Unicorns do exist. They come in the form of hot girls that love sports. We’ve got a resident unicorn on the Bacon Sports team and you can ask her whatever you’d like. Really, anything. That’s why we created “Ask a Sports Chick”.
Meet our unicorn, Taina. She is from Chicago and is currently battling a life-long sports addiction. She is a lover of all food and whiskey, and hater of the NFL offseason.
Q: Do you mind if a guy recalls baseball stats to stave off from busting early in the sack? Have you ever caught a guy doing this? Is there a female equivalent?
A: I’ve never caught a guy doing this but I’ve heard stories. I find it fascinating and awesome. It would be 75x better if it were NBA/NHL/NFL related, because as a Cubs fan I have broken up with the MLB until further notice. So no, I don’t mind at all.
Please keep in mind that stats/sports are my favorite thing in the entire universe. If we are talking about normal chicks, they may not find it amusing.
Rule of thumb: If you know how she cheers, you’re in the clear. If you don’t know at all, don’t recall.
Q: Have you ever thought about creating an all female lawn mowing service? What would your marketing/pitch be?
A: Not a lawn mowing service. But last summer I moved into my apartment with no help. It was just me and two (female) friends, on a 90 degree July day, carrying mattresses up two flights of stairs. So I thought of creating an all female moving service. The mover chicks would wear shorts and sports bras and move your furniture into your place. A keg is included in the cost so you can also get drunk on Coors Lights while sitting back and enjoying the view.
Brilliant, right? Potential name: Six Boobs, a Keg, and a Truck
Q: What song would you come up to bat to if you were a baseball player and why?
A: God Bless the USA. Americans like baseball, and they also like that song a lot. The stadium would turn into a party in a matter of seconds and I would be America’s favorite baseball player even if I sucked. Win-win.
Q: Rocking a hat in a non-sports bar on a Friday or Saturday night as a dude. Fair or Foul?
A: Fair, but don’t complain if you don’t get laid that night. It’s only a foul if you happen to be wearing the hat of a team that everyone collectively hates or feels bad for. And fair warning: you will run into assholes like me every once in a while. If I find out you are in a Yankees/Heat/Packers hat and you have never even been to the city, your ass is mine. And not in a good way.
Q: What do you think about a guy who orders a round of kamikaze shots? How about Jamo?
A: Jamo is a solid option even though I’m convinced it tastes like cyanide. No judgment on this one.
Kamikaze shots are delicious but they are like making Nate Robinson your starter. You never know what shit you will get into. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. Guys who order kamikaze shots are basically giving off the impression that they want to get buck ass wild. Warn your group ahead of time, please.
As a precaution, they should be reserved for a night in which you are mentally prepared to wake up in a different state without your cell phone next to a girl covered in glitter.
Q: What is the sexiest thing a man can do while playing sports (we are talking regular dudes, not pro athletes)? Behind the back pass?
A: Um, NOT act like complete pretentious assholes, that’s what. And can we just read that question again? “…sexiest thing a man can do while playing sports.” If you are trying to be sexy while playing sports then the girls you are going to impress are the ones who don’t even know what sport you’re playing.
Do you watch Always Sunny? (If the answer is no, you fail at life.) Do you know how Mac is always trying to show off his karate moves even though he has never taken one single karate class? That is how you will look.
Approximately 73% of the male population has some sort of athletic ability (I made this up, but roll with it). If you were a professional, you wouldn’t be in a summer league with a bunch of drunks regardless of how much of a blast it is. Just have fun. Girls like fun.
OTHER ARTICLES YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE: