Sports

Johnny and Jameis: A Match Made in Heaven

By January 9, 2015 No Comments
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johnny-manziel-jameis-winston-cleveland

I was visited in my dreams last night by the ghost of football future. That ghost brought with him some ugly news. In light of Famous Jameis Winston’s recent decision to go pro and declare for the 2015 draft, the ghost informed me that a familiar foe would be rolling the dice on Florida State’s polarizing QB. That familiar foe is the Cleveland Browns. Sure, given the recent waste of a draft pick they spent on Johnny Manziel, it doesn’t seem likely they would pick Jameis, but this is my dream, and that’s how it happened.

Upon selecting Jameis Winston 12th overall in the 2015 NFL draft, the Browns will immediately declare a QB battle in Cleveland. Little does Browns management know the QBs couldn’t care less about winning the starting job. Yes, the drafting of Jameis, the crab thief, will set in motion an epic bromance in Cleveland and turn Johnny and Jameis into the next Paris and Nicole.

Immediately after Jameis arrives in Cleveland, it becomes clear that he and Johnny Manziel are meant to be besties. From keg stands to lines of blow in Vegas bathrooms, they do everything together. It isn’t long before they go in on a penthouse in downtown Cleveland together. This is when things get real.

After a night of partying at their favorite Cleveland strip club, Johnny Football and Famous Jameis decide to throw a Halloween party, but they wonder how they are going to get costumes out of season? Problem solved. The two overhyped Heisman’s break into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, steal a bunch of the display costumes – Elton John’s bedazzled onesies, David Bowie’s spandex, etc. – and invite the crew over for some good, clean fun. Josh Gordon and his failed drug tests are among the attendees at the most brotastic party west of Gronk’s house.

The next morning, Johnny and Jameis hear a rap, tap, tapping on the door of their trashed apartment. A large, athletically-built man enters. “Hi, my name is Timothy Tebow,” he says. “I’d love to tell you about how Jesus died for our sins.” Confused, Johnny peers at Timothy through bloodshot eyes and says “Not interested, bro. But you can leave the bible. Might be good for my image.”

Meanwhile, on the other side of town, Mike Pettine is furious. It’s 9:00AM and his two first-round draft picks still haven’t shown their faces at the 8:00AM practice. “They’re done,” mutters Mike. “What’s Kelly Holcomb doing these days?” Johnny and Jameis beg the Browns for one more chance, but Pettine says no. Just as the police are about to charge the boys for all of the illicit substances found in their apartment the night before, their guardian angel, LeBron James, enters and makes a plea bargain with the authorities to let the Heisman’s go if he finally delivers a championship to Cleveland. The police accept the deal, and Johnny and Jameis take their talents to Hollywood.

With their NFL careers down the tubes and half-college educations to fall back on, Johnny and Jameis turn to acting to salvage what’s left of their infamy. After a chance meeting with Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill, the two parlay their disappointing playing careers and controversial social lives into a successful buddy cop franchise, called “Heisman Heroes,” along with an exclusive line of action figures for Wal-Mart.

C’mon, Browns! Let’s make my dream a reality!

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Rebecca Ramos

Rebecca Ramos

Business casual by week, sports chic by weekend. Originally from Pittsburgh, Rebecca bleeds Black and Gold and cites Casey Hampton as her all-time favorite Steeler. Warning: do not approach her directly after a Steelers loss.