Sports

Average Joe of the Week: Scot Pollard

By December 13, 2012 No Comments
Scot Pollard

Scot PollardThis weeks Average Joe is Scot Pollard. A hard working, defensive minded off-the-wall forward who spurned the Mormon family religion, told kids to do drugs, and called Facebook gay not caring what others thought. Let’s take a trip to Planet Pollard to remember our goofy friend Scot Pollard, who speaks his mind like Chuck Barkley and had more bizarre mop styles than Dennis Rodman or Drew Gooden.

From the day he was born, Pollard has always been a freak. He was introduced into the world at an unbelievable 24 inches and 13lbs, 8 oz, automatically putting him in the same backcourt as Muggsy Bogues and Spud Webb. Spurning the Mormon family religion he tatted himself up with “Son of Poison” on his back, showing rebellion even Pacman Jones would be proud of. Playing college ball he found the love of his life and proposed to her in front of 16,000 fans at Midnight Madness. And why wouldn’t he when he found a chick to paint his finger and toe nails, as well as suggest his hairstyles. Oh what, you don’t paint your nails?

Scot was drafted in 1997 number 19 overall, ahead of ballers Serge Zwikker and God Shammgod. He was never the scoring threat posting a career stat line of 4.4 points and 4.6 boards, sadly this bested human giant Manute Bol. His eleven year career started out slowly with the Detroit Pistons but got notoriety when he was traded to the Atlanta Hawks and then was cut a month later without suiting up at all, a personnel move even Michael Jordan would scratch his head at. He was a tough nosed front line enforcer who provided veteran leadership and had his best days with the Sacramento Kings(taking Hedo Turkoglu Thanksgiving shopping) and Indiana Pacers. Not surprisingly he was able to make his way into the Malice at the Palace to cement his bad boy status. He finally landed a championship ring in 2008 with Boston. How Pollard has a ring and Karl Malone and Charles Barkley do not is harder to explain than trading Kobe Bryant for Vlade Divac straight up.

Pollard had the zaniest of haircuts that looked like he was from a different planet. Early in his career he modeled a porn-star pony tail that would seem like a conservative buzz cut compared to his future cuts. He decided that every year he would try out a new style, and by style I mean something that looked worse than when Drew Gooden shaved his head and had a patch of hair on the back of his head. Among the more notable barbershop favorites were the mohawk, spiked hair, mutton chops, mustaches, and this – whatever you would call it. The style and grace would lead to Scot landing an endorsement deal with….Fun Dip! This is just as odd as Jake Delhomme endorsing BoJangles Fried Chicken.

The scrappy, hustling Pollard was not shy on the court and was certainly open off the court as well. During a timeout Planet Pollard looked into a camera he thought was off and said “Hey kids, do drugs”. Bravo, even Chuck Barkley thinks you are not a role model. He wrote an article on his website titled “Facebook is gay”. He explains how it is Myspace for adults and also goes on to use the word “retard”. Anytime Pollard has an open arena to speak his mind, he is more on fire than Gary Payton and Shawn Kemp in NBA Jam. Here’s hoping to Pollard finding a permanent color analyst gig in the near future, we need you!

The next time you are at the tattoo parlor or getting that fresh fade at the barbershop, stop and think, WWAJSPD – What would Average Joe Scot Pollard do? My guess is something that your parents would not approve of.

-This was written by Tom Hamm

Rob Cressy

Rob Cressy

Sports loving free throw specialist and yinzer living in Chicago who is awesome most of the time, has run with the bulls in Spain, and is a graduate of Second City's Improv program.