The election is right around the corner, but many voters are finding it difficult to get excited about this sorry set of candidates. Thankfully, our candidates are all current and former professional athletes. Political correspondent Jim Gruseck breaks down the Decision 2016 field.
RED TEAM
CRUZ
Victor Cruz was a big deal for a while, but with the arrival of Beckham, he seems to be old news. He is another candidate willing to say the unpopular rather than salsa dance around the issues. Many wonder if he has the New York values to stick with the Giants. Some voters still have confidence in him, while others just think he is an asshole. Especially fantasy football owners who drafted him the past two years.
RUBIO
Ricky Rubio is the youngest candidate and may look the most presidential. Sure, he is okay when assisting others, but does anyone consider him an inspiring leader? Also, I’m not sure he can be trusted on defense.
BUSH
Reggie Bush has a history of taking money from donors causing his reputation to take a hit. He has never lived up to his elite potential, though some are happy with his performance in Florida. He is going to have trouble overcoming the perception of voters that he is too weak.
THE DONALD
Billionaire Donald Sterling has a proclivity for models and has no interest in being politically correct. He has taken a strong stance against minorities immigrating courtside of his arena. Voters aren’t quite sure how seriously to take him. Some speculate that he many be a mentally ill narcissist, while others think it may all be part of his shtick.
CARSON
Carson Palmer carved up defenses like a surgeon during the regular season, but surprised nobody when he faltered on the big stage. He piqued voter interest early, but his campaign is floundering. The sad truth is, he was never really a legitimate contender.
BLUE TEAM
BERNIE
For over fifty years, Cleveland fans have been “feeling the Bern.” Bernie Kosar is by far the most liberal of our candidates. I guess you better be when your daughter is a porn star named Lexxi Silver.
Bernie attended college at “The U” with a full scholarship, and now shouts from the mountaintop how every other student in the country should receive free tuition. With the Browns, he was a “huge” proponent of sharing the ball evenly with all of his receiving options making sure everyone got “their fair share.”
CLINTON
Clinton Portis might have the best resume of our candidates, but after his time in Washington, people started to lose trust in him. He is the type of person prone to change his personality between a set of alter-egos depending upon his audience. Portis is opposed to mass incarceration as evidenced by his campaign to free Michael Vick, because hey, “it was his dog.”
It is bound to be a long and bumpy road ahead. God bless America, and God help us all.
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