymore, but since his rapping days, he’s given us Eminem and awesome headphones. Dre, along with Snoop Dogg, were the epitome of Westside hip hop. These days, Dre may be living in the suburbs of Los Angeles going to Morton’s Steakhouse every Friday like my parents (he has his own wine cellar there), but he still is going at it. He may not be in his hay day, but he still looks good, still working and still making money. He’s like the Michael Jordan of hip hop. MJ is still youthful rocking his signature ‘stache, making money doing Hanes commercials and just married a hot supermodel.
Still the stud is the one and only Jamaal Charles. After two touchdowns my sister Jenna texted and said 2 TD’s! She knew she was on her way to victory. Then it was 3, then 4, then 5! Sorry to Val and anyone else playing against Jamaal. Being that Jenna also played Seattle defense, she now has the same size ego of Kanye West and is calling herself the Yeezus of our fantasy football league. Val is now more upset then Dez Bryant, but at least she isn’t a total pansy because she didn’t cry!
Warren G/One hit wonder:
Regulatorssssss Mount Up! We all loved the G funk era and all know the words to Regulators, but Warren G never followed up with another hit like this one. It was this great song that was supposed to lead up to better things. Regulators is the Greg Oden of hip hop songs. He looked like a 40-year-old man coming out of college, but was still a baller. Instead, he’s now had more surgeries then Heidi Montag and never played a single good season.
The one hit wonder of the fantasy season was Jordan Cameron. After seeing him in training camp, we were sure he was going have a breakout season. In weeks 1-4, he looked like the next Gronk or Jimmy Graham. Then, he fell asleep more than Tony Romo this week. It is now obvious that Tony Romo’s approval rating in Dallas is worse than Obama. Yikes!
The Vikings. After Adrian Peterson was ruled officially inactive, I could have picked up Matt Asiata, the third string running back. But why would I do that? He’s no AP! I was way wrong! He ended up with three touchdowns and leading the Vikes to victory over the Eagles.
I, like every other fantasy loser, can’t play the woulda shoulda coulda game. But really, 3 touchdowns? Ok game on… Woulda picked up Asiata, shoulda benched Douglas and coulda won had it not been for my hangover induced mind choosing to play CJ Spiller. Next year, no drinking the night before the big game like apparently the entire Philadelphia defense did.
Denver Broncos Offense. Without Welker, we thought for sure Orange Julius, Decker and Demaryius Thomas would have great fantasy days. This was as disappointing as the only Kardashian marriage that I was rooting for breaking up. I know he’s a crack head (allegedly) but after seeing Khloe and Lamar on their reality TV show, I suddenly found myself rooting for a Kardashian marriage. On the flip side, after watching Kim’s first wedding to Kris Humphries I was not surprised by the breakup being that Kris has the personality of my iPhone. No offense Siri.
Eli Manning. Wonder how that Manning Christmas dinner is going to go. Archie: Peyton, you’re one of the best quarterbacks in the league, your team is favored to win the Super Bowl and you have another shot of being MVP. Nice job son. Eli, you threw 5 interceptions, your team is going downhill but at least you carve a damn good turkey. Maybe consider becoming a chef?
Since this season will be over next week, here are the names of our fantasy football league teams so that you can be jealous you’re not a part of it:
No Cops? Bring the Weeden
Forsett Down my Throat
Dick in my Butkus
Touchdown in the Bush
Kneeldown and T Blow me
I Give Good Woodhead
And yours truly… How my Vick Taste
Here’s to the Commish going down, but it’s on between Jenna and Tricia. Good luck ladies and know that this is the last fantasy football matchup for the next 251 days (I just shed a tear).
GIRLS WHO LIKE SPORTS = UNICORNS. HELP US FIND UNICORNS
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