A Letter to the New York Giants from a Worried Fan

By October 19, 2013June 18th, 2018No Comments


Dearest New York Giants of Football,

I am worried about you. Very worried. At this point in the season, I’m used to the Jaguars not having wins, or maybe the Dolphins, but not Big Blue. I’m worried about little Eli, Prince Amukamara, and Kiwi. Oh, how I worry about Kiwi.

Just how worried am I about you, New York Giants? Let me count the ways.

Coach Coughlin: Coughlin is old. Like really old. He could drop at any minute, and I don’t want this to be the way he goes out.

Coughlin is one Eli interception or David Wilson fumble from the end, and then the world will forever be without a true old school hard-ass coach. Sure, we have the new hard-asses like Jim Harbaugh, but he’s more crazy than mean. Coughlin is mean. If you didn’t know him, Coughlin seems like a stiff breeze could knock him over, but when he yells he makes profession football players look like they are going to cry. Something about that always makes me smile. When it’s gone, I’ll miss it.

Coughlin is like a grandpa – a grandpa that I’m scared of – and I don’t want anything to happen to him. For this reason, I am worried about the Giants.

Mark Herzlich: This dude overcame bone cancer, made it onto an NFL roster as an undrafted free agent, became a starter, and THIS is what he gets? Far be it for me to question the real G-man in the sky, but throw this guy a bone. How much more bad has to happen to him?

Herzlich might be a few losses away from thinking his college years were the best of his football career, and for this reason, I am worried about the Giants.

Eli Manning: I’m a younger brother, and if my older brother were that much better than me at anything, I would probably move to Quebec, learn French, and change my name to Pierre. And even then, I would be worried that my new Canadian friends would find out. What I wouldn’t do is call attention to how much worse I am than my older brother. Every week. On national television.

The only thing worse for Eli than his season is Payton’s season. Even when he was good, Eli wasn’t close to the best QB in his family. That was before Payton suffered his “injury” that has apparently made him Superman, and Eli became about as good as he looks like he should be. Now, yikes.

Eli might be the only two-time Super Bowl MVP with an inferiority complex, and it’s only getting worse. For this reason, I am worried about the Giants.

The Jets: I do not want to live in a world where the Jets are the best team in New York, or New Jersey or wherever. If you’ve ever met a Jets fan, you understand why.

For this reason, I am worried about the Giants.

New York Fans: It’s generally hard for me to find sympathy for the New York sports fan but consider their year: The Nets lost Jay Z and are now basically last years Celtics (except older), the Rangers have the second fewest wins in the NHL, the Mets were almost repossessed by the IRS, and the Yankees didn’t make the playoffs for  the 2nd time in 19 years and are losing Mariano Rivera, Curtis Granderson, and Robinson Cano.

What do those fans have to look forward to? Rex Ryan’s shenanigans? The Islanders (congrats to both of you who remembered they exist)? The Melo-chokejob? Without the Giants New York sports fans have absolutely nothing.

New York sports fans are such unpleasant people when things are going their way. We could all be in for a whole new level of rudeness now that things are clearly not. I hate rudeness. For this reason, I am worried about the Giants. 

David Wilson: Like I said, he is literally killing someone with how bad he is. Poor guy.

For this reason, I am worried about the Giants.

So, come on, Giants. How about a win this week, or next week, or sometime before the end of the year? Please? I’m worried. If there are no New York sports, what will ESPN ever talk about? I don’t think they know other cities exist.

I bet you didn’t think so much rides on your season, but it does. For those reasons, I am worried about you, Giants.

Sincerest Regards,