Unicorns do exist. They come in the form of hot girls that love sports. We’ve got a resident unicorn on the Bacon Sports team and you can ask her whatever you’d like. Really, anything. That’s why we created “Ask a Sports Chick”.
Meet our unicorn, Taina. She is from Chicago and is currently battling a life-long sports addiction. She is a lover of all food and whiskey, and hater of the NFL offseason.
Q. Chicks wearing hats can be really hot. It can also be incredibly unattractive when they don’t know how to properly wear one. What determines if you are going to be a hat rocking chick and what are the scenarios in which you’ll wear one?
A. The rules to wearing a hat as a female without overdoing it are simple: no heels because this is not LA- we have actual minds that are capable of making decisions, no excessive makeup, no playing dumb whens someone asks you about the associated team. Further rules for girls: wear during day drinking, especially at a patio/rooftop/outdoor bar. Don’t wear trucker hats, ever, because it is no longer 2005. And buy a hat that fits you, not one made for a 6 year old, and not one made for a huge Scottish man.
Oh, and remember the rule about no pink jerseys, also NO PINK HATS.
Q. How do you determine which jersey you are going to buy?
A. In an ideal world, I would have enough money to buy every single jersey that I want. This world sucks, so that isn’t the case. I manage to buy approximately one jersey a year.
In regards to the NFL, some players, like JJ Watt, you just need that jersey because let’s be serious he is not human. So in that case the team doesn’t matter. Otherwise, I need some assurance that they won’t be released (because Nike made this much more difficult with their asshole prices). Once a player gets that franchise tag, I take it as a good time to buy. I review stats of my top 3 choices and how I feel about them personally, and make my decision based on all-the-above.
Basketball is a bit different, I’ll buy your jersey if I love your talent, love watching you play, and if you aren’t a Pacer.
Q. Do girls suck at pool on purpose? Any time I’m shooting some stick at a bar and I play with a girl they are worse than Dwight Howard is at shooting free throws. The only exception is a chick that grew up with a pool table.
A. Will you all hate me if I said I suck at pool? I even grew up with a pool table. And I still suck. I ACTUALLY TRY. And I still suck. But the difference is I don’t attempt to play, even hammered at Boss Bar at 4am, I don’t even look at that dark corner of a pool table. Because I don’t want to look like a complete moron.
Solution: don’t ever ask girls to play pool. Ever. Under no circumstances. Sexist? Maybe. Socially acceptable rule of thumb? Yes.
Q. Is Nascar a sport?
A. My heart is telling me no on this one. But rednecks are crazy and I don’t trust them, so let’s make this answer a yes.
Q. Do girls love hangover sex as much as guys do? There’s no better way, sans Gatorade, to get over a hangover than practicing making babies after a long night of boozin.
A. The short answer is yes.
If it is a random, try to get the hang-bang (I just made that up and it is awesome) in before you both realize you don’t know who you’re laying next to. If it’s too late for that, when she tries to act cute and asks if you even remember her name (and you don’t), ask her if she remembers yours. She doesn’t. And now you can be idiots together.
When she is a regular, there is a 93% (I did research, probably) chance that she loves it unless she is a total pain in the ass. Go for it.
Q. So this sounds highly impossible, but there are girls out there existing in the world that just aren’t into or don’t get the concept of sports. (I know, ridiculous right?) Regardless, say a guy was interested in pursuing or dating one of these girls. Are there any effective ways of converting a girl who’s a “sports virgin” into a “stat spouting, jersey wearing sports freak”?
A. Your goal should be to get her from “sports virgin” to “letting you watch the game without interruptions and knowing the names of a few starters.” It sounds really mean, but girls without the sports gene really don’t care and have no reason to. The only reasons I have had some of my female friends gain interests or ask me for ‘updates’ is when they want to avoid feeling dumb on a date or out. So they fake general sports knowledge to get by in conversation (not the only thing they fake).
If you are trying to date her, take her to a game. Let her dress up and make her buy a shirt (NOT A PINK SHIRT!). Be patient with her and tell her a few cool things about the game or team. At the end of the day, if you genuinely showed her a good time and she still isn’t into it, then I would say she may be hopeless.
If she ends up being hopeless, it isn’t your fault. Pat yourself on the back for trying! Chances are she just didn’t have a childhood and failed at becoming an adult.
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