Orange is the New Black vs Fantasy Football

By September 9, 2014June 18th, 2018No Comments


Have you ever thought about what would happen if you combined Carrie Bradshaw with Matthew Berry? Sex and the City meets ESPN? Every week my column will be a comparison between all things pop culture, dating, fashion and football. I’m the commissioner of my all girls fantasy football league where we know our fantasy football, but also watch every game in our high heels and jerseys. This is the world of fantasy football through the eyes of my league. 

The end of summer… The voice of Al Michaels…The biggest sports story in Cleveland right now…. Not Lebron, it’s Johnny Football. It’s Fantasy Football time! This year, my all-girls league packed our stripper high heels, our jewelry that would make Mr. T blush, our Fantasy Life books, and headed to Las Vegas to do our live draft.

I needed a Vegas weekend after spending all summer watching the best thing since the Red Zone Football package… Netflix’s Orange is the New Black. Poor Piper has to endure a jail sentence after smuggling drugs for her lesbian lover. (And yes boys, lots of steamy hot lesbian scenes.) I relate to her woes. Entering a new fantasy football draft is like entering jail. I wake up night after night wondering what I could have done better. How could I have possibly taken a kicker in the 9th round? I wonder who else feels the same shame that I do by taking a quarterback so late in the draft and getting stuck with Tony Romo. But, we all live with our mistakes. There’s all sorts of interesting characters and this week, I compare fantasy football to my new favorite show Orange is the New Black.

Crazy eyes
Sure, she was intimidating at first when she wanted to be the prison wife to Piper. After all, who wouldn’t want your prison wife to be nicknamed ‘Crazy Eyes’? When she speaks, she sounds more confused than the offensive coordinator for the Rams was this week. Crazy Eyes took the fall for beating up ‘Red’ because she couldn’t remember if she had or not. She looks like she has smoked more marijuana than Josh Gordon. But, her craziness is what we love about her.

Crazy was how bad Aaron Rodgers was. He wasn’t the best fantasy player last year and we all had high hopes for him this year after what he has done in the past. But, against the Seahawks the Packers looked awful. I could feel him on the sideline stating ‘Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there… With a new defense!’ Yeah Aaron, you might want to start representing a new insurance company. And this way, poor Lauren who drafted you in the second round won’t sell her team on Craigslist like she’s insisting.

You have to love the Russian lady who is the cook in the kitchen but a total badass in the jail. She actually gets contraband from the outside by taking care of the jail’s green house where her son smuggles in her requests underneath a plant. You have to wonder though how she gets all of that red hair dye in prison. Given, she wouldn’t be the same since her red hair is her signature trait, just like multiple inexplicable interceptions are for Jay Cutler.

The ultimate badasses this week were the kickers! With the exception of two of us in the league, the kickers all gave us 10+ points. Matt Bryant and Mike Nugent had 18 and 17 points! You know it’s bad when you’re rooting for the kicker because he is the best player on your team. Then again, I had Dan Bailey for the Cowboys and he might as well have taken a nap this week like the rest of the Cowboys did.

The fresh faced, blonde-haired WASP enters jail and is clearly the outcast. She’s the newbie who has to make the most out of her 15-month jail sentence. At first, she had a rough go, but after a while she fits in as well as Knowshon Moreno did in the new Miami Dolphins offense. He took his talents to South Beach and because Valerie had him on her bench she was as depressed as post-LeBron Heat fans.

Rookies, welcome to fantasy football! Kelvin Benjamin, Brandin Cooks, Allan Hurns and Terrance West all had great fantasy days. Rookies are always questionable to play in the first week. How will they gel with the quarterback? Will they look as good as they did in college? This week, the rookies shined as did our newbie, Wendy. It’s her first year playing fantasy football and she killed it with Beastmode, Le’Veon Bell and Shane Vereen. She did seem to have somewhat of a draft playbook. Hey, Wendy, maybe they will be hiring a new offensive coordinator in Washington soon. You would be perfect. Good thing RG3 has the acting chops in those Subway commercials because he and the entire Redskins team looked the worst of any team this week.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly…

The Good
Seattle. I firmly believe in benching any good QB, RB or WR if they are going up against the Seahawks defense. They shot down Rodgers, Lacy and the rest of the receivers (with the exception of Cobb’s TD) and Richard Sherman wasn’t even a huge factor. He claimed he is sometimes bored on the field. With how good the rest of the defense is Sherman could easily just bring out his phone on the field and play Candy Crush during the game.

The Bad
Injuries. We are only in Week 1 but some big names like Eddie Lacy, Ben Tate, Doug Martin and Alshon Jeffery had to leave the game and left us with horrible fantasy numbers, much like Jamaal Charles. Wait, Charles didn’t get injured? What was the excuse for only giving him 7 carries? I guess Andy Reid played against him in his fantasy league.

The Ugly
The Giants and Eli Manning. I know they hired a new offensive coordinator, but nobody can help the pathetic G-Men. Victor Cruz dropped two passes and looked just as bad as the rest of the receivers. Did you really think that the offense would be different this year? C’Mon man!

Here’s to Week 2 and to never doing a live draft in Vegas again after drinking sweat tea vodkas all day!

-The Commish

You can follow Lisa on Twitter @wildcatlisadyan.