The 2014-2015 NHL season is upon us and it’s been an active offseason and by active, I mean I cancelled cable. DO NOT REFRESH THE PAGE, the cable has indeed been cancelled.
Why did I need cable? Everything I need to watch is available online – Netflix, porn, Hulu, Amazon Prime Video and porn.
This has created quite the dilemma now that the NHL season is under way. Online you can watch some of the sickest, most unnatural acts you can imagine (and a lot you would have never imagined but now enjoy), but trying to find live NHL hockey is next to impossible. So if you have also given the proverbial FU to Big Cable and want to watch hockey, it’s time to get creative.
NHL GAMECENTER LIVE
PROS: Cheaper than cable at $159 per season, and you get every out of market game, which is perfect for watching Hockey Night in Canada.
CONS: You only get out of market games, which means no Blackhawks games for me.
SOLUTION: Drive in any one direction until you are considered “out of market” to watch Blackhawks games. Renting a studio apartment in Davenport, Iowa for nine months is still cheaper than cable.
MOVE INTO YOUR CLOSEST BIG BOX STORE
PROS: Target and Best Buy have giant TVs that always seem to be playing sports. You also have a variety of departments steps away to make your stay more comfortable – food, beverage, lawn furniture.
CONS: Though you can never find a store associate when you really need one, I think it would be a matter of time before they figure you out and then make you work there.
SOLUTION: Stop by the Halloween section and stock up on a variety of disguises to prolong your ruse. “Don’t mind me, just a grown man in an Elsa from Frozen costume, totally not the Ninja Turtle that was here yesterday.”
GO TO A BAR
PROS: Most bars with more than one TV will have the NHL package. Note, if your local bar still has a standard definition tube TV, slowly put down the Bud Ice and find a new bar.
CONS: You may become an alcoholic. (If you are already an alcoholic, please disregard and enjoy your hockey). You also have all of the other pitfalls that come from hanging out a bar five times a week when you are no longer a college student – hangovers, poor diet and random, unexplained STDs.
SOLUTION: Go to a bar.
MOVE HOME WITH YOUR PARENTS
PROS: If you are a millennial and reading this article, there’s a good chance you are already living there. Seriously, everybody’s doing it. There’s free laundry, three square meals a day and unlike a bar, a slightly lower risk of STDs. It’s like a better version of prison.
CONS: It’s a better version of prison, which means it’s still prison. Some hard labor may be required, conjugal visits are rare and you’re likely still somebody’s bitch.
SOLUTION: Borrow your parent’s cable account information and watch online while living out of your 2003 Mitsubishi Eclipse until your student loans are paid off in 2150.
DATE SOMEONE WITH CABLE
PROS: You get regular sexy time and NHL hockey. Coincidentally, the hockey season runs parallel with prime dating season. People begin to settle down as winter approaches and then subsequently rid themselves of any attachments once Spring emerges.
CONS: Your wife might have an issue with you dating.
SOLUTION: Try online dating where you can casually see two or three women without a serious commitment and add some variety to your hockey watching. The trick is they all must have cable which I don’t believe is one of the eHarmony filters. If you’re the gambling type and have little regard for your own life, try Craigslist.
It’s clear there are no perfect solutions on how to watch hockey without cable. I harken for the days of old, where people watched TV on the sidewalk in the window of the store that sold TVs. If movies have taught me anything, that’s where all people at one time watched sports and world events. Luckily, these stores do still exist, but you may need to move to a third world country to find one.