Hall of FameSports

Have Mercy. Comparing pro athletes to the men of Full House

By July 22, 2013 One Comment
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full-house-athletesUnless you’ve been living under a rock for the last 25 years, I am sure you have seen at least one episode of Full House. The cast of characters included Danny Tanner, Uncle Jesse, Uncle Joey, hot Aunt Becky (Have Mercy), the Olsen Twin’s, the daughter that married one of the Bure brothers, Kimmy Gibbler, and the daughter that became a drug addict post Full House. Most of us welcomed them into our living room on Friday’s as part of TGIF and since they have a special place in our hearts it only felt appropriate to give the show some dap. That’s why I thought it would be fun to see what current or former athletes most mirrored the male characters from Full House. After all, they were the stars of the show and without them you’d just have a crappy Olsen twins made for TV movie.

Uncle Jesse

There is no question Uncle Jesse is an 80’s TV icon. Ask anyone under the age of 35 to name one thing about John Stamos, and the first thing that comes to mind is Uncle Jesse. The Elvis-loving, mullet rocking, ladies-man got more ass than a toilet seat. That is until Aunt Becky put the clamps down on him. Nevertheless, he was still the epitome of cool for his time. Who could ever forget the time he rode his motorcycle on the ledge of building on a dare just to prove he was a man.

If there were one athlete that epitomized Uncle Jesse it would be Mike Piazza. Like Uncle Jesse, Piazza was always down to chase some skirt back in his younger days dating various models. Living in New York, LA, and Miami I am sure it was not in short supply. Eventually, he landed Playboy Playmate (imagine that) Alicia Rickter.

Another similarity that Mike and Uncle Jesse share is there love for hair. If you caught Mike Piazza at the All-Star game earlier last week, you can see what I mean. I’m pretty sure he had half a quart of 10w30 in there slicking it back.

Like Uncle Jesse, who loved music so much that he opened The Smash Club and played in his own band Jesse and the Rippers, Mike enjoys heavy metal music. Piazza has gone so far as to perform growling sounds on the upbeat song “Stronger Than Death” by Black Label Society.

Uncle Joey

Thinking back, perhaps there was no creepier sitcom character in the recent past than Uncle Joey. He lived in his best friend’s house for almost a decade in addition to his friend’s three kids, and then with Uncle Jesse’s wife and kids.

Uncle Joey was also interesting in the fact that he loved cartoons and kid’s shows in general, just a little too much. I’m all for nostalgia, but he took it to a whole new level. A 30-something single guy in that living situation would raise some serious red flags. I would have the police keep an eye on someone like that.

Joey would also be quick to rock pajamas with cartoon characters on them and the occasional 3rd grade teacher sweaters. How can you be taken seriously dressing like that if you’re not attending a Halloween party or a holiday theme party? Was it any wonder he couldn’t keep a real job?

No matter how hard he tried he just couldn’t get his comedy career off of the ground. That “cut-it-out” bit was worse than Gallagher’s watermelon smashing act.

If there is one athlete that parallels Uncle Joey it’s Chad Johnson (Ocho Cinco) or whatever he’s calling himself these days. Both attempt to be funny, and the vast majority of the time they end up failing miserably. Joey’s act on Star Search wasn’t great, and neither are Chad’s twitter posts or name changes.

Both of them act like children. As I said before, Joey’s obsession with cartoons and other kid’s stuff was Michael Jackson level unhealthy. Chad, like Joey, has child-like tendencies by appearing to have a “slight” video game addiction. I mean the guy proposed to his ex-wife while playing Call of Duty. Classy!

Chad could very well end up like Joey living in his friend’s basement since he’s now broke. With Chad out of football and having to pay child support for 4 kids to support, he might be eating McDonalds even more than he used to. I would not be surprised to see him on the next version of celebrity diving or racing a horse for money again.

Danny Tanner

No one was a bigger kill-joy than the quirky Danny Tanner. He was as exciting and fun as an Excel spreadsheet. The guy did everything by-the-book, cleaned everything relentlessly, and loved rocking pleated pants. I would imagine he is antithesis of the real Bob Saget, who appears to be extremely laid-back and funny (in case you haven’t seen Entourage or his roast). He was never a ladies man unlike Uncle Jesse, and if he did have a date it couldn’t be more awkward. Danny always had to be captain bring down. Uncle Jesse and Joey always seemed to let the girls push the limits, but Danny, being a good dad, always had to reign his daughters back in and kill any good times.

If I had to choose one athlete that was a true reflection of Danny Tanner it would have to be Tim Tebow. From everything I have read or seen about Tim Tebow he appears to be one of the nicest, most genuine people on the planet, just like Danny Tanner. However, that does not mean he would be fun to hang out with.

As far as I can tell, he does not do much off of the field (or on the field for that matter), so I would imagine his apartment has to be spotless from cleaning it all day. If he told any jokes I am sure they would be corny, profanity free, and non-offensive just like Danny Tanner. If one of his teammates is having a raging party and Tebow shows up, I would guess the music stops and people race for the exits, just like if Danny showed up unexpectedly at one of DJ’s make out parties. I would have to guess that they don’t last too long on dates, either. Danny and Tim always seem to have the right intentions, but it probably wouldn’t hurt them to relax once in a while.

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Aaron Senich

Aaron Senich

A long-suffering Cleveland Browns fans, who will be switching allegiances to the Seattle Seahawks for the 2014 season through marriage. Bloody mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. -Archer