‘Tis the season for cheesy jewelry commercials and playoff pushes. Sometimes the worlds of ugly jewelry and sports collide, mainly in the form of dudes who watch football buying their gals heinous Pandora charm bracelets because they see them on commercials. Well, we’re taking this partnership a step further thanks to a certain superstar running back’s name bearing an uncanny resemblance to one of the most hideous gems on the planet, the Le Vian chocolate diamond.
If Jared, the self-proclaimed galleria of jewelry, knows what’s good for them, they will immediately sign Le’Veon Bell to an endorsement deal with exclusive rights to his nickname, Chocolate Diamond. That means every time your favorite sports announcer says “another touchdown for the Chocolate Diamond,” Jared laughs all the way to the bank. Not to mention they’ll get one of the best backs in the game to back their cringe-worthy, feces-colored diamonds. Not bad, eh?
Picture this: You’re watching Jay Cutler throw his third pick of the game on a Monday night, and you’ve just about had enough. Suddenly, Le’Veon Bell is shown in an overly-sparkly jewelry store in some dingy suburban mall. You’re immediately intrigued.
Next thing you know, a sensible man attempts to purchase a conventional diamond from the sales associate, when Chocolate Diamond steps in, wearing his full Steelers uniform. “Excuse me, sir,” he says in that signature raspy voice.“ I noticed you were about to buy that bland diamond in the case.” The random stranger replies, “Why, yes, Le’Veon Bell, I was.” Bell laughs, “You could do that, or you could get your gal something she’ll cherish forever, a Le Vian Chocolate Diamond. It’s the me of jewels!” (Bell smiles creepily at the camera). The man is convinced. After hugging the Steelers’ running back, he scampers away to get his pretzel on at the nearest Auntie Anne’s. End scene.
Can’t you just see this being a smash hit? And why stop there? We could totally have a sequel where Troy Polamalu, still capitalizing off his Head and Shoulders fame, flies in to tackle Joe Flacco as he tries to buy his girl a gorgeous, round cut clear diamond ring. Brilliant. Sign ’em up, Jared!
I propose we get a petition going, imploring Jared to bring on Le’Veon to endorse Le Vian. Let’s make Chocolate Diamond the new Johnny Football!