Lakers success hinges on the mustache of Mike D’Antoni

Now that Los Angeles Lakers fans have had a few days to adjust to the news that the Zen Master won’t be napping courtside during their December games, they are slowly talking themselves into the Mike D’Antoni era. “Remember how fun he and Nash were” , “The Knicks had a lot of potential till Carmelo showed up” , “He was Kobe’s childhood idol”. Yes, with D’Antoni does come the baggage of his losses with the Knicks and his inability to advance to the Finals in Phoenix. However, the biggest burden that follows D’Antoni is subtle yet equally devastating: Mustache Prowess.

The month of Movember is a time of reflection. It’s a time when we ponder back to the days of yore when facial hair was worn in earnest. Some of the strongest, most gallant men in our time were known by their faces and what grew upon it. It became a signature symbol of power. To remove it would be like clearcutting Central Park. Some of our greatest sporting legends are defined by it: Mike Ditka, Jim Leyland, Dale Earnhardt, Hulk Hogan.

You look at these faces and you don’t think of flashing high powered offense. You think of a strong, stable masculinity that overpowers and intimidates opponents. But you look at D’Antoni’s face and you see a man who just had a funnel cake at the carnival with a splash too much powdered sugar. It’s thin and translucent by choice, as he’s clearly a trimmer. In turn it may be what has been trimming his potential. This half-assed approach to his mustache may ultimately be what is cheapening his career.

He can bring any style of offense you want to Los Angeles, but it won’t mean a thing until he brings the huevos. And nothing says testicular fortitude like intense mustache growth.

As long as we’ve known D’Antoni, he’s been admirable, but underwhelming. This can surely be attributed to that thin, waifish fur-turd on his lip. He usurped the seat from the great Phil Jackson, one of the few NBA coaches who truly embraced the womb broom. If D’Antoni is serious about a championship with Purple & Gold he needs to stop using the #2 clipper shield to that lip. Once he’s truly invested in himself, then and only then will his team believe the words they hear underneath the rustle of his finely woven lip-rug. It’s time to grow that caterpillar grow into the great butterfly it can become.

Mo Wins, Mo Money, Mo Vember.

This was written by special contributor Charlie Madsen. You can think of him as a lethal combo of Charlie Morton and Mark Madsen.