Unicorns do exist. They come in the form of hot girls that love sports. We’ve got a resident unicorn on the Bacon Sports team and you can ask her whatever you’d like. Really, anything. That’s why we created “Ask a Sports Chick”.
Meet our unicorn, Taina. She is from Chicago and is currently battling a life-long sports addiction. She is a lover of all food and whiskey, and hater of the NFL offseason.
Also, don’t forget to check out Rob and Taina’s weekly Fresh n Stunna Podcast. They dish sports absurdity with a random goofiness unlike anyone else.
Q: How often do you get free drinks from guys at the bar? Do you feel any sort of obligation to talk to said dude for more than the drink lasts or can you bounce within the first minute or two if he’s lame? Also, do you ever lead a guy on and keep going back to the well to get free drinks even though you have zero intensions of closing the deal with him?
A: I know I totally come off like a bitchy, brutally honest and miserable person, but when you first meet me I’m honestly not too bad. I get free drinks fairly often but I can’t take all the credit– it doesn’t hurt that I have really good looking female friends. There is no real ‘rule’ on talking to guys who buy you drinks, but I figure the guy who bought me a drink is already more interesting than the others, so it’s worth a conversation throughout the drink at least. If I had no interest in someone at all, there is absolutely no way I’d be using them for free drinks all night long. That is mean and cheap and girls who do things like that are ruining the world. Be nice, ladies.
Oh and let me be clear, guys aren’t fighting over me. I’m not in demand or anything. Usually after two drinks guys don’t want to talk to me anymore anyway. Because once the sports world comes up (which doesn’t take long considering I have a Bulls phone case and JJ Watt lock screen photo), I’m painfully oblivious to manners and acting like a normal girl, which is typically a huge turn off for dudes if they don’t know me.
Q: The Steelers looked like barf on Sunday. I can’t imagine that this is the way you hoped their season would start out. As a Browns fan I couldn’t be happier, especially after reading your column last week. Is this the start of a big time decline for the Steelers and what do you think their final record will be?
A: You aren’t kidding. We looked worse than Metta World Peace after a 6 day, post-championship bender. And you’re a Browns’ fan, how exciting, but that doesn’t contribute anything to this conversation. I’m realistic and reality showed us that we have a large amount of work to do throughout the year. The only difference is that it’s a transitional phase for us, not a transitional decade like it’s been for you (burn). Just kidding, I couldn’t care less about our claimed ‘rivalry’. If you aren’t the Ravens (which I guess you are in a way…?) then I don’t care.
Anyway, I don’t think it is a ‘big time’ decline, although there are a few things that have my attention. The injury bug has hit us hard, and with Ben still transitioning and adjusting to the gem of a man that is Todd Haley, it means that we are taking another step back until our offensive line and RB situation is stable. With that being said, Ben is 31 years old and we aren’t talking a Tom Brady 31 either. Every single year, Ben has taken more hits than Snoop Dogg on 4/20 (I mean he got sacked SIX times on Sunday- it’s absurd). My point is that we will only get a couple more good seasons out of him, so if there is a time where things need to align in order for him to be successful, that time is now.
And side note- what the hell were these guys doing in training camp? I know sometimes injuries just happen, but my God, it looks like these guys haven’t played full contact since last December.
Lastly, I do not predict records for the season because I’m superstitious and I think it puts an unnecessary energy into the NFL world. With that being said, I don’t think it will be pretty. Cincinnati will win the AFC North and Baltimore will come in second.
Q: Tell us a good story about a dude crying in your presence.
A: Dudes are not allowed to cry in my presence 99% of the time because I don’t cry. I think the only two times I saw dudes cry in front of me were: Derrick Rose getting injured and the Blackhawks winning the Cup in less than 17 seconds. Both situations are acceptable considering the circumstances.
Q: Girls are all crazy. It’s a matter of what level of crazy a girl is. Tell us about one of your crazy girlfriends and something nuts that she’s done.
A: There are a lot of different types of crazy, both for males and females. Dudes do not get a pass on being crazy. My close girlfriends aren’t particularly crazy besides drinking escapades, because I don’t really associate with people that are actually bat shit crazy. But there is always that one girl you knew in college…
There was a girl who lived on my floor when I was a freshman who was unbelievably obsessed with her boyfriend who went to IU. She was a year older than I, but I’m pretty sure she was actually 13. One night, she walked into my room while she was on her cell phone and it sounded all sorts of suspicious. She hung up and started telling me that she was finally going to get proof he was cheating (for the record: no one cared). I, because I’m such a nice person, asked why. She told me she paid a friend’s roommate at IU (who was already friends with him) to make a move on him. Let me repeat: she paid a girl she wasn’t close to, but was friends with her boyfriend, to make a move on him to prove that he was cheating on her. What kind of sense does that make? The story ends with her finding out that he “turned her down” which made her happy. But let me tell you, I saw a picture of the bait, and there is no way he didn’t jump on it. I’m convinced they hooked up, she told him about his girlfriend’s plan, and they decided to keep it a secret from her. Case closed.
Q: Someone offers you $125,000 to not watch or follow any sports for one year. This means no reading, watching, listening, or talking to people about it. You can’t even be in the same room that sports is on TV for fear of you accidentally catching a glimpse. Your friends all know that this is going on and have made a pact to not talk about sports around you. Do you take the offer? If so, how much lower would you have gone? If not what’s the price?
A: No way in hell I take or even consider that offer. Offer me $500,000 and we’ll talk.
Q: Who is on your sports Mount Rushmore? What about your “least favorite athletes” Mount Rushmore?
A: What is the point of the real Mount Rushmore? I don’t know why it exists. And who had the time to do that? How much money did they make? I have so many questions.
My sports Mount Rushmore includes some gems. Michael Jordan (of course), Jerome Bettis, Walter Payton, Kobe Bryant. I don’t think any of these need explaining.
My “least favorite athletes” Mount Rushmore includes: Tyler Hansbrough (of course), Ray Lewis, Kevin Garnett, Terrell Owens. Ray Lewis and Kevin Garnett are very athletic, but I hate them as athletes for fairly obvious reasons (obnoxious, dirty, don’t own up to anything, cry too much, murder, etc.). Tyler is just an extremely overrated, emotional train wreck and I hate him. And don’t even get me started on Terrell Owens.
Q: Give us three random athletes all from the world of football.
A: Reggie White, Terrell Davis, Eddie George.
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