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How other rappers besides Jay-Z would fare as sports agents

By April 11, 2013 No Comments
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snoop-tyrannJay-Z recently sold his 1/15th of 1 percent ownership of the the Brooklyn Nets so he could become a sports agent in the NBA. He already has signed Victor Cruz of the New York Giants and Robinson Cano of the New York Yankees and seems well on his way to yet another successful venture in his life. Now, as we know, if there is one thing rapper’s love more than gold chains, thick white women and their moms, its competition and money. They are not going to stand by and let Jay-Z dominate the rapper turned sports agent game and more will surely try to make the leap to the sports agent world. So how would other rappers fare as sports agents? Lucky for you, I have the answer to this question.

NAS:

Jay-Z and Nas have been longtime rivals, and while people debate who won the lyrical rivalry, there is no doubt that Jay has crushed Nas in terms of success in corporate America. Hearing Jay is getting into the sports agency business, Nas sees this as an opportunity to finally get the best of his former rival. But once again, Jay-Z is always one step ahead of Nas. Jay-Z signs Victor Cruz, Nas signs Danny Woodhead. Jay-Z signs Robinson Cano, Nas signs Carlos Marmol. Jay-Z signs Brook Lopez, Nas signs Robin Lopez. After one of Nas’s star clients, fellow Queens-bridge native Ron Artest, gets arrested for trying to kidnapping his shrink, Nas decides the sports agency business is not for him and quits.

LL Cool J:

After being featured on the Song “Accidental Racist” with Brad Paisley, Cool J has a hard time getting any Black athletes to sign with him. While this may seem like the end of the road, this doesn’t stop him and he uses his new found country music connections to his advantage by turning to NASCAR. When he enters negotiations with his pants saggin, black do-rag and Malcolm X t-shirt, the old, White, Southern men he is negotiating with are so scared they give his clients whatever they want. He goes on to become the greatest NASCAR agent of all-time and even gets to go on tour with Willie Nelson.

Snoop Dogg (or Lion):

Snoop has always had a passion for football, whether it is his Steelers or his coaching of Pop Warner teams, and this leads him to become an NFL agent. Right off the bat he gets his first star client, Tyrann “Honey Badger” Mathieu. Things go great at first as Snoop uses his connections to get Mr. Badger a few endorsement deals, but then things take a turn for the worse. Mathieu comes backstage after a Snoop concert to meet him and gets a whiff of the California sticky icky. Three days later he is found in the middle of the desert in Arizona high out of his mind. He never plays a down in the NFL. Snoop then loses the rest of his clients after he keeps telling them they should sign with the Steelers and no one else.

Lil Wayne:

He is known for taking mediocre talent (Tyga, Nicki Minaj) and making them stars and he tries to do the same as a sports agent. The problem is when he gets into negotiations, no one can understand what the hell he is saying. Also, the fact that he insists on holding every negotiation inside a skate park does not help either, nor does the fact that he spends half the meetings having a seizure. In the end his agent career turns out worse then Birdman rapping and he goes back to spending all his time skating.

Waka Flocka Flame:

Surprisingly, besides Jay, Flocka becomes the most successful rapper turned sports agent. He uses his two best qualities, yelling and scaring the hell out of middle-aged White America to his advantage. Flame shows up to negotiations with 10 jacked Black guys who all look like they had just been featured on an episode of “Gangland.” Not only that, but during negotiations he yells the whole damn time. These things combined make it hard for the people he is negotiating with to focus and he is able to get his clients the best deals possible. He even convinces Michael Jordan to give Gucci Mane an 10 day contract to play on the Bobcats. Drew Rosenhaus be afraid, be very afraid.

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Creator of @Roblowesports, so if you don't follow me on there it would be cool if you did. Sports lover, coffee lover and yes, lover of Bacon.