Look, we all know it’s coming. That cringe-inducing Nancy Kerrigan & Tonya Harding Olympic special was only a preview of coming attractions. Hollywood is totally going to make a movie about the Nancy Kerrigan & Tonya Harding scandal. No screenwriter could come close to dreaming up the ridiculousness that actually happened 20 years ago. Little does Hollywood know, we’re about to beat them to the punch, or what is more of a swinging action? Either way, if I had to cast a Nancy Kerrigan & Tonya Harding flick tomorrow, you better believe I’d call the following people.
1. Amy Adams – Tonya Harding
The proof is in the pudding (sorry, Tonya ate the pudding). Amy Adams is an actress with range. She’s played the hero, the vixen and everything in between. The gal even sings! No doubt playing T. Harding would be another one of those transformational roles for Amy, who I bet would do all of her own triple axels. Amy also has the uncanny ability to play characters who are, how do I put this delicately, devoid of normal mental capabilities. Nobody plays dumb like Amy Adams, except for that chick that played Karen in Mean Girls. Oh, and did I mention Amy Adams and Tonya Harding look exactly alike? And the Oscar goes to…
2. Hilary Swank – Nancy Kerrigan
It’s been a while since Ms. Swank has graced us with her presence on the silver screen. I guess you can afford to take a few years off when you have two Oscars and were the second karate kid opposite Pat Morita. Highlight of her career? Yeah, until Nancy and Tonya: A Love Story happens. Given Hil’s history of playing athletes, she’d have no problem taking on such a physically demanding role. Plus, whoever plays Nancy has to be just the right amount of boring to really capture her essence on film. I’ve already purchased my advanced screening tickets for this movie. Those Fandango booking charges really are a killer!
3. Ashton Kutcher – Jeff Gillooly
Now, to the real meat of the movie, the casting of Jeff Gillooly. Tonya’s skin crawlingly creepy, evil mastermind husband can’t just be any old actor we pick up off the street. He needs to be slimy enough to play scumbag, yet oblivious enough to be believable. Only one name comes to mind: Ashton Kutcher. Ashton might be a Hollywood stud, but throw a disturbing mustache on him, slick back his hair and dress him in nothing but unironic Christmas sweaters, and even Lindsay Lohan wouldn’t go near him in a darkened LA night club. Ashton would make a great Jeff, and the interplay between his Jeff and Amy’s Tonya would be worth the price of admission.
Honorable mention: Edward Norton, mostly for that awesome mustache he rocked in The Italian Job. But let’s be honest, he’d never be caught dead making this movie.
4. Jonah Hill & Michael Cera – Shawn Eckhardt & Shane Stant
This was maybe the toughest part to cast. Chris Farley played Eckhardt so well on SNL, it almost felt sacrilegious to throw any other names out there, but without Shawn, there is no movie. Now, I know Jonah is all serious about acting these days, but let’s not forget that his comedic roles made him what he is today. Who better than a talented comedic actor to play what is by far the most hilarious role in the story? Brainless man and his wife’s overweight bodyguard hire inept slimeball to eliminate the competition, but the trio fails miserably due to lack of cognitive ability. Oh, and who better than Jonah’s buddy, Michael Cera to play Shane Stant? Sure, Cera will have to gain about 40 pounds of muscle, not to mention his adult voice will actually have to develop for him to play this role, but this is Hollywood. If it comes down to the wire, we’ll auto-tune his lines to make his voice lower!
5. Lucy Liu – Connie Chung
As we all learned from the superbly awful NBC special that aired just a couple of weeks ago, Connie Chung was just as involved in this scandal as anyone. For the pivotal airplane interview sequence, the movie requires a star that can hold her own against the likes of Ms. Adams. Lucy Liu is that star. After all, she was one of Charlie’s Angels. Plus, I have a feeling she’s looking to bury Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever with a movie that’s even more notoriously bad. Here’s your chance, Lucy!
Be sure to check out Nancy and Tonya: A Love Story at your local theaters in the fall of 2015! In the meantime, tell us in the comments what you think of our picks for the Nancy Kerrigan/Tonya Harding movie cast. Who would you cast in the two lead roles?[Image via via]