Ask A Sports Chick: Why Nice Guys Finish Last, Custom Jerseys, and a Game of F, Marry, Kill

sports-chicks-chunk Unicorns do exist. They come in the form of girls that love sports. We’ve got a resident unicorn on the Bacon Sports team and you can ask her whatever you’d like. Really, anything. That’s why we created “Ask a Sports Chick”.

Meet our unicorn, Taina. She is from Chicago and is currently battling a life-long sports addiction. She is a lover of all food and whiskey, and hater of the NFL offseason.

You can submit your “Ask a Sports Chick” questions here or you can tweet them to @TainaMolina. We’ll be doing this as a weekly piece every Thursday so we definitely want to hear what you’ve got.

Also, don’t forget to check out Rob and Taina’s weekly Fresh n Stunna Podcast. They dish sports absurdity with a random goofiness unlike anyone else.

Q: Sports Chick, I have one simple question: why do nice guys finish last? We all know it’s true, so don’t say otherwise, but give us a real reason so we can stop trying to figure it out ourselves.

A: Nice guys finish last because girls don’t know what they want. We complain about dudes not taking initiative, but then once they do, we say they are too clingy. We say we don’t want to date, but then the minute a guy we like starts dating someone else, we go bat shit crazy. We say we just want a nice, good-looking guy, but then when he moves too slow we friend zone his ass. It’s an ongoing cycle of nonsense and I think it’s only fair that we are honest about it. So if other girls aren’t honest about it, consider me being honest enough for all of them.

Nice guys don’t finish last because they’re nice. Nice guys finish last because most girls are assholes in their own unique way (see myself as exhibit #1). But to our defense, there are also a lot of asshole dudes. So if you don’t have a male dominated brain like myself, it may be a little harder to separate the good from the bad, ya know?

Q: Rank the hair of the following NFL players: Mark Sanchez, Troy Polamalu, Tom Brady.

A: Troy Polamalu, Tom Brady, Mark Sanchez.

Q: What are your views on custom jerseys? I don’t mean getting a player on the roster who doesn’t have a mass-produced jersey, I mean what are your views on getting your last name or a nickname of some sort on your team’s jersey? I think it blows. Like really hard.

A: Having a custom jersey blows harder than beginning the season 0-4 (I’m bitter). If you aren’t an infant or friends with morons, you should not own a custom jersey. It doesn’t make any sense to me. You aren’t on the team, and actually, you probably don’t even know half of your roster. So why would you possibly think that you deserve to have your name or nickname on the back of an organization’s uniform? You support the team that is real life and not some ideology mindset you have.

Q: I’m a baseball player, so more often than not I dip, but I’ve noticed most girls don’t like it What are your thoughts? Should I kick my habit to find a girl?

A: Dipping is gross, but I get it and it doesn’t really bother me. I don’t think you should kick your habit to find a girl, I think you should kick your habit so you don’t get this gem called mouth cancer. As long you aren’t a noticeable dipper (i.e. carry a water bottle or cup around in public filled with disgusting, warm, brown spit), then it shouldn’t be a huge issue with someone unless you like… are in love with them or whatever. Which I’m guessing you aren’t considering you want to a find a girl. DIP ON.

Q: Last week I noticed you played Would You Rather, this week let’s play F*** Marry Kill.

An avocado, John Candy, Chunk from the Goonies

F***: an avocado (they’re delicious but I can’t be committed to them for every meal, ya know?), Marry: Chunk from the Goonies, Kill: John Candy (Sorry Jon, I love you and your movies but I just can’t do this).

Mila Kunis, Kristen Stewart, Kate Beckinsale

F***: Mila Kunis, Marry: Kate Beckinsale, Kill: Kristen Stewart (Obviously. Because she is literally the worst.)

Ray Lewis, Jim Irsay, David Stern

This is a tough one…. F***: Ray Lewis (BARF), Marry: David Stern, Kill: Jim Irsay (Another obvious answer. Although I’m sure Ray would do this for me since he is into that kind of thing.)

Q: I know you’re a Bulls fan so you’re probably biased, but what are your thoughts on Michael Jordan saying he could beat LeBron in his prime? I love Michael, but I don’t know if I’m buying that.

A: Michael Jordan is the King of my life. But here is my issue with the entire statement. MJ and LeBron are completely different players. They both play the game differently, have different dominant skill sets, have different leadership personalities, different in size… and I cannot stand, CANNOT STAND, this debate between who is better. It’s comparing apples to potatoes. I know it’s bound to happen since LeBron is also unbelievably talented and amazing, but my God, give it up. Stats are only stats.

To answer the question, LeBron’s defense is amazing and he is massive. I think he has 2″ – 3″ on MJ and about 40 lbs of solid muscle. When Michael was in his prime, he was able to do the unthinkable. So of course, I think there could be a chance that he could take LeBron one-on-one. But being the realistic fan that I am, I know LeBron would make him fight his ass of for it a win. It’s a different game than it was, and they’re different players. The debate makes no sense.

Side note: comparing MJ with Kobe based on how they play the game would make much more sense because as MJ said, he ‘stole’ his moves, and they are much more comparable in size. But whatever, what do I know…

I will settle this right now: Michael Jordan will always be the ultimate King. That is not and will never be the question.