Have you ever thought about what would happen if you combined Carrie Bradshaw with Matthew Berry? Sex and the City meets ESPN? Every week my column will be a comparison between all things pop culture, dating, fashion and football. I’m the commissioner of my all girls fantasy football league where we know our fantasy football, but also watch every game in our high heels and jerseys. This is the world of fantasy football through the eyes of my league.
After finding out that I’m moving to Chicago from LA in January, I had to give up my apartment in October. So, for three months, I had to figure out where to live. Off to Mom and Dad’s we go. I’m a 33 year old single woman who is back living with my parents, somewhere I haven’t lived since high school. It’s got its pros and its cons and this week I compare living with my parents to football.
Who knew Mom’s did laundry this much? Living on my own, I was lucky to do a load of laundry a week. But not in this household. My mother apparently just hates dirty clothes or loves the smell of Tide detergent in the morning. Doing laundry is one of those things you either love of hate. Laundry is the Miami Heat of chores.
There is a huge perk of having stud receivers on your team. Megatron, AJ Green and Brandon Marshall all had killer fantasy days. Green didn’t start off that well as he had 0 fantasy points after 3 quarters against the Ravens, but then he made up for it as we witnessed a true Hail Mary at the end of the game. This was more ridiculous then Aaron Rodgers’ new mustache. His new look is a cross between a Law and Order detective and Ron Jeremy. Maybe once he plays again, he will start looking like the Discount Daaa-ble Check dude that we are used to.
Its got its good and bad
When I lived by myself, I was a social butterfly meeting friends out almost every night. I am the Commish after all. Not so much anymore. After my days now, I just come home and there sits a home cooked meal by Mom. Just like when I was a kid, Mom, Dad and I sit around the dinner table discussing how awful the Lakers defense is. I love the home cooked meals, but my social life is dwindling faster than Trent Richardson’s fantasy value and overall value to the Colts for that matter.
How many of you have had your running back or quarterback playing against your defense? This week, I had Frank Gore playing against Carolina defense. I feel like I have schizophrenia and Tourette’s syndrome all at the same time. I found myself yelling No! Yes! I mean good! Bad! I was more confused than watching Dwight Howard attempt free throws. You’ve been playing in the NBA for 9 years and you still can’t make free throws. Even a cross eyed Shaquille O’ Neal who thought the Parthenon was a nightclub in Greece (Google the interview, it is awesome) had better aim.
Dad: where are you going?
Me: out with friends.
Dad: when will you be home?
Me: not really sure (thinking if I get lucky tonight, maybe not at all… Sorry Dad)
Since my parents can’t exactly give me a curfew, they sure like to ask a lot of questions. I can’t fault them. They are still my concerned parents. But, things have changed since high school. I have a job, a car, my own money and truth be told, I would rather be home by 10:00 anyway to watch Dateline.
There is no bigger or sadder story in the NFL right now than that of Jonathan Martin. This is truly the downfall of all locker room banter and the Dolphins being that they lost to the winless Bucs. Listening to Martin being terrorized on a voicemail by Richie Incognito makes you think Alec Baldwin’s voicemail to his daughter was just a friendly little message. This story about Incognito is as baffling and as damning to his career as when Plaxico Burress shot himself in the leg with his own gun at a nightclub. Nah, that still takes the cake.
The Good, Bad and the Ugly
The Saints Offense. Colston, Thomas, Sproles and especially Brees were on fire. The only bummer was for Tricia who went into the game down by 8 but had Jimmy Graham. He ended up with 5 points and not even a red zone target. He clearly is still hurt and now so is Tricia’s feelings. I texted her after the game and still haven’t heard from her. She’s in mourning. Understandable.
Defenses that nobody played. The top fantasy defenses of the week were the Rams, Jaguars, Giants and the Raiders. There are no other words for this. None.
The Colts. Watching this with my girls that had Indy Defense, T Rich and Vinatieri who had 0 points and me having Andrew Luck was as painful as the Botox injections we were getting. Yes, this week we decided to have a Botox/football party. Good thing after Botox we could no longer make surprised or angry faces because those were the only emotions we had after that game! The worst part was that we couldn’t drink alcohol, so we had to endure this horrific game stone cold sober.
Ladies, Here’s to getting drunk at our local bar like we always do in Week 11.
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