Unicorns do exist. They come in the form of hot girls that love sports. We’ve got a resident unicorn on the Bacon Sports team and you can ask her whatever you’d like. Really, anything. That’s why we created “Ask a Sports Chick”.
Meet our unicorn, Taina. She is from Chicago and is currently battling a life-long sports addiction. She is a lover of all food and whiskey, and hater of the NFL offseason.
Q: Which is the better way to eat food: taco or sandwich?
A: First things first, English. The wording of this question is the worst. But to answer your question, sandwich-style foods are much easier to eat, but tacos are more delicious. So this question isn’t even fair.
Q: With Theo Epstein running the ship do you think the Cubs will make it to the World Series within the next 5 seasons?
A: Fun story. The Cubs and Sox were playing each the other day and no one in my personal circle even knew or cared because everyone in Chicago hates their teams this year.
To answer your question, no. I’m a realistic person. Theo has a job that is close to impossible. Right now, instead of putting all his eggs into one basket, he is basically investing in multiple and mainly international and teenaged options with the hope that a star will be found. He is at least trying, right?
I watch the Pirates this year and a small glimmer of hope appears in my soul. Maybe, just maybe, there will come a time that the Cubs improve just enough year after year to be one of the best teams in the league and compete for a playoff spot. I have hope that Theo has a plan in mind, but no one will know if it works until it starts working.
Moral of the story: baseball is sad.
Q: 99.9% of guys think that Kate Upton is a bombshell that we can’t get enough of. What do chicks think about her?
A: Kate Upton is gorgeous and I hate her. How are you 21? How does that make sense?
I think the fascination/jealousy girls have with Kate is the fact that she is kind of (don’t kill me) totally normal looking. She’s physically flawless, yes. But her face is pretty comparable to the above average blonde you find on a night out. So girls either love her for that, or hate her for being kind of normal looking because they “don’t get it.” The girls who “don’t get it” probably forgot about these things called boobs.
Q: Dudes crying. Tell me you’ve got some good stories.
A: I do not make people cry. I’m all about the laughs. The only time I EVER made a guy cry (that I know of) was in high school. I was basically an asshole and when the gym classes would run laps around the building I would hang out of the classroom windows and yell profanities at them. One kid tried to challenge me and it didn’t end well for him. And it’s actually not that funny now that I look back at it. Sorry, kid. Hope all is well.
BUT the best dude crying story ever is from a friend of mine. The guy she was talking to had cats. Like… multiple cats. And one of them passed away. And he just completely lost his shit. She said she didn’t even know how to respond because he was an emotional disaster for weeks. Unbelievable people exist in this world.
Q: If you are starting an NBA franchise who would you rather have on your team: Dwight Howard or Joakim Noah? Assume that there are no other players on the roster yet and you’ll have to fill them out after you make your selection.
A: Joakim Noah. Reasons are as follows:
1. Dwight has proven himself as a player. He CAN be super talented when he isn’t bitching about everything else and having his Dad make statements to the media about how great he is. He has also proven that he is a ginormous drama queen. He could negatively impact the rest of the team since he acts like a 6’11” Regina George. He would have to be the biggest star and get all the attention. So you’re limited with the rest of your roster.
2. Noah is all about the hard work. He gives zero shits about anyone or anything besides his teammates and winning games. Love him or hate him (and I know a lot of you non-Bulls fans hate him), he is hands down one of the most passionate players in the league. He is a great team player so you could be flexible with the rest of your squad. Plus, he LOVES to party. So that’s cool.
Q: Does making my burgers out of turkey now make me less of a man?
A: A little bit. But turkey burgers are delicious too! As long as you don’t resort to veggie burgers and/or no cheese I think you’re still considered a manly man. Good job at trying to be healthy and stuff.
Q: Can the Nets jump the Bulls and Pacers with the moves they are making?
A: The question is: will Jason Kidd be able to develop an offense that gives all five stars an opportunity to shine and that maximizes each of their talents? If not, this could go nowhere fast. If Kidd can make something work, the Nets would be able to put up a fight against my Bulls. But, with a healthy Derrick, eager Jimmy Butler, (hopefully) a healthy Joakim, and whoever else survives the roster all summer, I think the Bulls would be able to top Brooklyn. Also, there is this one God we have named TOM THIBODEAU.
Not sure if something could be put together quickly enough for Brooklyn to jump the Pacers. They have a plan that has been working for a few years now. Although, I confess that I’m really looking forward to
Tyler Hansbrough (just signed by the Raptors) getting owned by both Brooke Lopez and Kevin Garnett in one night.
Bacon + Beer + Sports = the Greatest Celebration to ever hit Chicago. Get ready to have your mind blown!
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