Fantasy football is maddening. Seriously. I’m sure that many of you will be surprised that this is my first year playing, I don’t know why, I just never have. I love it and I hate it all at the same time.
I was asked by some fellow comics to be in a league, and it seemed like fun so I did it. The draft party was great, a bunch of guys drinking beer and talking football. The draft started, and it was intense. I wrote a list of players I wanted. That was a big waste of time. Everything happened so quickly, I tried to remain calm. After a few minutes into the draft, my heart stopped racing and I settled in. I got a few players I really wanted, but it was time to pick bench players. I saw a player available that I couldn’t believe was still available, I selected him thinking I got the steal of the draft, and that’s when I heard the chuckles from the entire You Must Be Joking League. I had selected Eli Manning.
The best way to describe having Eli Manning on your fantasy team this year is like saying you’ve adopted a kid with fetal alcohol syndrome. You can only close your eyes and pray for the best. I seriously think that Eli may throw just as many interceptions as his brother Peyton, will throw touchdowns this year.
The bad thing about fantasy football is you create some sort of emotional attachment to your players and the emotion I feel most towards Eli is pure disgust. Nothing really personal towards Eli, I just really don’t like him this year. I’m giving him one more week, and if he doesn’t produce I’m going to bench him and hope he gets sacked every play.
This week ESPN Films premiered their latest film, The Book of Manning. The story of Archie Manning and his family. If you are not aware, ESPN Films also produces the 30 for 30 series, they’re like Lifetime movies for sports fans. They are flawless, and I cry at some point during each one for some reason. Don’t judge me. A few months ago, when I heard about the Book of Manning, I was ecstatic. I know it’s going to be good, I just know it. However, because of Eli, I just can’t watch it yet. It is on my DVR ready to be viewed, I just can’t push play. Not yet.
I want to watch, but right now, I’m too biased against Eli. I know if I watched it now, I would just sneer every time his stupid face was on the TV, even the parts when he’s a baby. I would watch hoping Peyton beat the crap out of him everyday when they were younger. I would hope that Eli is that kid in school that gets picked on because he’s constantly making laser noises and occasionally poops himself. I would watch hoping it shows a Thanksgiving dinner where Cooper Manning gets drunk and throws cranberry sauce at Eli and tells him he’s no Peyton. I’m just not ready to watch yet.
Thanks a lot fantasy football. This is what I’ve become.
John Upton is a stand up comic from Tazewell, TN that loves ping-pong and Keystone Light. He performs regularly at Side Splitters Comedy Club in Knoxville, TN
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