Ladies and Gentlemen, I have been biting my tongue for far too long. Maybe it was my twenty-something naivety, or just the idea that like velour tracksuits, Von Dutch trucker hats, and Crocs before them, this current “it” fashion was just a popular yet soon-to-be-doomed fad. Unfortunately, this doesn’t seem to be the case. In fact, ironically, this so called “fashion do” is single handedly polluting our great nation. And as a woman who prides herself in two things: 1) Fashion and 2) America, I have never felt such sorrow other than the time they cancelled “Happy Endings” on ABC (RIP). (Still bitter, sorry)
Anyways, I’m not talking about something trivial or mundane like the scrunchie or the great butterfly clip craze of 1998. Oh, no, my friends. I’m talking about something that is overtaking the greatest country in the world like a dreaded herpes outbreak, a denim outbreak to be specific.
That’s right, folks: I’m talkin’ about HIGH WAISTED JEAN SHORTS.
***Cries and barfs simultaneously***
First off, as a woman, I seriously and whole-heartedly apologize on behalf of my gender for this vomit-inducing fixation girls everywhere from 12-35 seem to partake in. Everywhere I go, whether it be the movies, the mall, the bank, the post office, the farmer’s market, church, clubs, brunch, a tattoo parlor, etc., I see them. It’s a nightmare I can never wake up from.
Listen, folks, it needs to stop. Now.
The problem is, this “trend” extends to all kinds of chicks. I’m talking real and wanna-be hipsters, preppy betches, sluts, prudes, and everything in between. To make matters worse, I am also bi-coastal. While I live full time in Los Angeles, (which seems to be the kernel of high-wasted bozos) I thought I could finally seek solace in visiting who I thought were my “smart” friends back East.
Like a virus worse than that plant-based contagion from the God-awful movie “The Happening” (which, as a side-note, I’d rather watch at least 4,000 times in a constant, ongoing loop rather than ever wear a pair of high-waisted jorts), I found that even the smug, yet intelligent east-coasters had succumbed to the root of all evil. There they were, noshing on their bagels and drinking Dunkin Donuts coffee, all in studded, and (gasps) colored high-waisted britches. There was nowhere to hide; I was trapped, and there was nothing I could do about it.
For a mere second, I romanced the idea of putting on what I truly believed to be a jean adult diaper in disguise. Obviously there had to be some type of redeeming quality about these so-called “shorts.” It just didn’t make sense. Why would, for the most part, conventionally attractive women willingly spend money on something that made them resemble the fashion equivalent of a shart? Was this some kind of worldwide bet all females seemed to have lost? Was it “Derelicte “ 2.0 a la’ Zoolander and the creators of high-waisted jean shorts were somehow trying to assassinate the prime minister of Micronesia via innocent, young girls? I needed answers, and fast.
I turned to both male and female friends for support, but they didn’t seem to help. Obviously, my girlfriends, (clearly brainwashed and currently in training to kill Malaysia’s PM) kept conversing about how much they loved high waisted shorts. The guys on the other hand, were torn. I was appalled when one of my closest male friends protested that he, “Didn’t mind” them, saying that in reality, it takes, “ A certain girl to pull them off.”
I’m pretty sure he’s referring to Amanda Bynes, because it’s not mathematically possible for any sane woman to legitimately pull those suckers off successfully.
Listen, I’m not shaming my fellow women. In fact, I’m trying to save them. What we as a nation need to realize is that taking mom jeans from 1988, distressing them like a “vintage” Abercrombie skirt, and giving them studs for added flare is doing nothing for our name as the greatest country in the world. As leaders, we must 86 this fashion fad like we have done so many times before. I believe in you, America.
My only hope is that looking back, high-waisted jean shorts will serve as a reminder to our civilization that women should be proud of their womanly figures, and learn to show them off in a more flattering, tasteful way, and not by zipping shorts up to their belly button. The other, which really has nothing to do with the former, is that M. Night Shyamalan stop making movies.
Melissa Turner is a twenty-two year old Los Angeles transplant who originally hails from Philadelphia. Other than being a devoted Eagles, Phillies and Flyers fan, Turner is a self-confessed sugar addict with a slight obsession with quoting movies. She is also the greatest and funniest person in the world. Follow her on Twitter at @lissyturner and check her out on Vine!