Unicorns do exist. They come in the form of hot girls that love sports. We’ve got a resident unicorn on the Bacon Sports team and you can ask her whatever you’d like. Really, anything. That’s why we created “Ask a Sports Chick”.
Meet our unicorn, Taina. She is from Chicago and is currently battling a life-long sports addiction. She is a lover of all food and whiskey, and hater of the NFL offseason.
Q: You meet a guy that likes his steak well done and he likes creamy peanut butter. How do you see this relationship unfolding?
A: You’re down 10 points with 2 minutes left in the 4th and you’re facing the 8th best defense in the league. Steaks should be cooked medium- that is basically the law of America. Peanut butter I’m indifferent about because they are both delicious.
Q: If you somehow were going to date a professional athlete like Mark Sanchez, how much would performance on the field matter to you? Sure it’s sweet that they make millions of dollars and are on ESPN, but there’s nothing cool about your man throwing 3 INT’s and getting lambasted on National TV.
A: Best question ever. I’d never be able to date a football or basketball player simply because I care about those sports too much. It would be impossible for me to separate from my love of the sport and desire to win and have a relationship with someone who was ruining that for me.
My compromise would be a professional hockey player because although I love the shit out of the NHL, I think I would be able to see someone as an actual human being and not just an athlete. Plus, even the shittiest NHL players (don’t care about the Oilers but I’m looking at you Ryan Smyth) are better than dealing with Mark Sanchez getting paid to ruin my favorite sport of all time.
My exception for this is JJ Watt. He is the ultimate man and would never do anything less than perfect on or off the field, so I wouldn’t have to worry about it.
Q: I’ve been struggling to come up with a name for when you watch Sportscenter twice in a row. Any ideas?
A: SportsCOrgy. Take it or leave it, that’s all I got.
Q: Alex Rodriguez. Tell me why he’s so awesome and don’t cop out and say he isn’t.
A: On the scale of completely loving Alex, and living in Spain and not knowing what the MLB is, I’m about a 6 on the positive side. And for the record I am NOT a Yankees fan, I’m just pretty indifferent where as the rest of you are complete freak shows about it.
I understand the hate towards him (I GET IT), but he is such a modern era player. The game has changed and he is the new face of it. And don’t give me the roids and cheater argument, if we only knew how many more players were juicing, this wouldn’t even be news. Take a look at your NFL roster before you even talk about it. Also, in case you forgot– 23 grand slams. And I like his cocky attitude because he doesn’t owe any of us anything and if that is how he wants to be, then so be it. Plus, he is super attractive.
Side note: I do think his contract is one of the biggest mistakes in the MLB. So if we were to talk about the money involved, that’s a different discussion.
Q: True to Bacon Sports, give us three random athletes. You best not be bringing weak sauce and say something like Joakim Noah or Derrick Rose.
A: I’m going to go all basketball on this one
- Stephen Howard- DePaul University graduate what upppp
- Latrell Sprewell
- The one and only Mr. Kenny Anderson
Q: Tell me you’ve got a story about how a guy has tried to pick you up via Facebook or Twitter? If not what’s the rules on trying to pick up a honey via Facebook and what are some tips for success?
A: I’ve never had a super creepy Twitter experience, so please FOR THE LOVE OF GOD do not ruin that for me.
Facebook is haven for huge creeps. Shout out to Mark Zuckerberg for letting me change my privacy settings so losers have to actually know me before they send me an embarrassing message. Worst story was probably when this guy messaged me and said I was “more pretty than sunshine.” What does that mean? I didn’t respond. He sent another the next day saying “hey girl”. I didn’t respond. And then the next day he said “you’re not that cute anyway I don’t even care.”
There are much worse out there, but basically the moral of the story is don’t be an idiot. But hitting on girls is much more acceptable on social media when you are under 15. The rule to picking up chicks via social media is: you are an adult, so please enter real life mode and try to hit on people face to face.
Q: If you were one of the female characters on Saved by the Bell who would it be and why?
A: Tori Scott because she was the badass new girl at Bayside (minus her breaking up with Zack Morris for being ‘sexist’ because there would NEVER be a reason to break up with Zack Morris. Ever).
Q: Do you think Thibs has a voice right now? And does he run his players into the ground because he has no kids to abuse?
A: No voice ever. Thibs has a permanent case of laryngitis. And time out for a quick rant—He is the ultimate coach. No wife. No kids. He literally dedicates his entire life to his team and to the sport. I have the upmost respect for him as a coach. Would kids help him not run players into the ground? No. Because kids are the worst. They wouldn’t contribute anything positive to the team, they would only take away his focus.
Q: Who has a better year, Kyle Rudolph or Martellus Bennett?
A: This is a pretty tough question. Kyle Rudolph is a great athlete. He hasn’t been much of a game changer in the past, but he is entering his third season and has improved every year. Minnesota isn’t working with a ton of WR threats so I think Rudolph will have to transition into becoming one of them. However, when Christian Ponder is your QB I have little faith. Sorry, Vikings fans. I just think that Ponder will be average at best and inconsistent as usual, and that will impact Rudolph.
Martellus could be the perfect fit for the Bears. Kellen Davis had a rough time as our tight end and Bennett is bringing in the right amount of talent to open up our offense. Marshall is going to love having another offensive threat and Jay is going to love having another target. His catch percentage isn’t gold, but he is effective, and while the team is in a transition mode this year, his ability to block only adds to the package. So in my opinion, Martellus wins this battle as having the better year.
Also, he is an AWESOME Twitter follow: @MartysaurusRex
Bacon + Beer + Sports = the Greatest Celebration to ever hit Chicago. Get ready to have your mind blown!
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