As you can imagine, since the Chicago Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup, demand for memorabilia has been pretty high. So high, in fact, that the team has recently gone beyond the standard championship shirts and hats, adding a new memento for fans. They are now selling the ice from their Stanley Cup run.
Yes, they are selling water. Frozen water.
All of the proceeds go to charity, so we can’t totally condemn them as heartless capitalists tricking stupid fans. Still, it got me thinking about what other stupid crap championship teams should be selling to their fan bases. Below are our ideas for ads teams need to be running now.
Baltimore Ravens (2013 Super Bowl Champions) – Lighting Equipment from the Superdome [note: does not work]
Ravens fans, is there any better way to celebrate your team’s championship than a piece of the faulty lighting equipment from the Superdome? Long after people forget the score, or even who played, everyone who watched that game will remember the 34-minute power outage created by this equipment, and you could own a slice of that memory. Order now, and make sure you get some of the only memorable part of Super Bowl XLVII.
San Francisco Giants (2012 and ’10 World Series Winners) – Brian Wilson Closer Beard Hair Clippings
Remember the Giants championship runs of 2010 and 2012 with a lock of facial hair from the team’s lockdown closers. In 2010, San Francisco and the world fell in love with bushy-bearded Brian Wilson. When he went down early in 2012, Sergio Romo stepped right in, in both the closer spot and impressive facial hair department. Something about an overgrown black beard just seems to equal saves in the City by the Bay. Now, for a limited time, a piece of that follicle magic can be yours. Grab your strands of Giants history, today, because it doesn’t look like this time is going to win anything again for a long time.
Pittsburg Penguins (2009 Stanley Cup Champions) – Sidney Crosby’s Memories
Since concussions have turned Sid the Kid’s brain into silly putty, he is likely going to be having some issues remembering things going forward. His loss is your gain, as the Pens are offering fans a chance to buy his memories. You could grab his memory of finally scoring in Game 4, or his thoughts as he first hoisted the cup. You could even get family birthdays and high school dates. Everything is spilling out of the mush in his head anyways, so someone might as well have them. Buy a Crosby memory today, before he gets hit again and they’re gone forever!
New York Giants (2007 and ’11 Super Bowl Champions) – Tom Brady Tears
If the G-Men have been good at one thing over the last 7 years, it has been making Tom Brady cry. They have beaten him in the Super Bowl (twice), ruined his chance at a perfect season, and have hit him – a lot. To commemorate the emotional damage inflicted by two heartbreaking Super Bowl defeats, and the physical damage of the Giants’ pass rush, Big Blue will now be offering vials filled with the actual tears of Tom Brady. There is no better way to remember just how badly the Giants own the Pats and Brady, than with this salty souvenir. Supplies are currently limited, but might just be increased in February.
Miami Heat (2011 and ’12 NBA Champions) – LeBron James’ Prophetic Shoes
These, one-of-a-kind, sneakers were worn in Game 6 of the NBA Finals this year. Which is funny, because the inside of the shoes say “2-Time Champion” and they were worn while the Heat were down in the series 3-2. Either these shoes can see the future, or are an awfully arrogant accessory. Whatever the case may be, they are the perfect way for the true Heat fan (if such a thing exists) to remember two great championships in two years.
But wait, there’s more! Since Heat fans have a hard time getting motivated to show up for things, if you act fast, you can also get a LeBron game-worn headband. Great for hiding that receding hairline!
New York Yankees (World Series Champions pretty much any year the Cardinals didn’t win) – Alex Rodriguez [note: does not work]
This is a blow out sale. No offers will be refused. A-Rod must go, to any taker at all. Own a piece of Yankee championship.
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