Cleveland: it was all good just a week ago…..not that things were ever great in Cleveland, but as Jay-Z once said, it was all good just a week ago. The Cavaliers put me out of my misery by ending their season and then firing Byron Scott who had as much control of the team as Antonio Cromartie does having safe sex. Ohio resident bro Nick Swisher was starting to heat up and the Indians ground crew were no longer remarking on how these guys still f’ing suck. And the Cleveland Browns had a decent off season and with a high pick in the NFL draft, the fans were suddenly as optimistic as Rex Ryan about to enter an Asian foot massage parlor. Heck Kyrie Irving didn’t even get injured.
Enter the week of April 21st.
Rumors fly that Mike Brown is atop the Cavs wish list. Ugggh. No don’t even, naah can’t be. Mr. Potato head and his Gatorade spitter cup made the Billy Martin reunion tour and is now the new head coach of the Cavs for the second time. If you do not remember, here are my thoughts on Mike Brown. Why wouldn’t free agents come to C-town with the beautiful weather, great nightlife, and excellent coach? Lebron will never be coming back. Maybe Donyell Marshall, Larry Hughes, and Ira Newble still have some hoop life left.
Ubaldo Jiminez is the #2 starter for the Indians. Shoot me please. I would rather have Dontrelle Willis post-Marlins era come out and douse the mound with his gas can. Heck even Danny Graves or Jose Mesa would be a controlled fire compared to this forest fire that goes out to the bump every fifth day. Byung Hyung Kim is waiting for GM Charlie Donovan to call saying he just hired Lou Brown from Tire World to manage the team and for him to come out and pitch. I would not be as mad if he were not the #2 hurler on a team with a pitching deficit worse than the United States or that we gave up our two best prospects to get him. “They are still shitty”.
After suffering through a terrible owner for the last 13 years, finally the Browns get an owner with money, charisma, passion and wanting to bring a sustained winner to the Mistake on the Lake. Then Jimmy Haslam takes his company and goes all Enron and sucks money from unsuspected businesses. Based on the unsealed evidence by the FBI, Haslam has about as much chance of staying out of jail and still owning the Browns as Jerry Sandusky has of seeing daylight before he dies. Just when I thought we would get much needed stability and direction Cleveland sports luck strikes again.
The NFL draft is a holiday in Cleveland. Christmas, the Superbowl, and your wedding day rolled into one. The optimism and kool-aid drinking is higher than Sam Hurd’s clients. Rumors swirling, hopes of getting that next big star, and can’t miss talent. Well somehow the Browns always seem to miss that talent as if they were Dwight Howard trying to shoot a free-throw. Everyone knows the history and their well-chronicled Adam Dunn swing and misses. This year everyone gets amped for Dion Jordan or Dee Milliner, studs that will be cornerstones for the next ten years. Nope, Barkevious Mingo. Not terrible but it only gets me about as excited as seeing Katy Perry without make up. I want Tim Couch.
Quentin Groves tried to be the sunshine on a rainy day. However, when it was revealed it was $100 for the prostitute and only $20 more for anal, we realized that the economy in Cleveland was still lower than Vince Young’s wonderlic score. Hey, he tried to give us the good news. A for effort Q.
It cannot get much worse right? I write this on the first day of the NFL draft. What that means is there is still plenty of time and days for the Browns to mess up the NFL draft, Ubaldo Jiminez will be back on the hill soon, and Kyrie Irving still has time to get hurt. The more things change, the more they stay the same. Only in Cleveland, only in Cleveland. #Clevelandproblems
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