Unicorns do exist. They come in the form of hot girls that love sports. We’ve got a resident unicorn on the Bacon Sports team and you can ask her whatever you’d like. Really, anything. That’s why we created “Ask a Sports Chick”.
Meet our unicorn, Taina. She is from Chicago and is currently battling a life-long sports addiction. She is a lover of all food and whiskey, and hater of the NFL offseason.
Q: If given the Stanley Cup for a day, what would you do with it?
A: Everything. Here are my top choices if I have to narrow it down:
1. Turn It into a margarita glass with salt along the rim. Drink five before noon.
2. Fly to Boston (with ample security) and taunt their horrible fans for an hour.
3. Stop in Detroit on the way back and taunt them too because why not.
4. Incorporate The Cup in a Maxim style photo shoot. Sell to men. Get famous.
5. Because I’m an asshole, I’d charge people $5 for pictures with It.
6. Get a prime table at a super famous club for ONLY The Cup and I. No one else is allowed near us or with us. No one. Proceed to get hammered.
7. Have someone take a series of photos of me getting punched in the face by Duncan Keith while holding The Cup. If I don’t break a bone, make him punch me again.
8. Tell Andrew Shaw he can have it back if he takes me on a date.
Q: Is there a female equivalent of the playoff beard? and if so, are you going to miss yours?
A: If there is, I don’t know what it would be because that just sounds gross. BUT let me take this moment to say that I am truly going to miss all the beautiful playoff beards Chicago has brought into my life this season. It has been an amazing ride. Thank you guys for letting them grow, and please don’t wait until November to do it again because I’m not kidding when I say you all look so much better with beards.
Until we meet again…
Q: I drank my weight in Jameson and ate my weight in summer sausage, how did you celebrate the Stanley Cup victory?
A: What a magnificent game. How did that even happen? I’m still on a high. My friends immediately celebrated by buying several bottles of champagne that were drank/sprayed on the street corner. We also shared them with strangers (and a few dogs because who am I to discriminate?). Then we proceeded to walk north where we ran into the infamous Stanley Cup riots of 2013. Almost to Addison and the Cops turned thousands of people around, to which they proceeded to ruin everything on their walk south. There were dozens of storefront windows smashed open, things set on fire, parked cars destroyed, dumpsters overturned. It was just a disaster.
Do I really have to remind you people that this is not Philly? Because THIS IS NOT PHILLY.
(Editors note: if you want to see what really went down in Wrigleyville then check out the video footage we captured. Peeps be going crazy)
Q: Help!!! The NBA Finals and the NHL playoffs are over, how should I pass the time until football season?
A: This is by far the worst time of the year. But don’t fret, training camps start in about four weeks. FOUR WEEKS. This is the only time we have to get our shit together and prep for a crazy football season.
Personally, this is the time of year where I research which jersey to purchase for the fall. I also do other things, like not being a constant drunk, trying to eat something other than fried food or pizza, and I call my parents.
Q: Is Chris Berman’s schtick still fresh or is it tired?
A: Want to know what I think about Boomer? Nothing. I’m indifferent about him because I know he is solely a personality for the networks. I don’t think he can tell me anything I can’t figure out on my own, which means he contributes nothing to my life, therefore, I don’t think anything of him. He is used and abused as a sportscaster, but I would argue there are worse out there so whatever.
Q: You meet a guy and he isn’t a fan of koozies. How do you react and what else do you assume is wrong with him?
A: I would probably laugh at his face and make him explain himself. How do you not like koozies? What are you doing with your life? Then I walk away. In addition, I immediately assume he hates freedom and happiness. And all those associated with him with be judged similarly.
Q: What’s the worst pickup attempt someone has thrown at you?
A: There are two different types of bad pickup lines. Please reference both situations below. These pickup lines are real. My reactions are also very real.
Type 1) Not funny and just straight embarrassing:
Dude: “Do you have a twin sister?” “No.” “Then you are the most beautiful girl in the world.”
Me: (Hating life in every way possible.) “You are the worst. That was horrible.”
Type 2) The hilariously bad pickup line that works:
Dude: “Did you fall from heaven because have sex with me.”
Me: (I die laughing. We drink.)
Both are bad, but one is funny. See how that works? And if you are too scared to use either type, always remember the best pickup line ever: “Here’s a shot.”
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