Baseball movies are the best. Seriously, I dare you to name one baseball movie that sucks. Fine, “Summer Catch” happened, but other than that, there are very few black marks on the collective resume of baseball flicks.
Hollywood has created some iconic baseball players, but when it comes down to it, which of these characters would you actually want in your 9-man starting lineup? Here’s my starting lineup, comprised entirely of fictional baseball players:
Starting Pitcher: “Nuke” LaLoosh, Bull Durham
Besides having one of the greatest names in cinematic history, this dude has great stuff. Once he finds his command, the sky’s the limit. I definitely considered Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn and Chet Steadman for this one, but one’s a fluke and the other’s a has been. There’s no way their dominance would be sustainable.
Catcher: Dottie Hinson, A League of their Own
This one may come as a shock to you, but if you think it over, which fictional catcher was more of a superstar than Dottie? I mean, she was the Queen of Diamonds! Not to mention her OPS must have been off the charts. Did she even hit singles? Sure, a case could be made for Jake Taylor, but I don’t trust those rickety old knees.
First Baseman: Jefferson Albert Tibbs, Hardball
No, Jackie Robinson is not eligible. He’s not a fictional player. Thus, I select my favorite young Prince Fielder look-a-like. This kid’s adorbs and has enough pop in his bat to hit 25 for my club.
Second Baseman: Marla Hooch, A League of their Own
The second and final female on this list, Marla is the best pure power hitter in the game. We’ll be playing a lot of night games to avoid people seeing her face.
Shortstop: Yeah Yeah, The Sandlot
He was slick with the glove. Just saying.
Third Base: Roger Dorn, Major League
Who doesn’t love Corbin Bernsen’s “olé” fielding in “Major League?” Not the best with the glove, but dude hit like crazy. I’ll take that OBP any day.
Right Field: Roy Hobbs, The Natural
Duh. The guy literally tore the cover off the ball.
Center Field: Willie Mays Hayes, Major League
Say hey! As much as I wanted to give the nod to All the Way Mae, Willie simply has better range in center. Plus, I just love me some Snipes. Stop committing tax fraud and do more movies already! (Editors Note: always bet on black)
Left Field: Kelly Leak, Bad News Bears
His Harley-Davidson-riding, cig-smoking self fits right in with this motley crew. Dude’s got major game.
If I were an MLB GM, and I had to build an elite roster out of fictional movie players, those are the nine I’d choose to rep my city on Opening Day. There’s no scenario in which I don’t pick Jimmy Dugan as my manager, too. Every club house needs a manager who falls asleep during games and shows up absolutely hammered. We’re going to the ‘ship!